Ever since returning to work back in March I have struggled. It's been a battle between my heart wanting to be home with Carter and my mind telling me all this other stuff related to income, retirement, and working. I kept expecting it to get easier and all my co-teachers told me it would. Carter's first birthday rolled around and I was still waiting. It wasn't getting easier, the opposite actually, it was starting to get harder. Since I initially only went back for 3 months, I began to realize in October what a long stretch it was until the summer. My heart yearned to be home with Carter and I started counting down until summer break so I could spend all day with him. That's when I started getting depressed. I didn't want to wish away any moments of Carter's life. He's growing up too fast as it is! I didn't want to wish away months just to get to the ones where I would be home with him.
|It seems like just yesterday he was this tiny, baby!|
It got to the point where I would break down once a month, then every other week, then weekly, and then last week I was a mess all week. Ty and I finally decided it was time to look at our options. We pulled up our monthly budget, took out the daycare expense and my income, and really looked. Could we make it work? We decided it would be tight, but we could do it, and it was worth it.
All of that leads up to today. This morning I broke the news to my teaching partner. I was nervous and I'm not sure what I expected her reaction to be, but I wasn't expecting what she said. She turned, looked at me, and said, "I know this is the right decision for you." I was floored. She has a lot invested in our partnership and the first thing that came out of her mouth didn't have "I" in it at all. It just drove home even more what an amazing person and friend she really is. She has seen me struggle. She has talked me through some really rough days where I wanted so badly to just walk out, curl up with my baby, and never go back. She knew what I was going through and she understood the intensity of the struggle I was facing.
|Luckily some mornings he insists on being in the baby carrier while I get ready for work!|
The next step was talking to my building principal and then my site principal. I was overwhelmed by the support and understanding that I received from both. When speaking with our site principal I shared my concern about not being able to come back to my current school when I return. She was so sweet and assured me that she would hire me back in a heartbeat and she guaranteed me that whenever I was ready to come back a position would be there for me. The relief of sharing the news with those important people at work and the excitement of hearing I would have a job when I returned put me on cloud 9. I couldn't wait to call Ty, my mom, and my mother-in-law.
Now it's official, starting June 3rd I will be a stay at home mom! I'm not naive. I know there will be struggles. I know it will be hard. I know there will be lonely days. But it will beat spending 8 hours a day away from my baby. And after all this working while Carter was at daycare I will appreciate the time so much more. I will understand what a gift each moment I have with him is. All that being said, I will make sure not to smother him (although you can't spell smother without mother, lol!), spoil him, or dote on him too much (if that's even possible). Amazingly when Ty said the words "Maybe you should stay at home" I fell more in love with him. Knowing he's willing to make this sacrifice when it benefits me in so many ways, but doesn't directly benefit him, made my love for him grow. Suddenly he was even more handsome than he had been the day before, even more amazing, his accent even cuter. I can't say it enough, I'm so glad I get to spend my life with him! It has been an amazing journey and I know this next step will make it even better. I know it will make me a better and more attentive wife, more sharing of time with Carter, and more fulfilled. I don't know how long it will be or what all it will entail, but it will be fabulous and it will be ours.