I Had a Miscarriage

Just 4 words but so heavy with emotion.  It is so hard to say and I feel like each word clings to my tongue and doesn't want to leave my mouth.  With each syllable my voice loses a little bit of steam, grows fainter, gets a little bit quieter.  But it is my reality.  I had a miscarriage.  It is finally starting to sink in, to become real, to hurt a little bit less.  Not that I have had much time to process.

February 19th Ty and I were so excited when we were greeted with the word "pregnant" on a pregnancy test.  Everything started out normally with an increase in appetite, extreme exhaustion, migraines and headaches, shortness of breath, and nausea.  But then little by little my symptoms eased up.  It was so gradual that I didn't even notice until last week.  I started worrying because my breasts weren't sore and I was still running around 8:30 pace.  I remembered with Carter my breasts were so sore on runs I had to wear super tight bras and start slowly to minimize the bouncing and I had slowed to 9:30 pace on runs (without the stroller).  I kept telling Ty that I just didn't feel pregnant.  So last weekend he bought a pack of pregnancy tests and I took one on Friday evening with the same "pregnant" result.  We told ourselves every pregnancy is different and maybe I was just going to have an easier 1st trimester this go around.

Then the bleeding started.  It was really light at first and only appeared when I went to the bathroom, on the toilet paper after I wiped.  I wasn't too worried because I had a similar experience with Carter.  But then it had been days and I was still experiencing the very light bleeding.  I wouldn't even say it was spotting at this point.  I called my doctor's office yesterday morning and was reassured by the nurse that it was probably fine since I wasn't having any cramping.  Then in the afternoon I took a quick restroom break and had a small clot about half the size of my pinky fingernail.  As I looked down at it I knew it wasn't right.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I struggled to push them back, knowing I needed to hustle back to the classroom.  I called the doctor's office again requesting an appointment.  My doctor was gone at a meeting and the nurse again assured me it was probably fine.  I felt better talking to her, but the moment I got off the phone I felt the uneasiness in my chest again.  Deep down I knew that what was happening just wasn't right.

Picking Carter up was such a relief.  The moment I had him in my arms my stress and worry began to melt away.  No matter what was going on with my body and the pregnancy I knew I had the most perfect little boy and how can you be sad when you have that?  As I prepared his dinner I started getting cramps in my lower back.  The kind of cramps I get before I start my period.  I still wasn't having any cramping in my pelvis, but it felt achy just like when I'm about to get my period.  I began to come to the realization that I was most likely experiencing a miscarriage.  My nurse had said to wait until my appointment next week to come in and if I began bleeding heavily to go to the hospital.  I still wasn't bleeding heavily, but it had become more like spotting.  I decided I wanted to go to the hospital.  I didn't want to spend an entire week waiting, worrying, and wondering.  If I was having a miscarriage I wanted to know and I wanted to know as soon as possible.

I bathed Carter and put him down just like normal and then Jeremy came over to stay with him while Ty and I headed to the hospital.  We arrived a little before 8 pm and I was a nervous wreck.  I couldn't sit still, jiggling my legs and feet, rubbing Ty's arm, and squeezing his hand.  After an agonizing hour and a half a nurse came to take me back to a room, but Ty wasn't allowed to go with me.  They took blood samples, vitals, and sent me for a urine sample.  When I walked into the restroom I looked in the mirror and noticed my chest was broken out in hives.  Afterward I was sent back into the waiting room for another hour and a half wait.  Finally an ultrasound technician came out to get me and took me back for an ultrasound.  The ultrasound revealed a gestational sac with nothing inside it.  I knew at 7 weeks (how far along we estimated I was) I should see a fetal pole and a yolk sac.  There was nothing of the sort.  The gestational sac measured in at 5 weeks, 4 days.  I asked the tech if that could be because something went wrong and the baby stopped developing.  She said not necessarily, possibly I caught my pregnancy really early on and I was just 2 weeks behind what I thought.  She sent us back out to the waiting room to see a doctor before being discharged.

We sat and contemplated what we had seen during the ultrasound.  The moment I saw the empty sac my heart dropped, I knew that wasn't good.  I wasn't buying her explanation as to why the sac was measuring small.  In my heart I knew something had gone wrong, but I needed to hear it.  I grew increasingly anxious as I watched the minute hand creep closer to midnight.  We had spent nearly 4 hours in the emergency room and I still didn't have a definitive answer.  Sweet Ty finally went to the main desk to request that we be discharged so we could go home.  When they took my blood they had left the needle in my arm so they could add an IV if needed.  It was uncomfortable and I was both physically and emotionally exhausted.  I hadn't been given an answer and felt like I wasn't going to.  All I wanted to do was go home, stare at Carter on the monitor for a few moments, thank my lucky stars I have one healthy baby, and crash in bed.

Ty came back with good news that they would take me back so I could talk to a doctor and be discharged.  The doctor walked in, looked at my paperwork, turned to me and said, "Okay, so you have had a miscarriage".  Just like that, no lead in, nothing.  The words hung in the air for a moment and I felt as though they were choking me.  I sat there staring at her working as hard as I possibly could to hold in the tears.  But all the stress of the day, all the worry, all the hope that maybe somehow everything was okay came rushing out.  There was no turning back.  The tears weren't going away.  She desperately scrambled, asking me questions, reassuring me I would have a healthy pregnancy in the future, trying her best to stop the tears.  All I wanted was for her to get the hell out of the room.  The moment she walked out I turned and clung to Ty as I was hit by waves of sadness and disappointment.  The walk out of the room, through the waiting room, and out the hospital doors seemed so long with everyone casting their glance away as the girl who had obviously been crying walked by.

To sum it up, my egg was initially fertilized and implanted in my uterine wall.  Something wasn't quite right with the embryo and my body aborted the pregnancy at 5 weeks.  Now it's just a waiting game as my body flushes out all of the pregnancy related blood and tissue.  I go to my regular doctor a week from today on the day that was supposed to be my first prenatal appointment to make sure everything is getting cleaned out appropriately.

It is amazing how something that I wasn't quite sure I was ready for, is something I so desperately wanted once it was taken away.  I admit the timing of the pregnancy was earlier than I had hoped.  We wanted more space between Carter and Baby #2 than just 22 months.  I was surprised, but obviously excited when we discovered we were pregnant.  I loved being pregnant with Carter and we want another baby so we were very excited.  I looked past the worry about switching Carter over from his crib early, having 2 babies in diapers, and not having much time home just me and Carter before baby's arrival and focused on the feel of a precious newborn in my arms.

Today I have gone through moments where I feel totally fine and then moments when I'm slapped with a wave of sadness.  When I hold Carter in my arms I am reminded that he is enough.  Even if we are unable to have more children, Carter is everything I've ever wanted.  He is perfect and amazing and all ours.  Our son.  It is impossible not to feel some sadness, but it is impossible to remain sad when I'm with our sweet little boy.  I am reminded that it is all worth it.  Any pain, any sadness is worth the joy of giving birth to a child, holding that child in your arms, and watching that child learn and grow.  I know I will do it all over again.  I will sweat through the 1st trimester filled with worry.  I will grit my teeth during the 3rd trimester hoping I make it to full term.  I will embrace the migraines, the nausea, the exhaustion, because it is worth it.  Babies are the most amazing experience in life.  I would go through all of this again if it means at some point down the line we will add another baby to our family.  It may take some time before I am emotionally ready to take that chance again, but I know I will.

To add some cheer to an otherwise somewhat sad post, Carter with a chocolate milk mustache.