Thanks for the Reminder

One thing about being a working mom was that it forced me to make the most of every moment. When I was with Carter he was my only focus and I dropped everything to play with him. Each moment I had with him was a gift and I cherished it. Every once in a while now I get caught up in cleaning house, doing yard work, folding laundry, and being active. I just forget to slow down. I keep us busy with morning play dates and activities so when nap time rolls around I lay the kids down and rush off to get to business. Normally I do all the cleaning during naptime but with a play date at our house this morning I raked leaves yesterday after naps and vacuumed the house this morning. I was so focused on having the house really clean and tidy that I lost focus on what the purpose of the play date was, for Carter to have fun! Carter had a blast this morning and then came nap time. I laid him down and left per usual but heard him talking in his room and when I went in he asked me to read a book so I did. Later I walked by and heard him making noise only to find him on the floor playing. He asked me to lay with him so I did. I laid there until he fell asleep and then I started to get up. As I did Carter reached over in his sleep and grabbed my hand. I looked at him and was reminded to slow down. To enjoy every moment, even the little ones. I laid there watching him sleep, holding his hand, feeling his pulse, listening to him suck his thumb in his sleep and I was reminded. Moments like that are what life is all about. So thank you Carter for reminding me to slow down, to appreciate all the little moments. Who cares if I don't get the windows cleaned until tomorrow, I held my baby's hand while he was sleeping. It's a gift that I can now do that. A moment I would have missed before. It reminded me to be thankful for every moment, every day, every conversation. When I was finally getting up after watching Carter sleep I heard Elise wake up in her room. Instead of feeling frustration that I wouldn't get to complete any chores during naptime, I felt excitement that I would get to spend some one-on-one time with her. Why is it that children have to remind us what is important in life?

The Moments that Mean the Most

Not a day goes by without me at some point during the day thinking, "This is why I'm so lucky to get to be at home now.  Little moments like this."  Each day at some point I'm reminded what a gift this life I am now able to live is.  What amazing moments I get to experience that I missed before while Carter was at daycare.  Each night around the time I would normally arrive home with Carter I am amazed again at how little time I actually had with my precious boy before.  Those moments remind me to reflect and appreciate the sacrifices that Ty made for us to get here.  He left an industry that he loved although he was underappreciated and overworked and took a risk not just at a new job, but within a new industry.  I know how scary a job change is even when it is within the same career path.  It was hard at first and I could tell he missed his old job, but he has come to love what he does and enjoys his co-workers including his boss who is constantly praising him and reminding him what a great asset he is to the company.  What a change from his past job!  While the change in our budget has been scary to both of us, it has been so worth it.  I think it's easier for me accept the loss of income because I see first hand the benefits of staying at home.  For me it was never the missing the firsts that bothered me like other working moms talked about.  I honest to goodness didn't miss any firsts and if I had my mentality was, even if he does something at daycare first when I see it it will be the first time for me.  It was everything.  Those little moments that slip by so fast and even faster when you aren't there.  The cute smiles, the giggles, the wiping the face, singing songs as we wash our hands.  Those were the moments I didn't want to miss and they are the moments I appreciate the most now. 

Little moments like watching him read!

Carter has been absolutely hilarious lately and his personality kills me.  He is just so stinkin cute and funny and sweet and loving.  Sometimes I just look at him and am amazed that anything so perfect can exist.  There's nothing better than living life with him.  I'd like to share some of the "This is why I'm so lucky to be at home right now.  Little moments like this" experiences lately.

I'll start with this morning.  I was putting away laundry and packing for our trip to my hometown for my 10 year high school reunion (it's hard to believe it's been that long).  Carter sat on the bed wearing one of Ty's hats he pulled off his hat rack, pretending to read a chapter book he pulled off Ty's night stand.  Then he came to the end of the bed, picked up the camera case, said "mommy", and handed it to me.  I looked at him and asked if he wanted me to wear it.  He said yes so I draped it over my shoulder and strutted my stuff.  He broke out in the biggest smile and exclaimed, "Mommy pretty!  Pretty mommy!"  How could I have ever lived my life before missing out on being called pretty by my sweet little boy randomly at 9am!?!

The other day when Ty was getting the Halloween basket out of the attic Carter stood at the bottom of the ladder yelling "Daddy!!!!" over and over.  Ty was out of breath and moving totes around so I told Carter, "Daddy's busy he'll talk to you when he comes down."  Then Carter started chanting, "Busy, daddy's busy!"  This morning we were sitting on the floor putting together a puzzle and Carter looked at me and said quizzically, "Daddy busy?" and I said, "Yes, daddy's at work.  He'll be home tonight."  He accepted my answer and kept on with his puzzle.  It was so cute to see him wondering about his daddy during the day. 

On a Tuesday, the day I tutor in the evening, Carter was walking around eating an apple.  He was walking down the hallway right by the door as Jeremy knocked on the door because he watches Carter while I tutor.  The knock scared Carter and he jumped, throwing his apple into the air as he did so.  Then he turned, looked at his apple, pointed, and said "uh oh".  It was one of the funniest things I'd seen in a long time!

Carter loves cheese and gets so excited when I give him cheese with a meal or as a snack that he exclaims "yay" when he sees it.  Most of our conversations during lunch, since we typically have sandwiches with cheese on them, go like this:
Carter (C): Cheese!!!!  Yay!!!!!  Cheese!!!!! (then he eats said cheese off his sandwich before eating the rest of his food).
C: More cheese!
Me (M): Not right now, Carter, you need to eat your peas first.
C: Cheese!  More cheese!
M: You can have another piece after you eat your peas.
C: Cheese! (then he begins to shovel peas in his mouth along with the other food on his plate)
M: Thank you for eating your peas.  That is healthy.  Now you can have another piece of cheese.
C: Yay!  Cheese! (begins giggling as he watches me get cheese out of the fridge)
M: Here's your cheese, this is the last piece.
C: Thank you! (gobbles up the cheese)
C: More cheese?!
M: No Carter, no more cheese, all done.
C: Cheese?  Peese.  (in a sad dejected tone)
M: Sorry, Carter, no more cheese.
Then he's ready to get out of his booster seat and take off playing.

Of course there are all those moments where Carter puckers his lips and wants a kiss just because.  There are the moments watching him read books, solve problems, and learn new things.  Watching him run from the exit of the tape tunnel at the Children's Museum to the entrance, so excited to do it all over again!  Seeing him interact with other children at the park, the museum, at playdates, in the library.  Watching him dance and wiggle and giggle.  Seeing him play with Harper, kiss her, and love on her.  Some of the moments I love the most are holding him and snuggling him as I read to him and rock him before bed and naptime.  I am thankful for all of those moments and I am a so glad I get to keep experiencing them.  Life just keeps getting better!  I love you, Ty, thank you!

Our Second Summer

Today is the first day of school for the school district I worked in the past 4 years.  When I woke up this morning I felt the first day of school excitement thinking about everything that was going on with my old co-workers and previous students.  I also felt excitement because the first day of school marked the start of Carter and my second summer.  Rather than waking up early, packing Carter off to daycare, and crying all the way to work (like last year) I slept in until 7:00 am and headed out for a run with Carter and Harper.  The first day of school last year was especially emotional for me because Carter broke out the Sunday before school started and it turned out he had Fifth Disease.  Since it was the first day of school I was forced to send him off to daycare not feeling up to par.  I am so thankful that is something I will never again have to do!

He's been practicing climbing into his car seat, getting there!

After our morning run we came home so I could shower and we could eat a morning snack.  Then we headed out to the splash pad for some good ol summer time fun!  Carter made friends with a couple of girls who were continuously filling a water bottle and pouring it into a bowl in the playground equipment.  He didn't say much to them and they didn't say a whole lot to him, he just stood and watched.  He loves to observe.  Little mister had a blast playing in the water and I laughed so hard watching him and felt so full and happy getting the chance to spend more time with him! 

Watching the girls refill their water bottle.  They were pouring the water into the bowl shown above.

 

Watching for water to come out.

Getting sprayed in the face!

 

Lunchtime came and I was really hungry although Carter wasn't showing much interest in leaving.  I talked him into walking to the car with me and changed him back into his dry clothes.  We headed straight for Tropical Smoothie for their $5 flatbread and smoothie Tuesday deal.  I treated Carter to a special lunch date with a birthday gift card I'd received from his Papa and Gigi.  Normally we share a flatbread and a smoothie, but I was really hungry so I got Carter his own.  He ended up only eating half of his flatbread so I ate the other half.  I went out on a limb and ordered him a Totally Green smoothie with cucumber, spinach, kale, kiwi, and green apple.  I tasted it and it was drinkable but I definitely couldn't drink an entire one by myself.  Carter sucked it down like he thought it was delicious.  While eating we saw Jake's mom and talked to her.  Jake was supposed to come to our house today, but came down with Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease over the weekend.  She said his fever finally broke last night so we may see him on Friday.  During our lunch date Carter was really hamming it up, making faces at me and even squinting his eyes to make me laugh.  There was no where I'd rather have been than with my boy.

Enjoying his chicken pesto flatbread.

Going to town on his mostly vegetable smoothie.

We got home in time for me to read Carter a couple books and rock him for a bit before putting him down for a nap.  Once he was asleep I flipped through facebook for a couple of minutes to make sure he was asleep so I wouldn't wake him leaving the room.  My newsfeed was filled with first day of school pictures of past students and teacher statuses excited for the first day.  Seeing my sweet previous students all dressed up and smiling for their first day of school made me a bit emotional, but even then I didn't wish to be back at it.  I just wished I could peek into their new classrooms to see them for a bit.  One of the hardest things as a teacher is letting go.  You put your heart and soul into teaching a group of students.  Not just teaching them skills and objectives, but how to be kind and contributing members of society.  You teach them how to resolve conflicts, to accept the differences of others, and to care about others and the world around them.  You begin to love each child as you see them grow and become amazing people.  Then at the end of the year you send them on to someone else.  You are somehow supposed to cut your heart strings and watch them walk away.  I was always so excited for the first day of school, but typically spent the first portion of the school year missing my previous students.  I swear every year I came home and told Ty, this class just isn't special like my group last year.  I miss my old students and want them back.  I'm never going to love these kids like last year.  Then Ty was laughing at the end of the year when I was crying about my group of students moving on.  It was a vicious cycle and I felt like it never got easier, I just learned to accept it the longer I taught.  Today would have been my 7th first day of school as a teacher and my 24th first day of school since kindergarten, but instead of packing my bag and lunch and pulling into a school parking lot I was doing something much better.  I was playing with my son, enjoying lunch with him, snuggling him, and watching him sleep.  Our second summer is just beginning and I couldn't be happier!

Leaving Work Behind

When Ty and I first discussed me staying home I worried about all kinds of things.  Of course I worried about money and providing Carter with plenty of social interaction, but I also worried about me not working.  Would I be happy?  Would I feel fulfilled?  Would I miss my job?  I was afraid when it came time to pack up my classroom I would feel really sad putting away all my manipulatives, books, and learning tools.  But I didn't.  I was afraid when the school year started and everyone else was preparing their classrooms and getting class lists I would miss it.  But, again, I didn't.  Yesterday I went up to school to help my old teaching partner prepare for Meet the Teacher Night.  There is sooo much that goes into that night.  Your classroom has to be prepped and ready, class seating arrangement created, student name labels out on tables so they can see their spot, boxes in the hall for sorting school supplies, packets of information about your classroom for parents to take home, going home lists so you know where to send students at the end of the day on the first day of school, and the list goes on.  Anytime you think you are completely ready you realize there's something more to do!  

Carter played with a doll house my co-teacher has for indoor recess with her daughter.

Carter loved the doll house!

Carter checking to see what her son was doing.

I headed up to help cut out laminated materials, label students' names on baggies, prepare notes to go home, and look over the class list (my co-teacher had spelled some of the students from last year's names wrong).  The best way to describe how I felt being up at the school helping to prepare for the coming school year was relief.  Relief that I no longer need to do it for myself.  Relief that I get to spend my time with Carter.  Relief that while all the other teachers are sending their children off to daycare and creating lesson plans for the first week of school, my 2nd summer is just starting!  I will no longer be carting home an overflowing bag of things to work on once Carter goes to sleep.  I won't lay in bed worrying about stuff I have to get done for school and crying over being away from Carter for another day.  I will no longer be counting down Monday through Friday to get to the mere two days at home with my precious baby.  Although I love teaching and I know I will go back when the time is right, I am so relieved that is not me.  That I'm not a teacher.  That I'm not stressing about those first days of school and leaving my baby.  That I will be able to really enjoy my life, to soak up all my time with Carter.  It was a scary decision to make, but days like yesterday remind me that it was the right one.  When I walk out of the school I love, away from the co-workers I cherish, leaving behind the students I adore, and I feel nothing but relief.  The pure freedom and joy that leaving it behind brings to my life.  Now that was a good decision and I thank Ty every day for standing beside me and supporting the decision.  It was scary for both of us, but so worth it!

Our First Day of Summer/Staying at Home

This morning Carter woke up at 5:30 am because he was so excited for summer, he just couldn't wait for it to begin!  I brought him to bed with us and he went back to sleep until Ty's 6:30 alarm went off.  Ty got up to shower at 6:45 but Carter and I stayed in bed and played for a while.  During the school year we had to leave the house by 7:40 at the latest.  This morning at that time we were brushing our teeth in our pjs, boo yah!  While Carter ate breakfast I was able to unload and reload the dishwasher.  We spent the morning playing in the house, doing laundry, and folding laundry.  After morning snack we headed out to run at the trails.  We ran 4 miles and then played at the park.  Carter had a blast playing on the playground and the splash pad.  He saw a baby girl, I'm guessing about 6 months old, and reached down to give her a hug.  It was so sweet!

Helping with laundry.

 

Carter's flat little footprints.

While we were at the park I got a text reminding me it was $5 Tuesday at Tropical Smoothie, meaning you get a smoothie and flatbread sandwich for $5.  When I saw the text, I thought, don't mind if I do!  Carter and I went to Tropical Smoothie on our way home.  I cut the flatbread in half and took turns drinking out of the smoothie to share.  I had to pull the smoothie away before Carter was done drinking each time because he gave himself a brain freeze on the first sip which caused him to cry.  We sat outside because Carter's shirt was wet from the splash pad.  I thought about carrying a high chair outside, but decided to have Carter sit on my lap.  It was the best!

Chowing down on a yummy smoothie!

Carter went down for a nap when we got home and I worked on getting materials ready for my tutoring student.  He woke up after an hour and a half nap and we headed to the library.  I was excited to get him signed up for the summer reading program.  When we walked in we heard music coming from a meeting room and saw a sign about a storyteller and jazz musician performing from 2:00-3:00.  It was 2:30 so I decided to go ahead and pick out our books.  Once we picked out our books I asked the librarian if we could sneak into the performance and she said yes.  We headed in and sat in the back of the room.  Carter stared, entranced with the performer which shocked me because he wasn't nearly as entertaining as the librarian we had seen when visiting Ty's parents.  Carter was all eyes for the 15 minutes of the show and sat quietly on my lap.

Back at home we went outside to eat afternoon snack picnic style in the backyard.  Jeremy came over to hang out for a while before I headed out for my tutoring appointment.  He stayed with Carter while I was gone.  He said they played with dinosaurs and blocks and ate raisins.  I got home a little bit before Ty and was so excited to see Carter.  Even with just an hour and a half away from him I couldn't wait to wrap him up in a big hug.  I'm so glad I know spending all this time with him isn't just this month and next, but for at least a year!  This morning as I cleaned Carter's face after his morning snack, I thought to myself, I am so lucky I get to be the person to wipe his face clean.  All those little moments, things I normally don't get to do, mean so much to me.  I appreciate my time with Carter so much.  Every little moment like changing his diaper or filling his sippy cup is precious to me.  I hope I never lose that appreciation and always remember how lucky I am.  That's one positive thing about working for as long as I did, it made me appreciate my time with Carter so much.

Snack time outside.

One More Day!!!

Well, everyone, I've almost made it!  Tomorrow is the last day of school!  This weekend is my best friend's wedding.  We will return Monday afternoon and I will go in for a half-day of a teacher work day in the afternoon.  After roughly 200 days of dropping Carter off at daycare and spending the majority of his waking hours with 47 children belonging to other parents, I get to spend Carter's waking hours with him.  My heart has been yearning for this day from the moment I held his tiny 6 pound, 3 ounce body in my arms.  The entire pregnancy I had no doubts I would return to work, but things changed once our little man arrived.  Making that decision financially and career-wise was heart wrenching at the time, but I've never looked back.  I've known ever since I talked to my co-teacher it was the right decision for me.  Continuing to work from January 31st to the end of the year has been a struggle.  Once we'd made the decision for me to stay at home I was desperate for it to be our reality.  But here I am one day away and I've made it!  When I resigned back in January I didn't regret all the time I had missed with Carter while working because I felt I needed that time to know in my heart we were making the right decision.  Before that point I kept believing it would eventually get better.  I kept thinking my heart won't hurt this much next month.  Next month will be the month I no longer feel depressed.  But looking at Carter now and knowing how much I've missed makes me sad.  I do regret it, but it was what had to be done at the time.  No point in looking back.

Yesterday Carter cried when I left.  Today he rushed for the door, kissed the window, and stood laughing as I walked away.  I wish he'd do that every day!

When I first resigned I thought at the end of the year I would start feeling emotional about leaving.  Up to the point we finally decided I would stay home the thought of packing up my classroom made me sad.  I just wasn't ready to give it up yet.  Now that I'm actually packing up my classroom I am so excited.  As each item goes into a tub, I know I'm that little bit closer to spending my days with Carter.  Today we had our end of the year party.  Our homeroom moms organized a pizza party and at the end presented my co-teacher and myself the sweetest paintings made by the kids.  I'm not sure how I held it together, but my eyes definitely welled up with tears.  Our group of 2nd graders moving on to 3rd grade will be the first group of kids I've had for 2 years.  You would think it would be easier to let them go when you've had them for longer because you are tired of them, but it's so not true.  I'm so much more attached and I love each of these sweet kids.  Maybe I will feel differently when school starts back up in August, but right now I feel a huge sense of relief.  Relief that this time in my life will be in the past.  That I will be able to spend my days teaching and playing with my little guy.

Ty helping me load totes from my classroom into the car.

Such a sweet present!  It makes me emotional just looking at it now!

This morning Carter woke up and played quietly in his crib so I went ahead and finished straightening my hair before going in to get him.  It was so much fun to watch him roll around, play with his blanket and his lovie.  We were ready early enough we had about 10 minutes to play outside before leaving.  I'm excited to have the luxury of playing outside until Carter is ready to come in (although that may be never).  I'm excited to have more time to go to the aquarium, visit the zoo, and play at the Children's Museum.  And of course frequent the library while participating in the summer reading program.  That splash pad at the park?  We will be seeing lots of it!  Am I saying there won't be tears tomorrow?  Absolutely not.  But I am saying I'm excited for what lies ahead.  Bring on summer time!  

Ready for more of this!

My breakfast mooches.

 

Why Being a Working Mom Isn't for Me

When we first made the decision that I will stay home with Carter next school year, Ty suggested I write about why.  He wanted me to get down all those reasons and feelings so next year when I'm having a rough day and I'm missing my sweet kiddos and amazing co-workers and forgetting about how depressed I really was (it's the ex factor, after a while you only remember the good), I will have a reminder of what it was really like and how I really felt.  It's easiest to start with the beginning of a day working and go from there.

Mornings right now are hard and amazing mixed into one.  One thing that I have always despised doing is waking Carter up.  The boy needs his sleep and the last thing I want to do is interrupt that!  Every morning I get up at 6-6:15 am so I can get ready for work before Carter wakes up (usually between 6:45-7:00).  When Carter wakes up before 7:00 and I have extra time with him it is magical.  One of the best parts of my day is walking into his room in the morning to get him out of his crib.  I love seeing him smile and welcoming him with an excited "good morning"!  Some days (right now it's the norm) he sleeps in and I eventually have to go in and wake him up at 7:10.  That sucks for 2 reasons, 1. I hate waking him up and 2. We only have 30 minutes before we have to leave the house which means rushing around and no time to snuggle or play.  Those days I am forced to load the car, pack lunches, and set his clothes out while he eats breakfast rather than sit and interact with him.  I feel gyped to say the least and I long for the weekend when I can sit and talk with him while he eats breakfast, cuddle him in the chair, read books, and play with toys all before ever leaving the house.

Next comes the hardest part of my day, the daycare drop off.  I was told it would get easier and I can honestly say that it has not.  Every morning when I walk into his classroom I delay setting him down.  I want to breathe in his smell just a little bit longer.  I want to feel his weight pressed against my body.  I want to feel his head pressed against my lips.  Before even setting him down my chest begins to tighten and I start to feel the emptiness and sadness sinking in.  When I step out the door, I watch him through the window.  Typically he notices I'm there and either waves and smiles or reaches toward me and cries.  I have yet to decide which one breaks my heart more.  There are still days when I cry all the way to work.  Because I can't stand the thought of going 8 hours before seeing my boy again.  Because I know everything he will do while I'm gone.  Because the best parts of my day are seeing him standing in his crib in the morning and picking him up at daycare when I feel like the best parts of my day should be watching him learn, teaching him new things, and simply being there.

Picking Carter up at daycare is the weirdest thing.  The moment the bell rings and we dismiss our class, I no longer have my other babies and little loves to occupy my thoughts (although Carter is always in my thoughts no matter how busy my day is), I start feeling anxious.  All I can think about is being with my little man.  The drive to his daycare at the end of the day is the very worst part of my day.  I am so desperate to see him I can't get there fast enough.  Every stop sign, every red light causes me stress and anxiety.  I feel like I could cry when I get stuck behind a car driving under the speed limit.  There are days to relieve some of the stress I call my mom on the way to daycare to occupy my mind and keep me from losing my cool.  The moment I get to daycare and I have Carter in my arms I squeeze him against my chest and it's the first time since dropping him off that I feel whole again.  I can't even describe exactly what it feels like, but suddenly the emptiness I felt all day at work is gone.  It's crazy but every day I am shocked when I pick him up.  Even on days when I had a good day, an amazing day, or the best day ever at work I feel the same way.  I always think I'm decently happy and it's not until I pick Carter up and am truly 100% happy that I realize how incomplete I actually felt.


Then comes bedtime.  I'm always so exhausted between getting up early, working with 47 little kids all day, running, and giving Carter everything I've got left that when it's time for his bedtime routine my tank is empty.  I'm so tired I'm ready to put Carter down and relax.  I lay Carter down and then I get that same feeling I get when I drop him off at daycare.  Some nights I cry after I lay him down.  Other nights I watch on the monitor, hoping he will fuss so I can go back in.  Mostly I dread the following day, knowing I will wake up and have to drop him off at daycare all over again.

Showing our school pride.

I hate that being a working mom makes me so selfish with Carter.  My time with him is so minimal that I don't want to give up any of it.  When we have visitors on the weekend I force myself to allow them to hold and play with Carter.  Then I wake up Monday morning more depressed than usual because I feel like I didn't get to play with him very much and I have 5 whole days before I get a day home with him again.  It also keeps me from sharing Carter with Ty like I should.  It's not just that I want to cuddle and play with Carter, I want to do everything.  I want to feed him dinner.  I want to bathe him.  I want to change his diapers.  I want to get him dressed.  I don't want to miss a single moment.  Every once in a while I step back and realize how little I give Ty the opportunity to do.  I've been working on letting go of little things.  A bath here, a dinner there, a diaper change in the morning, a tooth brushing at night.  It's so important for Ty to have his time with Carter.  I know I will be so much better about it when I'm home, but I'm still working on it right now.

Since I have a mere 30 minutes to an hour with Carter in the morning and 3 hours in the evening, I give in to his demands.  If he wants to be rocked to sleep, you bet your bottom I'm gonna do it.  Not just because he wants it, but because I need it.  Carter is clingier to me when he's been at daycare all day.  We get home and he wants me to carry him around.  If I try to get him to walk, he will drop to the ground and reach up for my hands.  He is definitely more of a momma's boy when I'm working than when I'm home more.  When I'm working he refuses daddy and lunges for me.  When I'm home more (summertime and breaks) he gets so excited when Ty gets home and reaches for him.  It seems counterintuitive, but he is more dependent on me when I'm working and he sees me less.

Those 3 hours I'm with Carter in the evening also happen to be his "fussier" time.  Not that he's ever fussy, but he's not his normal sweet self.  That time of evening he's worn out from the day and tends to be really tired whether he's been at daycare or at home.  I've heard some people refer to that time of day as the "witching hour".  It's true, it's just a difficult time of day for little ones.  I get home and want to play and read and catch up on all the time we've missed.  Carter either wants to snuggle (I won't complain), fuss, or take a short little cat nap.  When he hasn't napped well at daycare which happens more often than not (I can't imagine getting 12 children to all sleep at the same time for 2 or more hours), he is fussier.  When he's that tired he won't nap and he won't play, he just lays in my lap and fusses.  On those days I feel cheated.  I feel like I missed out on all the fun time when Carter's happy and playful during the day and I'm left with the fussy, tired baby who I still love to be with, but it just doesn't compare.

Ty and I have always known we wanted more than one child.  Right after Carter was born I desperately wanted to do it all over again.  Last month when all my feelings came to a head I realized I no longer wanted to do it again.  I didn't want to go through the pain of leaving another child at daycare.  I didn't want to pump multiple times a day, wishing I was instead nursing my baby.  The main reason why I hated pumping so much was because it meant I should be nursing my baby and I wasn't.  I was at work attached to a machine.  There was no way I could imagine going through all of that again.  The tears and anxiety during the last month of maternity leave, the pain of leaving my baby for the first time, the pain of dropping my baby off at daycare every day (this time with 2 babies).  No way could I fathom it.  My heart desperately wanted another baby, a companion for Carter, but I knew I couldn't do the whole working mom thing with a baby again.  It was the most devastatingly painful thing I had ever gone through.

As we started talking more about me possibly staying at home I kept going back to the post I wrote about why I worked.  I would read each reason and then think screw that.  Those reasons were no longer enough to keep me satisfied with the decision we had made.  The day I resigned I knew it was the right decision the moment the words came out of my mouth.  There were no tears and the relief I felt was unreal.  I went from a deep depression to satisfied and hopeful.  I'm sure there are plenty of other things I'm forgetting, but these are the reasons that have weighed heavily on my mind for the past 6 months.

My Little Olympian

Normally Carter wakes up on his own around 7:00.  I haven't had to wake him up to get ready for work in a really long time which is great because I hate having to wake him up.  This morning I let him sleep in until 7:10, but eventually had to wake him up.  I was worried with the day we had yesterday and having to wake him up that he would be super fussy.  Surprisingly he wasn't!  I couldn't believe it when I laid him down for a diaper change and he actually laughed.  He was in great spirits all morning as we got ready so I decided to hold off on messaging the doctor and see how he did at daycare.  I called daycare during my plantime and got a great report.  Carter was playing really hard and acting normal.

Getting busy this morning!

When I picked Carter up he was in good spirits although he was tired because he only napped for 45 minutes.  What was my little boy thinking?!?  We had an Olympic-themed Family Fitness Night at school so I took Carter.  He really enjoyed seeing all the kids and watching them do the different games.  It was adorable!  Ice skating was skating around the gym on paper plates (if you have older kids this would be a super fun game to play, especially with all this weather keeping you from getting outside).  Luge and bobsled were both scooters taped together.  There was curling equipped with hockey pucks and brooms.  Ski jumping was a trampoline with an angled mat that looked like a triangle and mats set up against the angled mat.  When there was a lull in students at the ski jump, I let Carter bounce on the trampoline and scoot down the angled mat.  He had a blast!  He would scoot down the angled mat, crawl down the regular mats, turn around, and crawl up the angled mat.  The whole time he would laugh and smile.  I wanted to take a picture, but I was too busy watching for other students to come.  At one point a student came running from across the gym and I barely pulled Carter off the mat before the boy jumped on the trampoline.  It definitely made me nervous!

Having fun at daycare.

This morning when I started getting really down about leaving Carter at daycare I finally found a mindset that helped me actually enjoy my day at work.  I have been telling myself I just have a few months left and that just wasn't doing it.  This morning I told myself it's like how many months I was at work pregnant before Carter was born and I went on maternity leave.  I want to really enjoy my last months at work.  I don't want everyone to remember me as a grumpy, sad, down in spirits co-worker.  I'd rather pull it together and be cheery and make the most of these last few months.  It's time to really look at my students and enjoy them for who they are rather than wishing they were Carter.  I know next year there will be moments I miss my students and my job.  In those moments I will wish I had put my heart into my last few months and really appreciated the time for what an amazing job I have and the passion I have for what I do.  I don't want my co-teacher to miss me next year, but I definitely don't want her to be relieved I'm gone because my negativity was bringing her down.  I'm hoping I can get my mind right and hold onto this mindset.  Giving into the sadness of missing Carter makes me miserable, makes my co-workers not enjoy being around me as much, and keeps my students from seeing the love I have for them.  Here's to allowing my smile to spread past my face and voice and into my heart again tomorrow!

I love when Carter reaches out to hold my hand, just because.

The Day I Resigned

I'm so excited I finally get to share the news with you!  It's been hard to blog because all I wanted to talk about was this huge decision Ty and I had been mulling over.  I wanted to share all of our thoughts, concerns, reservations, excitements, and feelings, but I didn't want to do all of that without talking to the necessary people at work.  I know the chances are slim, but what if they stumbled across this little space of mine before I shared the news with them.  So I held off and waited and twiddled my thumbs as I stared at the keyboard desperately wanting to write words that I just couldn't put out there.  At least not yet.  Now I can. 

Ever since returning to work back in March I have struggled.  It's been a battle between my heart wanting to be home with Carter and my mind telling me all this other stuff related to income, retirement, and working.  I kept expecting it to get easier and all my co-teachers told me it would.  Carter's first birthday rolled around and I was still waiting.  It wasn't getting easier, the opposite actually, it was starting to get harder.  Since I initially only went back for 3 months, I began to realize in October what a long stretch it was until the summer.  My heart yearned to be home with Carter and I started counting down until summer break so I could spend all day with him.  That's when I started getting depressed.  I didn't want to wish away any moments of Carter's life.  He's growing up too fast as it is!  I didn't want to wish away months just to get to the ones where I would be home with him.

It seems like just yesterday he was this tiny, baby!

It got to the point where I would break down once a month, then every other week, then weekly, and then last week I was a mess all week.  Ty and I finally decided it was time to look at our options.  We pulled up our monthly budget, took out the daycare expense and my income, and really looked.  Could we make it work?  We decided it would be tight, but we could do it, and it was worth it. 

All of that leads up to today.  This morning I broke the news to my teaching partner.  I was nervous and I'm not sure what I expected her reaction to be, but I wasn't expecting what she said.  She turned, looked at me, and said, "I know this is the right decision for you."  I was floored.  She has a lot invested in our partnership and the first thing that came out of her mouth didn't have "I" in it at all.  It just drove home even more what an amazing person and friend she really is.  She has seen me struggle.  She has talked me through some really rough days where I wanted so badly to just walk out, curl up with my baby, and never go back.  She knew what I was going through and she understood the intensity of the struggle I was facing.

Luckily some mornings he insists on being in the baby carrier while I get ready for work!

The next step was talking to my building principal and then my site principal.  I was overwhelmed by the support and understanding that I received from both.  When speaking with our site principal I shared my concern about not being able to come back to my current school when I return.  She was so sweet and assured me that she would hire me back in a heartbeat and she guaranteed me that whenever I was ready to come back a position would be there for me.  The relief of sharing the news with those important people at work and the excitement of hearing I would have a job when I returned put me on cloud 9.  I couldn't wait to call Ty, my mom, and my mother-in-law. 

Now it's official, starting June 3rd I will be a stay at home mom!  I'm not naive.  I know there will be struggles.  I know it will be hard.  I know there will be lonely days.  But it will beat spending 8 hours a day away from my baby.  And after all this working while Carter was at daycare I will appreciate the time so much more.  I will understand what a gift each moment I have with him is.  All that being said, I will make sure not to smother him (although you can't spell smother without mother, lol!), spoil him, or dote on him too much (if that's even possible).  Amazingly when Ty said the words "Maybe you should stay at home" I fell more in love with him.  Knowing he's willing to make this sacrifice when it benefits me in so many ways, but doesn't directly benefit him, made my love for him grow.  Suddenly he was even more handsome than he had been the day before, even more amazing, his accent even cuter.  I can't say it enough, I'm so glad I get to spend my life with him!  It has been an amazing journey and I know this next step will make it even better.  I know it will make me a better and more attentive wife, more sharing of time with Carter, and more fulfilled.  I don't know how long it will be or what all it will entail, but it will be fabulous and it will be ours.

The Day My Immune System Gave Up

After a grueling day at work, well actually a grueling week, I went to lay down and rest for a little bit at 5:00 yesterday evening.  I figured I'd wake up after Carter ate dinner and I could give him his bath and spend some time snuggling before he went to bed.  Ty brought Carter in to say good night to me around 8:00 and I struggled to lift my head enough to give him kisses.  Then I zonked out again until Ty came to bed around 10:00.  As he slid into bed I asked him what Carter ate for dinner.  He responded with, "You'll just have to read the blog!"  How sweet of him to make a post while I was out for the count.  I enjoyed reading the post and looking at the pictures this morning after sleeping for nearly 14 hours.  I guess that's what happens when you are sick for 4 days and don't sleep any extra to help you recover, you crash eventually!  Unfortunately that teacher immune system I've been bragging about gave out on me.

It all started on Tuesday, my first day of work for the week.  After dropping the students off in the cafeteria for lunch I started having vision trouble and my head was pounding within 45 minutes.  Sometimes when I get migraines I am really nauseous and other times I feel mostly normal other than my head.  This one was accompanied by the constant feeling that I needed to throw up.  I went about my day as usual because getting a sub half-way through the day is pretty impossible and I've grown accustomed to functioning with a migraine for that very reason.

We've been drinking LOTS of Gatorade around here this week!

The next day (Wednesday) my head was still hurting, but much better although the nausea hadn't subsided and was actually much worse.  I ended up not eating anything and only drinking Gatorade all day, which Ty had run out to buy me that morning, such a sweetie!  That night I had vision trouble driving home from picking Carter up at daycare and got another migraine.  I was disappointed when I woke up Thursday and my head was still fuzzy and painful and I was desperately wishing I could throw up.  Throughout the entire 1st trimester with Carter I struggled with migraines (I'm talking 2-3 a week) which were always accompanied by severe nausea.  I was starting to wonder if that was what was going on and then the next bout of the bug kicked in.  Starting Friday morning around 2am I was in and out of the bathroom all night long.  Obviously it was unpleasant but saved us the $6 we would have spent on a pregnancy test.  I wasn't even successful with Gatorade, so spent all morning sipping Sprite from a straw.  I was feeling a little bit better by lunchtime and decided to try some soup which turned out to be a mistake.  During the afternoon I had to run to the bathroom numerous times and the nausea kicked it up a notch.  Not cool!  I'm hoping this weekend Ty (who of course if I have a bug has one too) and I will be feeling back to normal!  Until then we are downing ridiculous amounts of Gatorade and taking it easy!

Good thing Carter's so cute!

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

The holiday today meant I got to spend an extra day at home with Carter.  Of course the holiday also meant we listened to Martin Luther King Jr's "I Have a Dream" speech and the random thoughts floating around in my head were much deeper than normal.  I turned the speech on while Carter was eating his morning snack and he got so distracted he stopped eating his apples until the speech was over.  Just goes to show MLK is a great orator regardless of age.  Everytime I listen to him speak I get emotional and goosebumps pop up all over my arms.  If you'd like to listen to the speech I have the youtube video we watched below.

We had perfect weather for our day with the high reaching into the 60's.  Much of our day was spent outside.  Carter was walking pushing his bike and discovered, when he slipped, that it was much easier to do on his knees so he switched to doing it that way.  He crawled all over the backyard and then came upon the chain-link fence.  His game then became trying to pull leaves from the other side of the fence and then turning around and shoving them back through.  Harper has grown accustomed to Carter reaching down and handing her food as he's eating (which we discourage but it's pretty hard to keep him from doing).  She walked up to him while he was playing with leaves and handed her part of a leaf he had ripped off.  Without even looking, Harper very carefully pulled it from his hand, chewed it, and ate it.  I couldn't believe she actually ate it!

Putting leaves in Harper's empty water bowl and then pulling them back out.

We also enjoyed lots of extra snuggles and Carter spent his inside time without a diaper.  His bottom is looking much better today, but is still not all the way cleared up.   He definitely enjoys not wearing a diaper!  This morning he was sitting on my lap and we had a blanket across our laps.  Suddenly he lifted the blanket up and looked down.  I swear he did it just to watch his urine spray across my lap! 

Eating out of his bib after lunch.

Embracing Independence

When I drop Carter off at daycare he typically watches me as I walk away or even crawls after me, but I never get a wave or a good bye kiss blown my way.  Sometimes when Ty leaves Carter waves to him and it's just so sweet.  I think it's mostly because I'm holding him and waving to Ty so he follows suit.  The last few days when I arrived to pick him up at daycare, he reached toward me, stretched out his fingers and then curled them back toward himself repeatedly, beckoning me forward.  It melted my heart and plastered a giant grin across my face.

Sharing a waffle.

Trying some of my soy milk.

This morning as I was leaving Carter's classroom I looked back at him.  He pulled up onto a bookshelf, looked right at me, and waved good bye.  I instantly teared up.  It was the sweetest thing.  Like he was saying bye mommy, I'm fine here and I'm gonna have a great day, don't worry about me.  I also teared up because he looked so grown up standing there waving at me.  My brain almost instantly fast forwarded to other moments in life when I will have the same view.  Carter's first day of kindergarten.  Carter's first playdate.  His first sleep over.  His first weekend trip.  His first summer camp experience.  Dropping him off at his dorm to commence his college journey.  It's scary how fast it will all go by.  So I stood there outside his classroom door, watching him through the small rectangular window.  My tiny toddler, so fearless yet still needing his mommy.  He peered back at me from across his classroom and I finally had to pull myself away.  As I peeked back over my shoulder he had dropped down to the ground and crawled over to one of his friends to play.  With independence comes such joy because I know I am preparing him for the world and nurturing his ability to take care of himself.  That's not to say that joy isn't accompanied by tears.  Tears knowing that each day he will be a little bit older, a little bit different, needing his mom in different ways and I hate to say it, but needing me less.  It's almost as if he's waving good bye to the baby he used to be and embracing the toddler he has become.  My baby is a toddler.  Yes, a toddler.  It's time for me to get used to that.

Ready for a busy day at daycare.

Carter's 1st Day in the One Year Old Room

Yesterday was Carter's first day in the one year old room.  He woke up at 6 am and we went about our normal routine just like any other day.  That is other than dressing Carter in a special first day of school outfit and taking a bunch of pictures.  On the drive to daycare I felt like any other day.  I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotions that occurred while dropping Carter off.  As we walked past the infant room I felt my throat tighten.  Once inside Carter's new room I struggled to hold in my emotions.  Sometimes I'm caught off guard with my reactions to situations which is foreign to me.  I guess it comes along with the whole parenting thing.

 

Carter was greeted by the other children already in the room.  One of the kids even reached for Carter and then patted his back.  Carter was ready to get down and play so I sent him off.  It was just all so weird.  The room was different, the teacher was different, I didn't fill out any information like I used to on his infant daily sheet.  I felt lost.  The transition was nothing for Carter.  He took off right away, playing and babbling to the other kids.  I missed Miss Tracie.  I saw her across the kitchen area and that's when I realized it.  She was the reason I chose the daycare I did.  Her sweet, calm, caring demeanor.  Carter may not have been overly attached, but apparently I was.  I never once worried about leaving Carter with her.  I knew she cared for him just as if he were her own child.

Carter's new schedule.

You'd think such a small transition wouldn't make that much of a difference.  Carter moved to the room next door, no big deal, but it was.  I don't know if it was the absence of the full daily sheet (he now only has half a page with little tidbits), the different teacher, the different room, the different toys, the realization that he is over a year old, or the fact that in 3 more years he'll be in preschool.  Whatever it was, I cried the entire way to work and struggled to pull it together before the kids arrived for school.

This morning went much smoother for me.  Carter took off straight for the book shelf and pulled out a book to read.  Then he crawled off, pushed a car up against the wall, and proceeded to climb aboard.  One of the other little boys followed him around and even patted his back to say hello.  I felt much calmer going to work and didn't shed a single tear. 

Watching other students arrive.

It was as though my students sensed I needed some cheering up because I was greeted with 3 gifts this morning.  A rainbow loom bracelet, a rainbow loom ring which was so small it only fit on my pinky finger and cut off circulation at that, and a random Christmas basket which I'm thinking I better e-mail parents to make sure they know it was given to me as a gift.  I've had students randomly bring things from home to give me without asking their parents first.

Presents from my sweet kiddos.

Yesterday was another instance that reminded me this whole working mom thing is so much harder for me than it is for Carter.  I get all worked up and upset, missing him and wishing I could stay home, and he's at daycare cruising around having a blast with all of his friends.  It was a reminder to me that I need to lighten up, look at the bright side, and focus on how great things are for Carter and forget about how sad they make me.  No one said being a mom would be easy, but no one could ever explain how hard it truly is.  Walking around with your heart out of your body is an understatement for sure!