It’s becoming real now.
From the moment I started my maternity leave I knew it was just that,
leave from my job. This week is my last
full week and I go back on Thursday of next week. It has finally hit me, Carter and I don’t get
to live in this amazing little bubble we have created over the past 10 weeks. I know I’m really lucky, most people don’t
get that much time at home with their babies, but my heart is heavy. I love every moment I get to spend with my
precious boy.
I also love my job. Really
love my job. I always said if I won the
lottery, I wouldn’t quit unless it was to stay at home with my children. I love it that much. I would never quit my job just because I didn’t
need the money. Obviously money isn’t
exactly why I got into the teaching profession.
But now I’m in a different place.
My heart is torn. I yearn to be
at home all day with Carter changing his diapers and kissing his chubby thighs
as I do. Nursing him when he’s
hungry. Reading to him and playing with
him when he’s awake. It’s just not an
option for our family. We need my
salary. I want to be able to save money
to put in a college fund for Carter. We
have a mortgage to pay. Our monthly
budget can only be met with both of our salaries.
I thought about quitting my job and finding a night job to
supplement my salary (it wouldn’t have to be the full amount when you consider
not paying daycare costs). I just knew I
wouldn’t be fully happy with that situation either. I would have so much less time to spend with
my husband and I wouldn’t be able to work in my career path. I would probably end up waitressing. Instead of having all summer at home to spend
with Carter and the evenings with Ty (my current arrangement). I would still have to work evenings in the
summer. Is there a perfect answer? No. No
matter what I do, I’m going to miss something.
Whether it’s Carter when I go back to work, Ty if I were to work nights,
and my job/co-workers if I were to quit.
Being a working mom is already harder than I ever thought it would be!
I can’t imagine what it will be like when I return to
work. I have one vision (the nightmare
scenario) where I sit in my classroom during my plan time with the lights out
crying. I have another vision (the
perfect dream) where the day goes by so fast I barely have time to miss Carter
and before I know it, I’m picking him up from daycare. I know they are both extremes, I hope we end
up somewhere in the middle.
I go back to work on a Thursday, so I’ll work Thursday and
Friday and then I’ll have the weekend with Carter. I have a full week after that and then I’m
off for spring break, so I think that will also help me with the
transition. I keep reminding myself to take
it one day at a time.
My lunch/recess time is from 12:00-12:45. Once I drop the students off in the cafeteria
and walk to my car it will be closer to 12:05 or 12:10. Carter’s daycare is only about 7 minutes
away. My plan is to go visit him over my
lunch. I think it will help me make it
through the day, getting to see him half-way through. It may only be for 20 minutes with the
driving, but 20 minutes holding Carter is 20 minutes well spent.
I’ve read different ideas for making the transition back to
work easier: putting on baby lotion so you can “smell your baby” throughout the
day, putting up pictures of your baby (you better believe I’ll be doing this),
looking at pictures on your phone.
For those of you working moms out there, what was something that
helped you?
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