Embracing Independence

When I drop Carter off at daycare he typically watches me as I walk away or even crawls after me, but I never get a wave or a good bye kiss blown my way.  Sometimes when Ty leaves Carter waves to him and it's just so sweet.  I think it's mostly because I'm holding him and waving to Ty so he follows suit.  The last few days when I arrived to pick him up at daycare, he reached toward me, stretched out his fingers and then curled them back toward himself repeatedly, beckoning me forward.  It melted my heart and plastered a giant grin across my face.

Sharing a waffle.

Trying some of my soy milk.

This morning as I was leaving Carter's classroom I looked back at him.  He pulled up onto a bookshelf, looked right at me, and waved good bye.  I instantly teared up.  It was the sweetest thing.  Like he was saying bye mommy, I'm fine here and I'm gonna have a great day, don't worry about me.  I also teared up because he looked so grown up standing there waving at me.  My brain almost instantly fast forwarded to other moments in life when I will have the same view.  Carter's first day of kindergarten.  Carter's first playdate.  His first sleep over.  His first weekend trip.  His first summer camp experience.  Dropping him off at his dorm to commence his college journey.  It's scary how fast it will all go by.  So I stood there outside his classroom door, watching him through the small rectangular window.  My tiny toddler, so fearless yet still needing his mommy.  He peered back at me from across his classroom and I finally had to pull myself away.  As I peeked back over my shoulder he had dropped down to the ground and crawled over to one of his friends to play.  With independence comes such joy because I know I am preparing him for the world and nurturing his ability to take care of himself.  That's not to say that joy isn't accompanied by tears.  Tears knowing that each day he will be a little bit older, a little bit different, needing his mom in different ways and I hate to say it, but needing me less.  It's almost as if he's waving good bye to the baby he used to be and embracing the toddler he has become.  My baby is a toddler.  Yes, a toddler.  It's time for me to get used to that.

Ready for a busy day at daycare.

Carter's 1st Day in the One Year Old Room

Yesterday was Carter's first day in the one year old room.  He woke up at 6 am and we went about our normal routine just like any other day.  That is other than dressing Carter in a special first day of school outfit and taking a bunch of pictures.  On the drive to daycare I felt like any other day.  I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotions that occurred while dropping Carter off.  As we walked past the infant room I felt my throat tighten.  Once inside Carter's new room I struggled to hold in my emotions.  Sometimes I'm caught off guard with my reactions to situations which is foreign to me.  I guess it comes along with the whole parenting thing.

 

Carter was greeted by the other children already in the room.  One of the kids even reached for Carter and then patted his back.  Carter was ready to get down and play so I sent him off.  It was just all so weird.  The room was different, the teacher was different, I didn't fill out any information like I used to on his infant daily sheet.  I felt lost.  The transition was nothing for Carter.  He took off right away, playing and babbling to the other kids.  I missed Miss Tracie.  I saw her across the kitchen area and that's when I realized it.  She was the reason I chose the daycare I did.  Her sweet, calm, caring demeanor.  Carter may not have been overly attached, but apparently I was.  I never once worried about leaving Carter with her.  I knew she cared for him just as if he were her own child.

Carter's new schedule.

You'd think such a small transition wouldn't make that much of a difference.  Carter moved to the room next door, no big deal, but it was.  I don't know if it was the absence of the full daily sheet (he now only has half a page with little tidbits), the different teacher, the different room, the different toys, the realization that he is over a year old, or the fact that in 3 more years he'll be in preschool.  Whatever it was, I cried the entire way to work and struggled to pull it together before the kids arrived for school.

This morning went much smoother for me.  Carter took off straight for the book shelf and pulled out a book to read.  Then he crawled off, pushed a car up against the wall, and proceeded to climb aboard.  One of the other little boys followed him around and even patted his back to say hello.  I felt much calmer going to work and didn't shed a single tear. 

Watching other students arrive.

It was as though my students sensed I needed some cheering up because I was greeted with 3 gifts this morning.  A rainbow loom bracelet, a rainbow loom ring which was so small it only fit on my pinky finger and cut off circulation at that, and a random Christmas basket which I'm thinking I better e-mail parents to make sure they know it was given to me as a gift.  I've had students randomly bring things from home to give me without asking their parents first.

Presents from my sweet kiddos.

Yesterday was another instance that reminded me this whole working mom thing is so much harder for me than it is for Carter.  I get all worked up and upset, missing him and wishing I could stay home, and he's at daycare cruising around having a blast with all of his friends.  It was a reminder to me that I need to lighten up, look at the bright side, and focus on how great things are for Carter and forget about how sad they make me.  No one said being a mom would be easy, but no one could ever explain how hard it truly is.  Walking around with your heart out of your body is an understatement for sure!

Our Laid Back Baby

Yesterday when I went to pick Carter up his class was in the motor room.  The room has lots of toys and some equipment to play on.  As I was walking up I spotted him sitting on the floor playing.  Pretty much right as I spotted him one of the older kids threw a ball and it bounced off his head.  I couldn't help but chuckle.  Carter's eyes didn't move from the toys he was playing with.  Baby boy was serious about what he was doing!  He didn't cry, he didn't fuss, nothing.  The ball was one of those really light ones that obviously wouldn't hurt.  So don't think I'm a mean mom for giggling.

What's that?!!?

Today I told his main teacher (who was gone for the day when the ball incident happened) about it.  She then told me they were playing outside and she was spraying the children with a water bottle to cool them.  Some children cry because they don't like it, so she doesn't do it again.  Some children laugh and think it's hilarious.  She wasn't sure what Carter would think.  She sprayed him and he didn't even react.  He just kept playing like nothing had happened.  Man, I love my easy going boy!

First Day Back: Success!

Today was my first day back at work.  I was really nervous about it and feeling a bit down in the dumps about not being with Carter.  Thankfully it went really well.  This morning as I was getting ready I decided it was my goal to hold the tears in, so I put on regular mascara rather than water proof.  I was very proud of myself that I didn't cry.

Wouldn't you want to cry having to leave this face?!!

Our schedule was a little bit wonky because we had Meet the Teacher Night.  Students get to come meet their teachers, bring school supplies, fill out paper work, and see their classrooms.  It is held from 3-6pm.  Since we had to stay late we didn't report to work until 10:40 am.  It was nice to have a relaxed morning hanging out with Carter.  I got to nurse him twice and he took a little 30 minute nap.  I dropped him off at daycare feeling a little bit sad but I knew I would get to see him at lunch.

I arrived at school right at 10:40.  I really know how to time it these days!  I finished getting everything together for Meet the Teacher and then left to go see Carter at 12:10.  It was such a short time away, but it was a stretch without any students so it was actually the most I missed him.  I got to stay with him much longer than I normally do since I didn't have to get back to pick my students up from recess.

Walking back into the school was the closest I got to crying.  I teared up, but didn't let it happen.  It was hard because I knew I had 5 and a half hours until I would get to see Carter again.  Once the kids started arriving I was so busy and so excited to see them, that I didn't have time to think about how much I missed Carter.  For some reason I was really worried about Ty picking Carter up from daycare.  He wanted me to remind him which made me paranoid he was going to forget to get him.  My phone went off around 4:00 and I panicked thinking the daycare was calling me to tell me Carter hadn't been picked up.  Then I realized what time it was and how ridiculous that was.  Ty remembered to pick Carter up and had no trouble.

It was hard getting home just in time to get Carter ready for bed.  Momma needs her snuggles!  Is it bad that I'm glad he's still waking up once during the night so I get to hold him again?  I'm excited for this school year.  It's going to be such a good year.  We have an amazing group of 2nd graders and seeing our new first graders I can already tell they're precious!  I just always forget how little incoming 1st graders are.  It seems like every year I'm surprised by how tiny they are!  Now tomorrow I get to do it all over again with last names M-Z.  Hopefully it will be just as successful!

Harper supervising floor playtime.  Too cute not to share!

A Whirlwind of a Week...

And it's only Wednesday!

Sunday night we went on a desperate search for bottle soap.  We went to Target together on our way home from my parent’s house.  Then Ty dropped Carter and me off at home and he searched elsewhere.  All day Sunday I had been thinking Carter felt really warm, but just chalked it up to being held most of the day.  When Ty dropped us off at home, I pulled Carter out of his carseat and once again thought he felt warm.  I took his temperature and felt a slight panic come over me when it read 100.1.  I told myself to keep it calm and took it again multiple times, it still read 100.  I decided to give him a bath and take it again.  It read 99.4.  I felt much better, told Ty about it when he got home, and figured I would message the doctor in the morning to be safe.

The next day his temp was still 99.4 so I went ahead and took him to daycare.  I told his teacher and asked her to keep an eye on him.  That day we were taking our field trip to the zoo and I wouldn’t be able to leave since I’d be riding over on the bus, so I asked that they call Ty if needed.  I got a text from Ty around 9am saying Carter’s temp was 101 and he was going to pick him up.  He messaged the doc and was told to keep an eye on him and as long as he wasn’t fussy, we didn’t need to take him in.

Not to be outdone by daycare, Ty took notes on Carter's day.

Not long after Ty arrived home I received a picture of Carter smiling with a caption reading “I faked being sick today so I could stay home with daddy.”  It turned out Carter’s temp at daycare was actually 100.1 and Ty never got a reading over 99.5 at home.  

 

Carter being "fake sick" at home with daddy.

Ty left for a work trip to Las Vegas early Tuesday morning.  My mom came to watch Carter (more on his time with her to come) so I could go to work since I used all my sick and personal days for maternity leave.  She decided to stay all week to watch Carter and to keep me company until Ty returns on Friday.

Resting in bed with Grammy.

I was still worried.  Carter didn’t seem to be himself.  He wasn’t as smiley as normal.  Usually when I get home from work he smiles right when he sees my face.  Instead I had to pull out all the stops to get him to smile and even then it wasn’t his whole face I love you to pieces smile.  I really felt like something was wrong, but last time I insisted on a doctor’s appointment he just had a cold and all they did was give him a nasal decongestant.  I wanted an appointment that time because his nose and cough sounded so bad.  I wanted an appointment this time because my baby just wasn’t himself.

I decided to go ahead and message the doctor.  My mom later said she didn’t know how he ever got work done with people messaging him all the time!  We got an appointment for that afternoon and I could rest easy.

I told the doctor all of Carter’s symptoms and he checked him out.  It turned out he had an ear infection.  Luckily I caught it really early on, so it didn’t get too bad.  My mom told me I was right, he had needed to go to the doctor.  I joked I was 1 for 2, but deep down I was really glad I had listened to my gut.  She also said, “You really know your baby”.  And I thought about it, you know, I really do and I’m darn proud of it.  To most other people Carter seemed like a perfectly content baby, but to me he just wasn’t his happy and smiley self.   My mom enjoyed telling people I knew Carter was sick because instead of smiling all the time, he was just smiling sometimes. 

Carter's serious face.

Last night we had a bit of a rough night.  When he would wake up to eat he would eat a bit, then scream, eat some more, scream some more.  The only way I could get him back to sleep was to stand simultaneously swaying and bouncing him all while singing directly into his ear.  If any one of those three things stopped, the crying commenced.  It made for a long night, but I really didn’t mind due to the extra cuddles with my baby, just as long as he wasn’t crying.

Last night my grandma was moved from her nursing home to the hospital so my mom left to be with her this afternoon.  Carter goes back to daycare tomorrow.  He’s feeling much better so I hope his day goes okay.  I was sad to see our time with my mom cut short and even more sad for my grandma to be back in the hospital.  Please keep my grandma in your prayers.

Yesterday and Today in Pictures

Yesterday at lunch Carter was asleep when I got there.  I took a picture of him sleeping, stood there for about 2 minutes, and then he woke up.  It was like he sensed I was there, so he got up to eat.

Our noontime snuggles make being a working mom so much easier!

I love checking Daily Literacy Notebooks because of the random things students write at Work on Writing.  This brought the biggest smile to my face!

Bought this onesie at a garage sale and I love it... and his chubby thighs!

The new facility Carter's daycare moved into is fabulous.  They also got updated toys and furniture.  It's so precious because they no longer use high chairs, they have a short table with bitty chairs.  They must feel so grown up!  Today when I arrived to feed him at lunchtime he was hanging out in this toy.  Most of the triangles on the outside have mirrors.

Milk coma!

Today it was 70 degrees so Carter and I went out for some playtime when we got home.  He still isn't so sure about how bright the sun is, but he loves to look at the world around him.

As I was making my smoothie I listened to Ty in the other room laughing at Archer.  The sound of his laughter does my heart good.  I can only imagine how it will feel to hear Carter giggle for the first time.  I know it will be soon, he is getting close!

I'll leave you with a picture of my loves!

A Day in Our Lives

2:30am- I wake up to the sound of Carter moving around and making noise. I check the monitor and he’s still asleep, but will be up and hungry soon, so I get up and go to the bathroom. He begins to cry as I’m washing my hands, so I go in to feed him. He eats really well and I change his diaper because he is tooting a lot. He tricked me as his diaper is just wet. I try to switch sides, but he’s not interested, so I lay him back down and go back to bed.

Diaper change time!

5:30- Once again Carter is moving around in his crib. When I check the monitor, I can tell he is in a fitful sleep. I have been trying to wean him from this 2nd feeding by giving him a pacifier when he wakes up. Sometimes he goes without it, others no such luck. Today he puts his fist in his mouth and falls back to sleep.

6:00- My alarm goes off and I get up. I set up to pump and start getting ready. The hands-free pump bra was the best investment I’ve made since Carter was born! I am able to pump as I brush my teeth, straighten my hair, and put my make up on.

6:40- I head into the kitchen with the pump pieces.  I pull my smoothie out of the freezer to start thawing, make bottles, and begin cleaning the pump parts.  As I’m making bottles I hear Carter begin to move around and fuss.  I know he’ll be awake soon.

6:45- Carter begins to cry. I head into his room, feed him, and change his diaper. Now it’s time to get him ready for the day. This is one of my favorite times of the day. He is so happy and smiley and he warms my heart. These short moments in the morning are why I get up early enough to be ready before he wakes. I want to spend each possible moment in the morning playing with him, snuggling him, and loving on him.

7:10- I put Carter in the bassinet with wheels we borrowed from my friend Erin. He loves being propped up on a pillow in the bassinet where he can look around. I wheel him into the kitchen with me as I wash the rest of the pump parts and make a bowl of cereal for breakfast.

7:15- Carter and I go back into his room to play. I put him on his activity gym and he looks up at his toys as I eat breakfast. Ty wakes up and comes out of the bedroom. Normally he wakes up before 7 to work out before getting ready for the day, but today was a day off lifting and he must have been tired and decided to sleep in.

7:20- I let Carter stay on the activity gym to play as I go into the room to get dressed for the day.

7:25- I’m dressed and ready for the day. Ty leaves for work and I head back into Carter’s room to play until it’s time to leave. I pull out a blanket and pillow for the dreaded tummy time. Today is no different than most, he screeches in anger and I give in and allow him to stay on his back once he rolls over.

7:40- I load up the car with the many bags I now carry to and from work every day: my drawstring with running clothes, the pump, diaper bag, and my school bag. I get Carter situated in his car seat and then realize I forgot to put a coat on. I look at Carter and decide despite the 30 degree weather it’s not worth going back into the house. As I start the car I see the low fuel light come on and my heart drops. I forgot to get gas yesterday, so I have to stop at the gas station on the way to drop Carter off at daycare.

8:00- We arrive at Carter’s daycare. It’s the first day in the new facility and I’m excited as I walk in. It is absolutely amazing! Dropping Carter off is by far the most difficult part of my day, but his teacher is so sweet and caring it makes it much easier. Seeing the new building with all the new toys and gadgets, I feel even better about where he will spend his days. Carter is asleep, so I leave him in his car seat otherwise he’ll wake up when I get him out and it’s best for him to nap. I put his bottles in the fridge, extra clothes in his cubby, and prepare to say good bye. I kneel down on the floor and kiss him all over his face and tell him to have a good day and I’ll see him at lunchtime. I could kiss his chubby cheeks all day, but I know I have to leave soon or I’ll be late to work. I give him one last kiss and whisper in his ear that I love him, then head out the door with a lump in my throat.

8:18- I arrive at school in the nick of time. Official start time for teachers is 8:20. I turn on my computer and pull up SMART Notebook documents for morning work and math. Morning work will be projected on the SMART Board as students enter the classroom so they know exactly what to do. Today they will do math boxes in their math journals.

8:45- The first bell rings and I stand in the doorway greeting students as they enter. Seeing their smiling faces makes missing Carter so much easier. Our morning consists of morning work, calendar, our math lesson, math stations, community circle, and then off to special class at 10:30.

10:37- I get back to my classroom after dropping my students off in P.E. I set up and begin to pump. While pumping I eat a snack, check my e-mail, and work on lesson plans for next week. Again, hands-free pumping is so amazing!

The sign my co-teacher made for my door to indicate I'm pumping.  She's hilarious!

11:05- I take the pumped milk to the freezer and pick my students up from special class. When we return to the classroom we have writing time and then prepare for lunch. Our cafeteria is in a different building, so we leave for lunch at 11:50 and our lunchtime begins at noon. I sign out for lunch in the office as we are walking to the cafeteria, monitor my students to make sure they wash their hands and get in line, and then head to my car. I drink a smoothie as I drive to the daycare.

12:11- One of the best moments of my day, I arrive at Carter’s daycare. When I walk into his classroom he is fussing a bit because he’s hungry. He is in a bouncer and when I bend down to look at him, he smiles up at me. Moments like these melt my heart and make the rush of lunchtime so worth it. I would drive to daycare and back just to see that precious smile. I pick Carter up and he instantly nuzzles into my neck. I feel my body relax and everything is right with the world.

Momma, I'm hungry!

12:15- We are in the nursing room and I begin feeding him. I always make sure to head back to his classroom at 12:30 so I can say good bye again and pass him off. 15 minutes doesn’t seem like much, but this uninterrupted mommy/Carter time is bliss. When he finishes eating, he looks at me and smiles while I talk to him. As I walk back down the hall to his classroom I hold him tight to my chest and wish I didn’t have to let him go. I once again give him kisses all over his face and neck, whisper in his ear that I love him and I hope he has a good day, then I lay him down in his crib and head out. For some reason this time is harder than in the morning. I always stare back at him as I leave and miss him before I’m out of the room, but I know I’ll see him again in about 3 hours.

I have to hold my phone to the side or he stares at it instead of me and stops smiling.  Silly boy!

12:42- I arrive back at school. Our recess ends at 12:45, so I get back just in time to pick my students up from the playground. Today they have inside recess so I head back to the classroom and have them clean up. I am so thankful that we don’t have recess duty. It is such a blessing and allows me to see my precious boy at lunchtime! We have Reader’s Workshop right after lunch, followed by social studies, and then students pack up and enjoy a read aloud.

3:30- The dismissal bell rings and I say good bye and get a high five or a hug from each student as they leave. With 47 students this takes a while! I am in a multi-age classroom with another teacher, so we have 2 teachers and double the students. I rush around getting some things done so I can leave for the day. We can leave at 3:45 and I try to leave as close to then as possible.

3:50- I am packed up and headed out the door to pick Carter up. I take home a lot more work than I used to because I’d rather do things after Carter goes to bed at night than stay at school and miss precious awake time with him.

4:05- As I walk in to pick Carter up I am shocked to see he is in the same clothes he was wearing when I dropped him off in the morning! That is a first for him! His teacher says he really enjoyed sitting in the bouncer and stared up at the turtle hanging down above him. She said he almost giggled at it. Sounds like we need to get him a turtle toy to play with at home! I take him into the nursing room to feed him before we leave. He falls asleep when he’s finished nursing, so I put him in his car seat and change into my running clothes.

The nursing room.  It's actually bigger than it looks and has a small table by the rocker.

4:35- We arrive at the trails to run. I put together the stroller, get Carter situated, and we take off. It is cold today! It’s 39 degrees, but the wind chill is frigid so Carter is super bundled up. We run 3 miles and Carter sleeps the entire time.

Ready to run!

5:25- On the way home Carter wakes up and I talk to him as I drive. When we get home I feed him and we cuddle for a while. I love resting my nose on his head and inhaling his wonderful, baby smell.

5:45- I am getting cold from being sweaty and decide to shower. I put Carter in the bassinet and roll him into the bathroom with me. He loves to lay and stare at the lights above the mirror. I love being able to peek out and watch him.

This is the face I see when I get out of the shower!

6:05- Ty gets home. Normally he cooks dinner, but he has a dodge ball game for his company’s team tonight. He sits with Carter while I make a sandwich. He makes sure to get lots of cuddle time with Carter before he leaves.

6:55- Ty says good night to Carter and leaves for his dodge ball game.  I feed Carter again.

7:30- Time to start Carter’s bedtime routine.  I give him a bath, then put lotion on him, brush his hair, put on his jammies, and feed him.  At 7:50 I put him down in his crib and head to the kitchen to clean the bottles and pump supplies from the day.  He fusses for a couple of minutes, sucks his hand, and is asleep by 8:10.  I make my smoothie for lunch the next day and stick it in the freezer.

Harper thinks she needs to monitor bathtime.

Doesn't look like he'd be asleep just 20 minutes later!

8:30- Ty gets home. We sit and chat about his day and the dodge ball game. As much as I wish Carter was still awake because I miss him and want to play with him, I cherish this time with Ty to talk and enjoy each other.

I always have the monitor close by to watch my sleeping babe!

9:00- We sit down to watch some TV shows we have recorded and I work on some school stuff. 9:45- We start getting ready for bed and head to bed a little after 10:00.