Working to Move On

My life is wonderful.  I have amazing family including my in-laws.  We're in single digit weeks left until I get to stay home with Carter full time.  I'm happy.  At times I even feel like I've gotten over the sadness of having a miscarriage.  And then all the sudden it hits me full force when I'm not expecting it.  Earlier this week I was picking Carter up from daycare which is typically one of my favorite moments of the day.  As we were walking out of his classroom I saw one of the little boys in his class, who is about to move up to the 2 year old room, walk by with his dad.  Then his mom turned the corner with an infant in her arms.  I knew she had been pregnant.  I saw her on Valentine's Day when I was dropping Carter off and she was very obviously pregnant.  But seeing siblings at about the age difference Carter would have been with the baby we lost got me.  I felt a lump rise in my throat and I squeezed Carter even tighter to my chest.  After strapping him into his car seat and driving off the tears began to flow.  I kept thinking, that would have been us.  We would have been walking along with a nearly 2 year old and an infant held close to our chests.  My heart wanted that.  My heart ached for that.  I try not to focus on what could have been, but there it was, staring me in the face.

As hard as I've worked to convince myself that the timing of our pregnancy just wasn't right and that I wasn't ready for another baby, it's just not true.  I tend to put on a cheery face and pretend everything is fine, not just for others but to help me heal.  When I smile I feel better.  When I pretend I'm okay, slowly that becomes my reality.  Allowing sadness to wash over me tends to drown me in grief.  I pretended to be happy at work for months before admitting to myself, Ty, and all of you that I was actually miserable.  I in no way plan to dwell on our miscarriage and write post after post about it, but I feel like it is time to get real.  To allow myself to feel the hurt and pain.  It's all a part of the healing process after all, at least that's what they say.

So here I am confessing that I do feel pain and disappointment over it.  My heart does ache from time to time.  As much as I want to believe I didn't want that baby, I did.  The moment I saw that eight letter word displayed across the screen of the pregnancy test I fell in love.  I fell in love with a baby that hadn't even formed yet.  I wanted that baby.  My heart leapt in excitement for that baby and ached to meet that baby.  I pictured Carter meeting his new little sibling.  I had a dream where the baby was born (it was a boy) and somehow I was in the other room and missed him being delivered.  Maybe that dream was my subconscious giving me a hint, who knows.

Almost immediately I pulled up the same Baby Center Due Date Calculator I had used with Carter and was given an estimated due date of October 29th.  Later on I scrolled down the page and we realized I would be 16 weeks pregnant the week of Ty's birthday.  We were so excited thinking we could have a gender reveal party the weekend of Ty's birthday which would be perfect because Carter's gender reveal party was the weekend of my birthday.  After talking it over with my principal and then with Ty I had decided instead of resigning to take a year leave of absence.  That way if we realized after a year we just couldn't quite make ends meet without my income, I could go back to work and not lose out on any years and be guaranteed a job.  When we found out we were pregnant the timing seemed perfect.  If it didn't work out for me to stay home I wouldn't go back to work until the baby was almost 10 months old and I'd only have to pump for 3 months.

I love the MyPregnancy app and read it religiously with Carter.  So of course I downloaded it again.  The bad thing about the app is they have computer generated pictures that show what your baby should look like and how they are developing.  The weekend before the miscarriage the baby would have just grown hands and feet.  I looked at the picture and fell even more in love with the baby I thought was growing in my belly, but had actually stopped developing about a week and a half before.  That was when I finally let go of the fear (with Carter and again this time around I was a nervous wreck worrying about having a miscarriage) and allowed myself to be fully happy and excited that we were expecting.  Did that make it harder to get the news at the hospital a few days later?  I really don't think so.  It would have been devastating news either way.

Life is hard.  Sad things happen.  We have to learn to let go and move on.  Sharing my feelings is one way I choose to do that.  To get it out, to set it free.  It's almost as though sharing how I feel forces me to own it, to accept it, and to acknowledge it's okay.  When I put how I feel out there I am prepared to deal with any comments devaluing how I feel and to stand up for myself.  For some reason being ready to take criticism makes me fully embrace my feelings.  I accept the fact that as much as I want to convince myself otherwise I'm not just sad I'm not pregnant, I'm sad I'm not pregnant with that baby.  And it's okay.  It's okay to be sad, it's okay to grieve.  Accepting that has helped me to let go a little bit more.

Of course I have to look at the positive of this experience.  I spent 7 weeks worrying and stressing that I was going to have a miscarriage and lose our baby and I still had a miscarriage.  It's one of those things you have no control over (most of the time).  Worrying about it did not change the outcome.  Worrying about it and understanding it was a possibility (a 20% chance possibility, I did WAY too much research) didn't make it any less painful.  Why worry and be scared of something I have no control over?  Why didn't I spend those 7 weeks excited and happy?  Either way would have ended in the same result and the same pain.  So next time around, if we're so lucky, I choose to be happy.  I choose not be consumed with fear and worry.  I choose to be elated and ecstatic because no matter what happens later on, in that moment there is a baby growing inside me!  And thankfully right now I'm surrounded by friends, family, and fellow bloggers who are having babies which allows me to see sweet newborn faces (and hopefully hold sweet newborns in the near future) which makes it all just a little bit easier!

Carter reading with daddy.