|Doesn't this family of four look so perfect?|
There's the logical aspect of things that makes me feel like 2 kids is the perfect number for us. We have one of each, a boy and a girl. How perfect was that? How lucky are we? We get to experience each gender and enjoy the differences and challenges that come with each. Two seems like it would be so much easier. Less money, less worry, less fighting. Handling both the kids on my own has become a breeze (for the most part). Then there's the aspect of me going back to work. If I go back to work within the next 5 years, I just renewed my teaching certificate this past summer so I wouldn't have to worry about trying to jump through hoops to renew it with no teaching experience in the years leading up to renewal. Plus I miss it. I loved my job and I love what I do now. Our current situation is exactly what I need, but I do look forward to the day where I will step foot in a classroom again to teach. It is my passion. It is something I love to do. I am also reminded of the heartbreak of miscarriage. Am I willing to feel that pain again if we try for another and things don't work out?
But then I see other pregnant women and I yearn for that to be me again some day. Not right now, but some day. I see that round belly and remember those sweet kicks and hiccups. I think of the ultrasounds and the weeks leading up to baby's arrival and how exciting it all is. I remember the feel of pushing the last part of the baby out and then holding a newborn on my chest. It is the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. I watch Carter and Elise play side by side. I see them tug of war over toys. I watch them share. I see their love. I wonder what that would be like times three. I wonder whether we would have another boy or another girl. I imagine holding a precious baby in my arms as it sleeps. I picture nursing again. I imagine their lives growing up together. There is so much of me that still yearns for that. But there's also this part of me that wants to have some time just me and Elise to soak up her precious personality and give her the one-on-one love I was able to give to Carter when he was little. I love the idea of a couple years home, just me and Elise during the days while Carter is in school. I would love that.
|Just seeing these newborn pictures makes me want to do it all again.|
|I mean who doesn't want to look like this, haha!|
|Those chest snuggles are the best thing in the world!|
So to answer the question, are you having another one? I guess the best answer I can give is, I don't know. I lean one way one day and the other way the next. Ty is saddled up right in the middle of 2 is great, I'm loving this, why add more, but I'll do it if you want to. I know in time my heart will come around. At some point I'll find an answer that satisfies me every day and not just some of the time. Until then, I just don't know.