Love Without Fear

Jeremy Update:

This morning Jeremy went in for surgery which was successful. His filter is placed so if the blood clots in his legs break loose, they will be stopped from going into his heart. That was a huge relief for us! His drain attached to his shunt which had been continuously on and draining cerebral spinal fluid was then set so it would only drain if his ICP rose above 20. Now it is clamped and is not being used at all. His bed is now at a 30 degree angle and he is tolerating all of that wonderfully. His ICP has been under 10 most of the day and under 15 all day. The ortho team is now discussing surgery on his femur early next week. We would love for that to happen. Right now his pentobarbital has been decreased to 2.75 mg/kg/hr. So we are almost half-way weaned! With the decrease in the pento he has been having some tremurs. I know it's silly, but seeing his lips move has been thrilling for me. It reminds me he is alive in there and will be moving again soon. Now on to some random thoughts put together in a post...

Carter was so excited when he found this picture of me and Jeremy at Jeremy's house.

As I drove home from the hospital one day the song "Like I'm Gonna Lose You" by Meghan Trainor came on the radio. As I listened to the lyrics I began to cry. It's so true that "In the blink of an eye... You could lose everything. The truth is you'll never know." I cried over taking Jeremy for granted, for not fully appreciating how lucky we were to have him within walking distance, for not inviting him over for dinner enough, for not dropping Carter off for special Uncie J time enough. But as time has worn on and I've come to terms with what is happening and how our lives are changing, I'm also struck by how wrong some of the other lyrics are. I get the sentiment of loving someone like you are going to lose them, the thought that you don't take their presence for granted. I get that. But is it really possible to never have moments of taking someone for granted who we are lucky enough to have intertwined in our lives? Those people who are so much a part of our lives they become meshed into the very essence of our being. It's like saying you will never fight, it's just not possible. Part of truly loving someone is caring enough to call them on their bull shit, caring enough to say the tough stuff, caring enough to share your feelings, caring enough to talk about unpleasantries. Part of having people who you spend a great deal of time with is sometimes forgetting how lucky you are to have them there. It's just a part of life. I am currently experiencing loving someone like I might lose them and it hurts. It hurts a lot. It is deeply rooted in fear and sadness. I don't want to ever love someone like I might lose them because that is a love that is tinged with fear. The fear of loss. I want to love those important people in my life without fear, without holding back, with wild abandon. 

Jeremy has this picture of us running my first marathon hanging in his bedroom.

Yesterday evening Ty came home straight from work and mom was treating us to dinner out so I didn't have to cook. Instead I went out for a run alone, no stroller, no kids, no dog. And the therapy session began. It started with a sluggish 8:04 mile and ended with a rocking out 6:51 mile. As I ran down the sidewalks I thought back to my first run after Jeremy's accident. I drove to the trails to run and told my dad I would be running on the trails for quite a while, if I ever ran on the streets again. But then within a week I was out on the streets again. Life is full of unexpected, of scary, of life changing. What I hold onto is that you can't let fear control your life. You can't let fear keep you from doing what you love. True my brother nearly died crossing a street during a run. It was scary. It is scary. It was and continues to be life changing for all of us. Does that mean we should stop running? Does it mean we should stop doing what we love? Absolutely not, although I do believe it should make us more cautious as I hope it has made every runner who has heard Jeremy's story do just that. Don't stop doing what you love, just do it carefully. As I turned the corner heading into the 3rd mile of my run a car drove by with its windows down and that song blaring. It was a gentle reminder: don't take this for granted and don't live in fear. The fear must never overshadow the love. And yesterday evening as the sun set and the stars began to twinkle in the sky, I fell back in love. It was the first run since Jeremy's accident that I actually enjoyed. It was the first run I let loose with wild abandon and let my legs carry me away. I'm thankful for that and I will keep at it, carefully and cautiously enjoying what I love. 

Another picture Jeremy has hanging in his room, us running a half marathon together.

Another picture Jeremy has hanging in his room.