It's Easier the Second Time Around

This past week back at work was so much easier than going back to work for the first time back in March.  I hoped it would be, but I really had no idea what to expect.  It wasn't easier because I love Carter any less or because I want to be with him any less.  It's easier because now I can see how much fun he has at daycare and how much he loves his teachers.  He still gets excited to see me.  Once I come into view he fusses until he's in my arms. 

When I leave him in the morning and see him start playing with the toys, it's just a little bit easier to leave.  My chest aches just a little bit less.  My smile wobbles with less intensity.  My eyes fill with fewer tears.  When I arrive to pick him up I love sneaking in before he sees me and watching him interact with the other children and teachers.  I am so grateful for an amazing daycare and teachers who love Carter just as I love my students.  It's a wonderful thing.

Playing outside on the turf grass at daycare.

After last week I've been feeling really good about the first day of school tomorrow.  I will be eating lunch in the cafeteria with my students for the first couple days, so I won't get to see Carter at lunchtime.  I was finally starting to feel like I'd be okay.  That I could handle it.  I know dismissal will be crazy.  The buses will most likely be late.  There will be issues.  I will walk each and every student to their bus and watch them safely board.  Because of this I'll leave school 30-45 minutes later than usual.  I kept telling myself it was okay.  I would be fine.

Then this morning as I was holding Carter, I kissed his head and he felt warm.  I took his temperature.  It was 100 degrees.  Low grade, but still, no momma wants her baby to have a temp.  Then I went to change his diaper and noticed spots all over his belly.  As I pulled off his diaper I saw them on his bottom.  He had taken 2 naps both longer than normal in the morning, but I attributed it to not napping well during the week at daycare.  Ty's parents were visiting and his mom thought it looked like roseola.  The rash is already gone and he's no longer running a fever, but he is so tired!  He took another nap this afternoon and still looked tired when he woke up.  My poor baby.

Extra snuggles with grandma and grandpa seemed to help.

Assuming he does have roseola, I read up on it.  According to the internet sources, roseola typically isn't contagious anymore once the child breaks out in a rash.  It said to keep your child home until the rash is gone.  Since Carter's rash is already gone, it should be okay for him to go to daycare.  It breaks my heart that I can't be home with him when he's not feeling well, but I just can't be gone on the first day of school.  Any teacher in the world will agree with that.  And Ty can't take a sick day until he's worked at his new job for 3 months.  I know Carter will probably just sleep most of the day and there's really nothing I can do to make him feel better.  Doesn't change the fact that a mom wants to be with her baby when he/she doesn't feel well.

So here I go from feeling good about the first day of school.  Feeling confident that I can conquer the day with extra time away from Carter and be okay.  To feeling just downright depressed about it.  I know everything will be fine and Carter will be well taken care of, I just can't shake wanting to hold him and cuddle him and whisper in his ear that everything will be okay and he will feel better soon.  I'm definitely more upset about him being sick than he is.  He's such a sweet, little guy!  Wish me luck tomorrow and send love my way, I'm gonna need it!