Miscarriage Over a Year Later

Last March when we were going through the pain of finding out we had lost our baby, I thought the pain would never go away. In my mind I would always miss and long for that baby for the rest of my life. I even talked to middle aged women who felt that way about their miscarriages 20+ years ago. At the time it was hard to imagine ever not hurting over the loss. I know part of it was the fear that we'd never have another child. That something was wrong and Carter was a miracle baby. But a lot of it was simply wanting that baby. I dreaded the thought of reaching our baby's due date and the pain and longing I was sure to feel.

I know being pregnant and having the worry that Carter would be our one and only (believe me he's everything I ever wanted and enough on his own) subside made a huge difference for me. I was able to hold on to the fact that it happened for a reason. Something wasn't right and my body ended the pregnancy. My body did everything on its own and no intervention was needed. I believed in my body and was proud of my body. It certainly is good at the whole pregnancy and childbirth deal. Elise's pregnancy lined up so nicely with the pregnancy we lost. Exciting moments in her pregnancy overshadowed what I feared would be difficult days for us. The October due date came and went without me realizing because we were so excited for Elise's gender reveal party. After finding out we were having a girl I realized the due date for the baby we lost had come and gone without a single tear. Then the day we found out we'd had a miscarriage arrived the week before Elise was born so we were a bit preoccupied with excitement and anticipation over Elise's upcoming arrival. That date I did remember and all the memories flooded back to me over the course of the week. The date to me was a bad omen and I feared Elise would arrive on that day with issues or we'd find out on that day that something had gone wrong and we'd lost this baby too. But obviously the day came and went with no bad news.

Carter enjoying cake after finding out he was having a sister.

Something a friend who had a miscarriage before her first son told me had helped her was knowing if the miscarriage hadn't happened she wouldn't have her son. I'm so glad she shared that because it has been huge for me. Knowing that if I'd had that baby I wouldn't have my perfect, precious Elisey girl has let me fully let go. I've come to terms with what happened, knowing it happened for a reason and it lead us to the family we have now. I'm so thankful for how things have worked out. I look at Elise and I'm so glad she's here. I'm so glad she's 3 months old rather than 8 months old. I'm glad we had a spring baby rather than fall. I just know this is what we were meant to have.

We took this picture in March around the time I miscarried, although we didn't find out until about 2 weeks later.

Crazy how much bigger, more grown up, and more ready to be a big brother Carter was when we found out we were pregnant again in August. The timing was so right.

I know we are lucky and things don't always work out so perfectly for families who go through the pain of a miscarriage. Some families have multiple miscarriages or struggle for longer to conceive after. I wish that weren't the case. I wish all families who go through the loss of a pregnancy could quickly have the relief of seeing their new baby and knowing he/she was the baby they were meant to have. I wish no one would have to go through the pain of miscarriage more than once. I also know we were lucky to have lost our baby so early in the pregnancy, before we knew the sex, had a name, saw him/her on an ultrasound, had ultrasound strips to look at and plan out the future of the tiny baby. I can't imagine how much harder that would have been. I felt so much pain losing a baby I'd only known existed for 3 weeks. When I talk to women who lost babies late in the first trimester and even into the 2nd my heart aches for them. If you are currently going through or have gone through a miscarriage or are struggling to conceive my heart aches for you. Our story had a happy ending and I know some do not. Believe me, I am thankful every day for how things worked out for us. I am thankful during every nighttime feeding, each 2-3 am wake up, each moment of our witching hour of nonstop crying. I know how blessed we are. Just know I wish it for you too. I think of you, I think of the women out there crying for lost babies or babies they want so badly and aren't able to conceive. I think of you and hope for you and know one day you will find peace. I hope that knowing that is even just a little bit of comfort. Because even though I'm now at peace with our loss, I know how much it hurts.

Read about our miscarriage here, our follow-up appointment here, my feelings after a month here, what having a miscarriage taught me here, and my experience with trying to get pregnant afterward here. 

The Day I Felt Like a Failure

The day seemed to start out like any other.  It was an ordinary Tuesday.  I woke up to Carter coming into our room with his daddy so Ty could say good bye and I could get up with Carter.  Looking back there were so many things working against us.  Carter had been sick over the weekend running a 101-102 degree temperature and hadn't slept in bed by himself since the Thursday before.  Elise caught whatever he had which made her clingier and fussier.  Add onto that Carter's already higher than usual maintenance due to not feeling up to par and I should have been prepared.  We didn't do much the day before since we were all tired and both kids weren't feeling very good.  We grocery shopped in the morning, Carter visited Uncie J while I took Elise to the doctor, we ate lunch, we napped, we went for a run, and played for a little while at the splash pad.  Carter had actually asked to go home while we were at the splash pad which has never happened before.

Our day started off with some peek-a-boo in the laundry hamper.

That morning things quickly took a turn for the worse.  Carter was jumping on our bed as I was getting dressed.  I told him to stop because it wasn't safe and he could land on sissy.  He stopped but then walked right over and stomped on her leg.  I took him to time out and then we talked about how he had hurt sissy, he apologized, kissed her leg, and made sure she was okay.  Then next thing I knew he was kicking Harper so again to time out.  Again the apologizing and making sure she was okay.  After my run I left Elise in her car seat because she was asleep and put her in the doorway while I showered so I could keep an eye on her.  She was still asleep when I got out of the shower so I left her.  Carter went over and started kissing her which was fine.  Then he stood up and started rocking the car seat with a vengeance.  I told him that was too rough and he didn't want to wake sissy because she'd cry and I'd have to get her out and we would be late to the park.  He looked right at me and started slapping at her.  So another time out.  It wasn't even 10:00 yet and he'd already been to time out 3 times.  We had a morning playdate at the park and I was hoping that would be exactly what he needed.  I figured he just needed to get outside and run off some energy.  Then he would go back to normal.  We were ready early so we headed out and played before our friends arrived.  Carter was having a blast, trying all the ladders and splashing in puddles since he was wearing his boots.

Our friends arrived and in retrospect he was already getting tired, but it didn't register at the time.  It was after 11:00 and he had woken up early and had a rough night of sleep on top of that.  He was playing nicely with his buddy Landon and then Landon ran off to play on some other equipment.  He wasn't being mean or leaving Carter out on purpose, he just wanted to climb a ladder he hadn't yet.  Carter ran after him screaming, "NO LANDY!!!!"  I reassured him it was okay and that Landon just wanted to try out the ladder.  Wish I would have stopped right there and realized it was probably time to go home.  Elise started crying because she was hungry so I pulled her out of her car seat in the stroller to nurse and put a cover up on.  As we walked back over to the equipment Carter approached a little girl probably around a year and half old.  He went to hug her, but she turned so he hugged her from the side, they got off balance and fell down.  With how it happened it looked like he had tackled her, but I knew what he had tried to do.  As I was reminding Carter to be gentle and going to help them up, her mom ran over and pulled her up giving me a dirty look and chastising Carter.  As they walked away he slapped at the girl.  I told him no and walked him over to sit for a time out.  That's when we for real should have packed up and gone home.  But did I pick up on that?  Unfortunately, no.  So we stayed and after a while of playing nicely Carter did the same thing to a little boy.  He hugged him, but for too long and too hard so they both fell down.  As they were getting up Carter slapped the boy in the head.  I took him to time out again and had him go apologize and check on the boy.  A little while later Carter asked to go home and I happily said good bye to the moms we had met there and loaded up to go home.

I had felt pretty good all morning and really refreshed after our run.  The incidents at the park hadn't really bothered me too much at the time.  But on the drive home I started thinking about it more and getting more and more upset.  Leave it to postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation to make your mind go to dark places.  I started wondering where I'd gone wrong as a parent that Carter felt it was okay to hit other children.  Then I started thinking about all the ways I had possibly failed him to make him feel that way.  By the time I got home I was close to tears because in my mind I had failed miserably as a parent by raising a child who would become a bully in school, being mean to other children and physically harming them.  I stood making his lunch, my mind still reeling, when he out of no where blurted out "Grandpa Eddie".  I stopped and stared at him, wondering how he knew exactly what to say.  My Gandpa Eddie was notoriously a jokester and was ornery as can be all through childhood and honestly somewhat in adulthood, but he turned out to be an amazing man.  The kind of person who touched the lives of many people around him.  People I'd never met but felt inclined to share stories of him to me after he had passed.  I felt much better and put Carter down for his nap with somewhat uplifted spirits.

When Carter woke up from his nap it started all over again.  The terrorizing Harper and not being gentle enough with Elise and I lost it.  I just sat down on the couch and cried.  Carter came over, sat next to me, looked right into my face and asked, "Mommy okay?"  I told him I was sad.  I was sad because he had been mean to me, to Harper, to friends at the playground, and to sissy.  He looked me right in the face and said, "I stop all of that."  Although I knew he wouldn't follow through with that promise, it was a sweet sentiment.  That evening when Ty walked in the door I couldn't help it, one look at him and I began crying all over again.  I was exhausted.  I was tired of the time outs, of the hitting, of the kicking, of Elise's constant need to be held.  I wanted the day to be over.  I wanted to start over again.  I wanted Carter back to his normal self.  It had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  I felt like a failure as a parent.  The time outs weren't working.  Talking wasn't working.  I just wasn't getting through to my son.  After Carter went to bed Ty and I had a long talk.  We came to the conclusion that Carter was overtired, jealous, and needed attention.  We realized I should have left the park after Carter's incident with the first little girl.  I shouldn't have stayed letting it spiral out of control.  In my heart I knew it was just a bad day, but I couldn't help feeling worthless.  I cried more times than I'd like to admit.

I walked in to find Carter consoling Elise later in the day which almost made up for how mean he'd been to her earlier.

That day I was convinced I was a failure as a parent.  I had gone horribly wrong and ruined my perfect angel baby.  While having a conversation with my dad I told him I felt like a failure as a parent and he responded with, "And it won't be the last time."  Parenting can be hard.  Both babies were sick which meant I wasn't getting enough sleep.  I was tired, hormonal, and stressed out.  In my head I thought, "Maybe Carter would be better off going to daycare all day because I'm such a worthless parent."  Then I remembered having that thought before when Carter was around 2-3 months old.  I had set him in a laundry basket on the counter while I put away some folded laundry and it tipped over, spilling him out.  I remembered thinking, "Carter will be better off at daycare, at least they won't almost kill him."  When I remembered that thought I realized this day wasn't the first time I'd felt like a failure and as my dad pointed out, I know it won't be the last.  But I'll keep going and doing the best I can because I love my precious children more than can be described.  Although my day was terrible and I wished I could forget it ever happened, I was glad it reminded me not to put too much weight on just one day.  You can't measure anything in just one day and I shouldn't have made large generalizations about Carter's behavior and future based on a bad day.  Thank goodness we got to wake up and start over the following day!  

Carter's Big Boy Bed Transition

I can't pinpoint an exact reason, but I was dragging my feet on switching Carter over to his big boy bed.  Part of me wanted to wait until we bought a second monitor so we could have one in both rooms and we could do naps in the big boy bed and nighttime in the crib before switching over full-time, but I didn't actively do anything to get another monitor.  Carter had gotten really independent with naptime and I think that was in large part due to Jake being here some days and me not being able to rock him on those days.  I could put him in his crib with a few books.  He'd read the books, then push them into a corner of the crib and go to sleep.  It was amazing and surprising and a little bitter sweet all at once.  Some of my favorite moments in the day were rocking Carter before putting him down for bed.  I loved the last minute snuggles, kisses, and hair twirls.  I found I missed him more during naptime when I didn't get those.

Suddenly the first week in December I was ready.  I knew it was time and I wanted to get Carter moved over into his big boy room.  The room was ready, Carter was ready, and finally I was ready!  I told Ty and he put the bumpers on that night.  I let Carter watch and he giggled with excitement over the whole ordeal, especially each time I referred to the bed as his big boy bed.  Wednesday, December 3rd, at naptime I asked Carter if he wanted to try his big boy bed for naptime.  He started giggling, squealing, and said yes while shaking his hands in the air.  He was so jacked up about it, it became obvious he would need a while to settle down before he'd be able to sleep.  I laid down in bed with him and read him a few books.  While we were reading Harper hopped up in the bed with us and Carter was so excited.  I told Carter not to get out of bed until I came to get him.  Then I gave him a kiss and told him night night.  I couldn't decide whether to leave the door open or not since we didn't have a monitor in the room yet and decided to close it.  I was a little nervous Carter would start messing with Harper and she'd have no way to escape.  My nervousness turned out to be justified.

Excitedly trying out his big boy bed.

Bye bye Mommy, ni ni!

I headed into the kitchen to make dinner because I needed to have it ready to put in the oven since I tutored that night.  It was the strangest thing.  I had been so excited for Carter to sleep in his big boy bed, but now that he was in there I was struggling to hold back tears.  I knew I was ready, but it was just hard.  My baby was no longer in a crib and he was temporarily in a room with no monitor so I couldn't check on him.  As I started cooking dinner I heard Harper give Carter a warning bark.  I took off running toward the room only to slip and fall as I turned the corner.  I don't know if my socks were just slick or what, but it caught me by surprise.  When I got to the room and opened the door Harper came out running followed closely by Carter.  I told Carter, "No, Carter.  You don't get out of bed until mommy comes to get you."  He gave me the I know I did something wrong eyes and walked back to his bed and climbed in.  I laid down beside him to read a few more books and Harper again got on the bed with us.  I decided that since it was his first time in the bed and he was still learning and he was now past his regular naptime, I'd lay with him until he fell asleep.  He excitedly told me how it was also Harper's ni ni time and Opa's ni ni time and Daddy and Mommy's ni ni time.  Then he laid back, twirled my hair in his fingers and began sucking his thumb.  Just when I thought he was about asleep he sat up and pointed at Harper, exclaiming, "Harper ni ni!"  Then he pointed at his Christmas tree.  I told him, "Yes, Harper is also taking a nap and your tree is very pretty."  He laid back down and fell asleep shortly after.  This time I left the door open ajar so Harper could leave if she wanted and I could peek on Carter as he slept. 

Finally asleep!

Harper braving the bed with Carter again.

Leaving Carter's room the second time I felt much better.  I don't know if it was laying there until he fell asleep or leaving the door open so I could check on him.  Whatever it was I felt at peace with where he was.  That first nap was a successful one as he slept for 2 hours, not waking once.  When he woke up he sat in his crib and called for me.  He didn't get out of bed until I came in and got him up.  I debated whether to go for the bed again at nighttime or to stick with the bed at naptime for a while before venturing to nighttime sleep.  Ty and I discussed it and decided to let Carter take the lead.  I asked him if he wanted to sleep in his big boy bed and he said yes.  Then I asked him if he wanted to sleep in his crib and he also said yes.  So we were back at square one.  But then before bathtime he ran into his big boy room and got on his bed asking to go "ni ni".  While in the bed he continued to request to go "ni ni".  The whole time I got him ready for bed he was saying "ni ni, ni ni!"  Ty set the camera for the baby monitor up in the room while I lotioned Carter and put his jammies on.

I laid down in bed with Carter and read a few books to him.  Then I turned off the light and told him good night.  I started to leave the room and he yelled "no!" and started to cry so I laid back down.  After about 15 minutes I got up and told Carter good night.  He again yelled "no!" and began crying, but I left and decided to let him cry.  I watched him on the monitor and he sat in bed and cried hard for 5 minutes.  He was crying so hard it was one of those where I was afraid he would make himself throw up so I relented and headed back in.  The minute he saw me he laid back down so I told him good night and started to leave again, but he shot up and cried.  I figured it was just a transition so I laid down with him for a while longer.  Anytime I'd tell him good night and start to get up he'd squeal, "No, mommy!"  While I was in bed with him he would look at me and say, "Hi, mommy!"  It was so cute!  Eventually he looked at me and said, "Baby."  I asked him if he wanted his baby doll and he said yes so I asked him if he wanted me to go get it and he again said yes.  I retrieved his baby doll from his crib and laid it down by him.  He said thank you and then told me good night.  Without any tears I walked out of the room and when I checked on the monitor he had rolled over, put his arm around his baby doll, and was falling asleep.  

It's blurry because it was dark, but I still thought it was cute.

Sleeping with his arm around his baby doll.

I enjoyed reading a few books with Carter and then laying with him for a while before he fell asleep and he requested it every night and at naptime.  Unfortunately it turned out to be a bad habit to get into.  We visited Ty's parents over the weekend and Carter wouldn't go to sleep unless Ty or I laid with him until he fell asleep.  So the Monday after our trip I decided it was time to work Carter away from me laying in bed with him.  I explained to him that I wasn't going to lay with him anymore before laying him down.  At naptime I pulled a chair over by his bed and read him a few books.  Each time I started to leave he would cry hysterically so I stayed in his room, telling myself it was a step up that I wasn't in his bed.  Bedtime went about the same.

On Tuesday I thought about things more and decided there was no reason why he couldn't sleep in his big boy bed by himself other than that we got into a bad habit.  It was time for me to be a tough mom and put an end to our bad bed habits.  I rocked him just like usual and then laid him down for his nap.  He immediately got up and went to the door crying.  I let him cry for about 5 minutes and then went back in, had him get in bed, gave him all his buddies, kissed him, and left.  Immediately upon me shutting the door he was out of bed and crying at the door again.  I tried letting him go a bit longer and then going back in and following the same procedure.  It again didn't work.  After the 3rd time of going back in and getting him set back up in bed I realized going back in was just getting him more worked up.  So after those 30 minutes of going back in to check on him after 5, 10, and 15 minute increments I sat down on the couch with the monitor and waited out the crying.  After nearly an hour I was starting to be convinced he would skip his nap altogether when he walked back to his bed, climbed in, cried a few last cries looking back at the door, and fell asleep in exhaustion.

The whole ordeal was terrible.  I hated listening to Carter cry.  I wanted to be in there with him.  He wanted me in there with him.  But I knew it wasn't a good habit for us and would just cause more pain later on.  It's not good for him to be dependent on me to fall asleep.  What good is a big boy bed if he can't be a big boy and sleep in it on his own?  While I listened to him cry I wanted to cry.  I became frustrated.  I wanted to hit something.  My heart hurt.  I had to keep reminding myself that it would pass.  Eventually he'd be sleeping in his big boy bed with no problems and I would be glad I toughed it out.  If I didn't do it he would always want me to sleep with him and I would regret not transitioning away from it sooner.  That night I was fully prepared for another hour long cry session when I put him down for bed.  I wasn't sure I could handle it again as it frazzled my nerves and made me sick to my stomach at naptime.  I was prepared to put on headphones and try to get my mind off the monitor.  Just like at naptime I rocked Carter for a while and then laid him down in his bed.  I tucked him in and handed him all of his buddies.  Then I left and watched him get out of bed on the monitor as I walked down the hall.  He began crying while I was in the kitchen pouring myself a glass of milk and getting a snack.  By the time I sat down on the couch with my milk and food Carter had stopped crying and was climbing back in bed.  I was shocked!  Less than 5 minutes of crying and Little Mister was asleep!  All I can say is that I'm glad he learns quickly.  He saved this momma a lot of stress by going to sleep so quickly!  I love my little guy and I hate that I made this transition harder on him than it needed to be by laying with him initially.  You live, you learn, and hopefully Elise will benefit!  Although I know she'll come with her own unique set of challenges.

Now I lay Carter down with no crying and he goes right to sleep.  He doesn't want to read books or rock, he just wants his bed!  I was changing his diaper before naptime one day and he kept requesting to go "ni ni".  I told him I would go lay him down when he had a fresh diaper on and he started cheering "yay!"  It was hilarious!  I'm now able to lay Carter down in his bed and leave without so much as a peep most nights.  Occasionally if he's overtired he'll cry for a few minutes, but it never lasts long.  One night he was way overtired.  He got out of bed, laid by the door and cried for a couple minutes before climbing back into bed and going to sleep.  Part of me wishes he wanted to read some books in bed or cuddle before going to sleep, but I know this routine is better.  This way if anyone else needs to put him down for bed it shouldn't be a problem.  Before when we rocked before bed, Carter would only go down for me.  With how little mister goes down for naps and bedtime now, no one would believe me that he at one point screamed and cried when I left him alone in his big boy bed.  The crying is tough to listen to, but it is so worth it in the end!

All snuggled up with his buddies and ready for bed!

His new thing is climbing up by his pillows and sleeping across them.

Ultrasounds and Pregnancy

When we first discovered we were pregnant with Carter I found out from my co-worker, who originally referred me to my OB/Gyn, that our doctor did ultrasounds at every appointment.  I'm not the type of person who just blindly follows my doctors orders and only listens to that one person's advice.  I always go into my appointments having thoroughly researched all of my questions so I can compare what my doctor says with the most current and up-to-date research.  In my opinion, why listen to one expert's opinion when you can also get the opinion of countless other experts and be better informed?  So I immediately began researching ultrasounds and their safety specifically during pregnancy.  I was fully prepared to walk into my appointment and turn down ultrasounds if the research showed them to be unsafe, but everything I found at the time deemed ultrasounds safe during pregnancy. 

According to information I found, ultrasounds were first used during pregnancy in the late 1950's and early 1960's.  It was still a relatively new technology when my mom was pregnant and there wasn't long-term evidence to prove ultrasounds were safe, so she opted out of having ultrasounds during her pregnancies.  Ultrasounds have been around long enough now that there are various research studies showing ultrasounds have no long-term effects on fetuses once they are born and grow to adulthood.  Reading different research articles along with simple online articles such as this one alleviated my fears about ultrasounds.

As I learned more about ultrasounds I began to wonder why all doctors don't do ultrasounds at every appointment.  Using an ultrasound to measure the fetus is much more accurate than measuring fundal height to determine fetal growth.  Ultrasounds can also detect other issues that may arise later in pregnancy such as low fluid levels and baby being in breech position.  So I called upon a friend who just graduated as an OB/Gyn.  I asked her why all doctors don't do an ultrasound at every appointment and her answer was simple.  Ultrasounds are only seen as medically necessary in certain situations and doing an ultrasound takes longer.  Doctors want to get in as many patients as they can in a day to make more money.  If they do ultrasounds at each appointment, the appointment takes longer and cuts into the number of patients they can see.  Even more information was revealed at my first appointment.  Like I said, I do all my research before asking my doctor, so at my first appointment I asked him why he does an ultrasound at every visit.  He replied that ultrasounds are a better way for him to safely monitor the pregnancy.  I think he assumed my question came out of concerns for payment so he continued to explain that insurance companies only cover the first ultrasound for measurement and dating purposes and then the mid-pregnancy ultrasound.  He said that they only bill out for those 2 ultrasounds and do not charge patients for the rest of the ultrasounds.  So I came to realize that another reason ultrasounds are not used more frequently is because insurance companies won't pay for them.

During my time researching I found a few facts that made me a bit nervous initially.  I found that when doing an ultrasound heat is generated and absorbed into the body.  It is possible the heat could increase the temperature of the fetus.  I read on to find out that as long as the wand is moved frequently enough and isn't left in one place there isn't a problem.  After having an ultrasound with my doctor I was reassured that he does that.  He does numerous ultrasounds every day and I can't even try to guess how many each year.  Therefore he is extremely efficient and our ultrasounds always move so quickly.  At first I was a little bit disappointed he did them so quickly because I wanted to see the baby for longer, but I realized it was best to make them quick so as not to expose baby to any unnecessary heat.  All of our ultrasounds including our 20 week ultrasound lasted for less than 5 minutes, some even just a few minutes to measure the baby, check fluid levels, and listen to the heart beat.  It is so important to have an ultrasound technician who is proficient at fetal ultrasounds.  When we went to the hospital because we were worried I'd had a miscarriage our technician was clumsy, slow, and didn't seem to know what she was doing very well.  Our ultrasound took nearly 20 minutes and made me realize how efficient our doctor is.  He knows exactly what he's looking for and gets right to it.

A headline jumped off the page and frightened me when I googled "Are ultrasounds safe during pregnancy?".  The headline read "Are Ultrasounds Causing Autism in Unborn Babies".  My heart dropped in my chest as I clicked on the link and then was shocked to read what followed.  The article's only data present was correlational, not causational.  They noted that as the use of ultrasounds have gone up, so has the prevalence of autism.  While those 2 things are correlated, there is no evidence to show one causes the other.  If we are following down that same way of reasoning, I could claim that divorce causes autism since as the rate of divorce has increased, so has the rate of autism.  It is flawed reasoning and doesn't draw on all the information available.  Reasoning like that lead to people opting out of vaccinations for fear of autism and caused widespread ignorance and panic.  Personally, I think it is sensationalized reporting simply to catch readers' attention and it certainly worked as it caught mine. 

After Carter was born I went on a binge reading birth story after birth story.  Of course along with the wonderful birth stories there were the sad and tragic.  As I would read the stories I would wonder, could that have been avoided if they'd had more frequent ultrasounds?  I was so thankful for our doctor and the time and effort he put into our appointments to keep both me and Carter safe.  I didn't have to worry that something was wrong because he was constantly checking.  I had a friend who was in labor for 12 hours before having an ultrasound to find baby was breech and then having to have a c-section.  That wouldn't have happened if she had an ultrasound later in pregnancy.  A girl I graduated with gave birth to a 10 pound baby vaginally which caused significant pain and damage to her.  Had her doctor used a more accurate way to calculate baby's size she would have been better prepared for delivery day and would have possibly chosen a c-section.  My aunt had an emergency delivery with my cousin after going into her husband's office (he's an OB/Gyn) to get an ultrasound just for fun because she wanted to see the baby.  The doctor found she had dangerously low fluid levels and sent her to the hospital immediately.  What would have happened if she didn't go in for that ultrasound?  It's scary to imagine.  These are extreme cases and most labors and deliveries go off without a hitch.  But I feel comforted that situations like that will not happen to me because the extra time and ultrasounds my doctor puts into our appointments.

Obviously I am not a proponent of using medicine when it is not necessary.  I took absolutely no medicine when pregnant with Carter, not even Tylenol, and have taken nothing this time around either.  I chose to deliver with no pain medication, but I did accept the IV.  If my doctor only did 2 ultrasounds during pregnancy I wouldn't be off looking for a different doctor, but my doctor offers ultrasounds at every appointment and I will not turn them down.  I agree with my doctor that they are safe and that they help him more safely monitor my pregnancy.  I agree with the long-term research studies that show no ill effects of ultrasounds during pregnancy.  After finding out at my 12 week appointment that my placenta was low and over my cervix I was even more grateful that my doctor does ultrasounds every visit.  Discovering that early on helped me to make better decisions regarding exercise during pregnancy and caused me to take precautions such as skipping long runs, running with my phone, and running with a buddy in case of emergency.  Continuing to have ultrasounds allowed me to enjoy the great news that my placenta shifted.  While I know regular ultrasounds during pregnancy are not for everyone, I felt the need to share why they are for me.  I have done my research, I've looked at the science, and I have made my decision.  While things can go wrong with or without ultrasounds, I'd rather have one more safe-guard on my side, helping to ensure my baby is born healthy and safe.

Week 4 Bumpdate

August 2, 2014

Baby's Size: The size of a poppy seed.

Weight Gain: Nothing and I'm starting this pregnancy at the same weight I started the pregnancy with Carter, win!

Maternity Clothes: Absolutely not!  I figure I will have to pull them out earlier this time around, but last time it was well after the first trimester before I ever needed them.

Sleep: I've been sleeping really hard and not waking up to go to the bathroom yet.  I wake up feeling really tired every morning.  The day before I took a pregnancy test I woke up tired and felt tired all day until a couple hours before bedtime when I perked up.  I remember that with Carter, I'd get a 2nd wind before bedtime and feel better than I had all day so I wouldn't want to go to bed.

Symptoms: So far my symptoms are pretty mild.  I've been really tired lately and thought I was just catching up on sleep from our trip.  I've also been a lot hungrier.  I thought maybe that was because I over-ate some on the trip so I was hungry going back to my regular amount of food.  I've also had some breast tenderness but not much worse than the typical tenderness that comes at the end of my cycle.

Running: It's been a little hit and miss this week.  I had a few days where my pace was still 8:00 minute per mile pace then I had days where my legs felt heavy and I struggled at 9:30 pace.  So far running has been much better this time around than with Carter.  My weekly mileage was 17 miles. 

Food Cravings: Food in general.  I've been sooo hungry! 

Food Aversions: Nothing yet although Ty made some smoked cream cheese and it totally grossed me out and was disgusting.

Movement: So looking forward to feeling the baby!

Best Moment of the Week: Taking a pregnancy test and seeing a positive result.  Trying to get pregnant this time has been such an emotional roller coaster.  With Carter and the baby we lost we got pregnant the first month.  This time it took 3 months.  I know that's still quick and we are so lucky, but with how emotional I've been since our loss I was a mess.  Looking down and seeing the word "pregnant" with Ty standing next to me was amazing.  I couldn't wait to pull out Carter's "I may be little, but I'm the big brother" onesie!

Currently Loving: Feeling pregnancy symptoms. After last time, it's so nice to feel them and have them as a constant reminder that everything is okay. I'm nervous about losing the baby, but I promised myself I would allow myself to get excited and feel happy with no reservations if we were to conceive again. Right now I'm allowing myself to be overjoyed and if something happens we'll deal with it when we get there.

Miss Anything: I was sad when Ty reminded me I couldn't eat soft serve anymore.  I am obsessed with Braum's frozen yogurt soft serve.  I guess that's a good thing though, it will help me keep my dessert consumption to a minimum!

What Big Brother is Up to This Week: Carter man has a molar coming through which is causing him some difficulty with sleeping.  We are gearing up for next week, our first week with the little boy I will be watching.  Carter has been practicing with a doll to prepare him which will also help out when baby arrives!  I'm glad Carter will have the practice with our little babysitting boy before baby comes along.

Two Boys and a Very Tricky Door

Today is one of our days with Jake.  I've been impressed that each time Jake is here Carter does a little bit better with him.  He hasn't been as jealous and even played with cars while I fed Jake.  Normally he wants to sit in my lap while I feed Jake so he can get attention too.  When Jake arrived this morning Carter even clapped out of excitement and couldn't wait to see him.  When I got Jake up from his nap Carter heard me and came running in to see him.

Riding bikes together.

I asked Carter to show Jake how to make music on his car.

We did have a hiccup this morning but it didn't have to do with them not getting along.  Carter loves to shut doors, especially the door to his big boy room.  Then he'll stand in the room and yell "mommy" until I come open the door.  He was doing it just like usual this morning as I was putting Jake down for a nap, no big deal.  Except when I went to open the door for him, I couldn't get it opened!  I realized the door was locked which I hadn't even realized it did.  I looked at the knob and there didn't appear to be a slot for a key.  I panicked and rammed the door with my hip, it didn't quite budge although the wood cracked.  Then I ran outside holding the baby monitor so I could still see Jake and looked at the windows.  I could tell there was no way I was breaking into one of them, that was the whole point of getting new windows after we got robbed.  So I went back inside and stood at the door thinking, all while listening to Carter cry for me over and over.  I called Ty, no answer.  I called my mom, no answer.  I called my dad, no answer.  As I was standing pondering what to do or who to call next I decided to try a credit card.  I grabbed a Baby's R Us VIB card out of my wallet and tried using it to unlock the door while I called Jeremy.  Jeremy picked up the phone as I unlocked the door.  Carter very happily came running out of the room to me, crisis averted.  Now what do I do to keep him from accidentally locking himself in again in the future?  I think that will be a solution for Ty!

Shenanigans for Days

These past couple of days Carter has been a whirlwind of a child leaving catastrophes in his wake.  He is such a calm and even tempered child that sometimes I forget he is only 16 months old and a boy.  Because after all, boys will be boys.  I get annoyed by the saying and wish people wouldn't say it at times, but it is true.  Through my years in the classroom I've come to discover that boys do tend to be a bit more rough and tumble than girls.  I fought it for a long time because I grew up with 2 brothers and was a bit of a tom boy.  Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of extremely calm boys and overly wild and crazy girls.  But as a momma of a boy I understand that broken things simply comes with the territory.  Anyway, the shenanigans began yesterday.

My sweet babay!

During bath time last night little mister got an unwelcome surprise.  He frequently holds onto an in-the-wall soap dish when he stands in the tub.  He was doing just that and slipped.  He didn't even fall down, but it must have been just enough force because it ripped the soap dish out of the wall.  Little buddy was fine, but the experience scared him and he began to cry.  It may have been the first time he ripped something off the wall, but I'm sure it won't be the last.

The damage.

Now we have a hole in our wall!

Then this morning I was in the bathroom straightening my hair and heard a strange noise.  Carter had wandered off and gotten into something.  I called for him and he happily came walking in holding a tiny container that I keep earrings in on my dresser.  I panicked and checked his mouth.  He had a small metal bearing in his mouth which I pulled out.  I went into our bedroom and found the bearings all over the floor.  I had forgotten Ty put them in my container when the drawer slide of our bed broke.  I called for Ty who came in and figured out how many there should have been.  We searched the carpet and found all but 2 of the bearings.  We messaged the doctor and he said if they weren't magnetic it wasn't something to worry about, but we could bring him in for x-rays to be sure he hadn't swallowed the 2 missing bearings.  We decided not to take him in since the bearings weren't magnetic.  I'm not convinced he swallowed him because when I pulled the bearing out of his mouth he still had some food from breakfast in his mouth.  If he had swallowed bearings, I figure some of the food would have gone down too.  Talk about stressful for mommy, though!  That's another thing that stinks about working is that I have to get ready by a certain time in the morning.  I let Carter wander off for about a minute at a time before going after him so it doesn't take me all day to get ready.  Now I can't even do that, ugh!

Carter helping search for the bearings.

Rolling around in the way.

To follow-up all the craziness, a couple stories about my baby being sweet and calm...  I absolutely love sharing food with Carter.  One of my favorite things is to have him nestled in my lap as I hand him or spoon him pieces of my meal.  The feelings are mutual.  It doesn't matter if we are eating the exact same thing, Carter would much rather eat it off my plate.  Lately when we get home in the evenings, I'll get an orange or other fruit, Carter will sit in my lap, and we will enjoy our snack together.

Carter man has become very well-liked at daycare.  He has his one little fan who follows him around all day and demands hugs while yelling his name the moment he walks in the door.  She cries when he leaves and reaches for him as I carry him away.  Now she's not the only one.  Yesterday when I picked Carter up at daycare I found him sitting on the floor with his arm around one of the little boys getting ready to move up to the one year old room (he visits frequently to ease his transition when the time comes) in a hug.  The teacher walked over, picked Carter up, and carried him to me.  The moment Carter was taken away, the little boy began to cry and reach for Carter.  He was still crying and reaching his arms out to Carter as we walked out the door.  Carter definitely got the character trait from his daddy that no matter where he goes and how hard people try, they just can't help but like him.  He's just so lovable and sweet.  I love that about my boys! 

We Can't Catch a Break Around Here

After getting called to pick Carter up, due to him running a temperature, half-way through the day last Monday (well, 40 minutes from a half-day so I was charged a full day even though I'd been at work for over 3 hours) his grammy came to watch him Tuesday through Thursday so he could recover.  He went back to daycare on Friday and was back to normal for the weekend.  Then he woke up Sunday morning with the inside corner of his left eye all red and swollen.  He wasn't running a temperature and was acting normal other than the puffy eye.  I decided to give him some Tylenol for the inflammation only to look over after giving him the correct dosage for Tylenol to notice I had picked up Ibuprofen by mistake.  So I had given him over double the recommended amount of Ibuprofen.  Ty's grandma wasn't worried, so I figured I didn't need to worry either, but I couldn't help it.  I decided to call Poison Control just to be on the safe side and they told me it was fine, to just make sure he drank plenty of fluids.  Crisis averted!

Poor buddy's eye was so swollen!

With Carter being sick we haven't been getting as much sleep as we'd like around here.  Last week he was waking up 3-4 times at night because he just didn't feel good.  Friday night he was down to only waking up once and then coming to bed with us around 4 am.  Saturday night he slept until 5 am so I brought him to bed with us for an hour.  Sunday night he was up during the middle of the night again.  We took his temperature Monday morning and it was in the low 100's.  His eye was still swollen, but not too bad.  Since his temperature was 100.3 and he can't go to daycare if it's 100.4 or above I stayed home with him, leaving me just 2 or 3 sick days for the remainder of the year.  I hope the month of May is kinder to my Carter man than the month of April has been!  Carter woke up still running a temperature this morning so daddy stayed home with him today. 

Snuggles with my poor, sick baby!

 

I'm looking forward to next year when I no longer have to worry about sick days.  When I don't have to fret about whether to send him with a 100 degree temp or not because I'm almost out of sick days.  When I don't have to work on typing up lesson plans for a substitute while Carter cries and clings to me, desperately wanting rocked and more attention because he doesn't feel well.  When I won't have to go to work and leave him at home with someone else.  While Ty and my mom are both amazing caregivers and I know Carter is just as well off with them home as he is with me, there is something about leaving your sick baby that is just heart wrenching.  Knowing my baby is sick and not being the one to soothe him and rock him to sleep leaves me feeling sad all day long.  Being home with a sick baby is definitely sad, no one wants their baby to be sick.  But being away from your baby when he/she is sick is so much worse!  Only 6 and a half weeks left, but who's counting?

Carter's Ear Tube Procedure

This morning when our alarms went off at 5:00 am Ty was so eager to turn them off, he tried to roll over me to get to mine!  I hit snooze and slowly rolled out of bed assuming Ty was not going to get up with the first alarm.  I was pleased I had been able to sleep.  I was worried nerves would keep me from catching any rest, but I slept soundly until about 4:30 am when I awoke and struggled to fall back to sleep.  Fortunately the more information I read about the procedure Carter was to undergo, the better I felt.  I knew he would only be in surgery for about 10-15 minutes and the procedure is the most common childhood surgery.  We needed to leave at 5:30 so I waited until the last minute to wake Carter.  He's had a few mornings this past week where he woke up at 5 or 5:30, but of course today was not one of them!  I went in a little after 5:20, rubbed his back, carefully pulled him out of bed, changed his diaper, and off we went.

A little tired, but ready to go!

We arrived at the hospital a little before 5:45 and got checked in quickly.  Carter was a little bit tired, but fairly alert during our wait.  There were multiple other children in the waiting room most likely undergoing the same procedure.  One little boy was definitely a morning person and was running all over the room, talking, and keeping his parents on their toes.  Carter sat in my lap for quite a while and then wanted to walk around.  Then he read a book with daddy and not long after we were taken back to a room.  

Watching the other little boy run around the room.

Just chilling in the waiting room.  You can see the busy boy in the background.

 

Reading with daddy.

The first thing I noticed walking into the room was a little teddy bear sitting on the miniature bed.  The nurse told us the teddy bear was for Carter and we even had to sign a release saying we got to take the bear, but understood the button eyes could be a choking hazard!  Ty signed paperwork while I held Carter.  The nurse had us change Carter into a gown with tigers on it which we all enjoyed.  She put a monitor around his toe and then we placed booties on his feet.  They gave him some medicine our doctor had described to me during our appointment that was supposed to make him feel calm.  The nurse described it as goofy medicine and said he may act goofy and he would look like a drunk toddler if he attempted to walk.  I held him and we rocked in a rocking chair in the room.  He got sleepy initially and then got a bit goofy smiling and then leaning in really close to my face and biting my nose.  After biting my nose a few times and grinning ear to ear about it, he leaned in and chewed on my shirt.

Changed into his tiger gown.

He was not pleased that I set him down, he wanted to be held!

So I obliged of course!

When we first entered the back area they had me set Carter on a scale to get his weight.  He screamed and cried, reaching for me the whole time.  I was thankful they gave him the medicine to calm him because when the nurse came to get him and wheeled him out of the room, he just sadly looked at me and reached his arms up to be picked up.  There was no crying, screaming, or breaking of my heart as he was wheeled away.  Ty and I were sent back to the waiting room after being told the procedure would last 5-10 minutes and the doctor would come out to talk with us after anywhere from 15-30 minutes.  After speaking to the doctor a nurse would come to take us back to a recovery room once Carter opened his eyes.  We sat down in the waiting room to eat the snacks we had been given and then I headed to the bathroom.  When I came out I was shocked when Ty said I had missed the doctor.  A few minutes later the nurse came out to get us and take us back to Carter's recovery room.

Starting to get sleepy.

 

Before Carter was taken away the anesthesiologist described to us what would happen before, during, and after the procedure.  He told us the recovery area would be a sad place with lots of crying, not because the children are in pain, but because they don't like the way they feel from the anesthesia.  He said even when you try to soothe them they will typically still cry.  I was so glad he prepared us for that because as we were walking down the halls, before we even got to the recovery area, I could hear Carter crying.  A momma knows her baby's cry and it sure was hard to walk the nurse's pace and not run ahead to find my baby.  When we got to little man he was laying in the bed.  I scooped him up and held him as he screamed.  I had a bit of a flashback to the newborn days as I realized I needed to support his neck because his head was flopping around.  When I first picked him up, he continued to cry, but I could see him start to come to a little bit more because he looked up at me and stopped crying as I rocked him back and forth.  They got Pedialyte for him to drink and he drank so violently he soaked the front of my shirt.  We packed bananas for him, but didn't even attempt to feed him.  He was struggling just to drink.  

Poor guy was so upset in the recovery room!

After just a few minutes in the recovery area, monitoring his breathing, we were released to go home.  He was still crying a little bit off and on, but would look up at me and stop occasionally.  We pulled out of the parking lot at 7:45, just 45 minutes after he was wheeled into the surgery area and 2 hours after arriving.  I was so thankful everything had gone so smoothly and our sweet boy was on his way home.  We fed him a banana and some more Pedialyte before changing his diaper and then all 3 of us crashed in our bed for family naptime.

Chugging Pedialyte on the way home.

Carter woke up from the nap really fussy, but he was just super hungry.  After feeding him and sharing some cuddles he was ready to get up and play.  He played for about 3 hours and was ready to take another nap.  I am amazed at how quick the recovery has been!  He is doing really well and other than being a little bit fussier than normal, is acting his typical self.  We have to make sure no water gets in his ears for 3 days and will give him drops in his ears for the same amount of time.  Then it's business as usual.  We don't have to worry about keeping water out of his ears or protecting them any more than we already would after the tubes have time to settle in!   

Eating some dark cherries after his nap.

Down for nap #2.

Our Trip to the ENT

This morning we had our appointment with the ENT.  I was extremely nervous about the visit although hopeful for good news.  With the numerous ear infections (5 to be exact, read about them here, here, here, here) I figured I wasn't going to get the news I wanted.  My hope was that Carter wouldn't need ear tubes and therefore surgery.  Our appointment started with a quick hearing test.  They inserted a soft plug in his ears to check the mobility of his ear drum.  Then we sat in a chair in a special room.  They used a computer in the room looking into ours to make noises in different areas of our room.  Once Carter looked that direction there was a toy that would light up to keep his attention.  One toy was a teddy bear playing the drums, one was a cat that would walk, and I don't remember what the last one was.  For some reason I couldn't stop laughing.  Seeing his head pop around to see what all the noise was about totally cracked me up.  I think a little bit of it had to do with my nerves as well.  Darn that nervous laughter I get when I'm worried about Carter!

After the hearing test we were taken back to a room to wait for the doctor.  We had to wait for a while and Carter was very good.  At first he just sat quietly playing in his chair looking like such a big boy.  Then he tried to climb on the table, so I got him down and we walked around the room.  He wanted to continuously walk circles and I started getting dizzy so I was very thankful when he noticed the silver foot rest of the chair in the middle of the room.  The game then became climbing up onto the platform and then back down to the floor over and over.  He was so adorable and would laugh as he stood on top.  Eventually he lost interest in that and we looked through magazines and I pointed out pictures.  We found a picture of a dog which he repeatedly pointed at and said "dody" over and over.  He loves dogs!  I pointed out a picture of a baby and said baby over and over.  He repeated baby after me.

King of the foot rest!

When the doctor came in we must have looked strange sitting there on the floor.  He was extremely nice and very sweet about looking in Carter's ears.  I was quick to let him know Carter won't be in daycare come June in hopes that would sway the decision on whether he needed tubes or not.  Unfortunately after a quick look in Carter's ears he explained that Carter has fluid in his middle ear which is causing him some hearing difficulty.  He was quite impressed with how Carter did on his hearing test and was surprised he could hear as well as he can.  He then showed me the results on how his ear drum is functioning.  A normal ear drum results in a peaked pattern.  Carter's results showed a "flat line" which means his ear drum did not vibrate normally.  The doctor described what things sound like to Carter as when you or I push down on our ears (like when you are a kid bugging a sibling and "plug" your ears so as not to hear them).  Everything is muffled to him and the noises and sounds he's making are much louder in his head.  Why he enjoys screaming and screeching so much when it's louder in his head is beyond me.  Due to Carter's hearing difficulties his speech is a bit delayed.  He's still saying 6 words with frequency and accuracy (mommy, daddy, kitty cat, doggy, and ball) but that's about it.  Everything else he copy cats after we say it or just isn't proficient.  He's working on Harper and it typically sounds like pa-par, which is adorable.  When they put the tubes in they will suck the fluid out.  Removing the fluid should improve Carter's balance (which could be part of his "confidence" issue when it came to walking) and his speech.

The picture on the left shows a normal middle ear.  The picture on the right shows one with fluid like Carter's.

I left the office completely scared, but knowing the procedure is the best thing for Carter.  I can be a bit dramatic at times and of course my head goes to the place, would it be better for him to have some hearing, speech, and balance issues or to not wake up from anesthesia?  Of course I'd rather him have the hearing, speech, and balance issues.  But then I would never give him any medication, allow him to have any surgery, or even go on car rides if I thought like that.  I have to believe in the doctors and especially the anesthesiologist who do this every day.  Carter is a healthy boy and should have no complications.  His surgery is set for Monday, March 24th.  Please keep us in your thoughts as I'm sure to be a nervous wreck for those 10-15 minutes he is under anesthesia.  If only they'd let me stand right beside him the whole time to make sure he is breathing!