Miscarriage Over a Year Later

Last March when we were going through the pain of finding out we had lost our baby, I thought the pain would never go away. In my mind I would always miss and long for that baby for the rest of my life. I even talked to middle aged women who felt that way about their miscarriages 20+ years ago. At the time it was hard to imagine ever not hurting over the loss. I know part of it was the fear that we'd never have another child. That something was wrong and Carter was a miracle baby. But a lot of it was simply wanting that baby. I dreaded the thought of reaching our baby's due date and the pain and longing I was sure to feel.

I know being pregnant and having the worry that Carter would be our one and only (believe me he's everything I ever wanted and enough on his own) subside made a huge difference for me. I was able to hold on to the fact that it happened for a reason. Something wasn't right and my body ended the pregnancy. My body did everything on its own and no intervention was needed. I believed in my body and was proud of my body. It certainly is good at the whole pregnancy and childbirth deal. Elise's pregnancy lined up so nicely with the pregnancy we lost. Exciting moments in her pregnancy overshadowed what I feared would be difficult days for us. The October due date came and went without me realizing because we were so excited for Elise's gender reveal party. After finding out we were having a girl I realized the due date for the baby we lost had come and gone without a single tear. Then the day we found out we'd had a miscarriage arrived the week before Elise was born so we were a bit preoccupied with excitement and anticipation over Elise's upcoming arrival. That date I did remember and all the memories flooded back to me over the course of the week. The date to me was a bad omen and I feared Elise would arrive on that day with issues or we'd find out on that day that something had gone wrong and we'd lost this baby too. But obviously the day came and went with no bad news.

Carter enjoying cake after finding out he was having a sister.

Something a friend who had a miscarriage before her first son told me had helped her was knowing if the miscarriage hadn't happened she wouldn't have her son. I'm so glad she shared that because it has been huge for me. Knowing that if I'd had that baby I wouldn't have my perfect, precious Elisey girl has let me fully let go. I've come to terms with what happened, knowing it happened for a reason and it lead us to the family we have now. I'm so thankful for how things have worked out. I look at Elise and I'm so glad she's here. I'm so glad she's 3 months old rather than 8 months old. I'm glad we had a spring baby rather than fall. I just know this is what we were meant to have.

We took this picture in March around the time I miscarried, although we didn't find out until about 2 weeks later.

Crazy how much bigger, more grown up, and more ready to be a big brother Carter was when we found out we were pregnant again in August. The timing was so right.

I know we are lucky and things don't always work out so perfectly for families who go through the pain of a miscarriage. Some families have multiple miscarriages or struggle for longer to conceive after. I wish that weren't the case. I wish all families who go through the loss of a pregnancy could quickly have the relief of seeing their new baby and knowing he/she was the baby they were meant to have. I wish no one would have to go through the pain of miscarriage more than once. I also know we were lucky to have lost our baby so early in the pregnancy, before we knew the sex, had a name, saw him/her on an ultrasound, had ultrasound strips to look at and plan out the future of the tiny baby. I can't imagine how much harder that would have been. I felt so much pain losing a baby I'd only known existed for 3 weeks. When I talk to women who lost babies late in the first trimester and even into the 2nd my heart aches for them. If you are currently going through or have gone through a miscarriage or are struggling to conceive my heart aches for you. Our story had a happy ending and I know some do not. Believe me, I am thankful every day for how things worked out for us. I am thankful during every nighttime feeding, each 2-3 am wake up, each moment of our witching hour of nonstop crying. I know how blessed we are. Just know I wish it for you too. I think of you, I think of the women out there crying for lost babies or babies they want so badly and aren't able to conceive. I think of you and hope for you and know one day you will find peace. I hope that knowing that is even just a little bit of comfort. Because even though I'm now at peace with our loss, I know how much it hurts.

Read about our miscarriage here, our follow-up appointment here, my feelings after a month here, what having a miscarriage taught me here, and my experience with trying to get pregnant afterward here.