In Case I'm Not Here to Tell You

Dear Carter,

Since you've been born I've started thinking more about everything.  One thing I think about from time to time is that something could happen to me and I would have to leave you without a mom.  Then I start thinking about everything I would want you to know if I wasn't here to tell you.  One day as I was driving to pick you up at daycare I thought, why not write all of those things down?  Why not make sure if something were to happen to me you could read everything I would want you to know?  So this is my "in case I'm not here to tell you" letter.

First of all, I want you to know how much I love you.  No matter where I am, on this Earth or elsewhere, I love you more than words can ever describe.  I have loved you from the moment I found out you existed.  The whole time I was pregnant I ate much healthier, refused to take any medicine, and did special exercises all to keep you safe.  I loved looking down at my growing belly, knowing you were there.  I was so excited the day I felt you kicking and moving for the first time.  So many people told me I would grow tired of feeling your movements, but I never did.  Each time I felt a jab or a kick I would stop what I was doing and stare down at my tummy to see you.  I will never forget the day you were born and I got to see your face for the first time.  Your skin against my skin was the most amazing feeling in the world.  I was so tired, but so happy.  True happiness came to me the day you were born.  Those first days home with you I was in awe.  You were so tiny, such a miracle, such a sweet baby.  You were so easy going and calm.  You still are.  Holding you in my arms I forget problems exist.

No matter what you do I am proud of you.  There may be times I am disappointed and wish you had made a different choice, but I am still proud of you.  All I ever want is for you to be you.  People may try to make you feel bad or do what they want by telling you I wouldn't be proud of you.  Please don't listen to them.  Know in your heart that I am always proud of you.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone disappoints others.  It's part of life.  Doing what you know is right in your heart is all that matters.  What I want most is for you to be who you were meant to be no matter what anyone else says.  You are perfect the way you are, but also know we are all works in progress.  You should always strive to be a better version of you.  

When I look at your daddy I am filled with love.  He is truly one of the most amazing people I've ever met.  One of the things I hope for you the most is that you will find someone to love you as much as I love your daddy.  I don't care if that person is a man or woman.  I don't care about that person's race, religion, culture, or anything else.  Even if I'm not here to meet that person I want you to know I love him/her.  I know that even without meeting him/her because of how much they must love you and how much you love that person in return.  One of the greatest gifts in this world is finding that perfect person to share your life with.  All the great moments along with all the struggles.  When you find that person, remember to treat him/her like the gift they are.  Remember to tell him/her how much you love him/her every single day.

I know there will be more things to add onto this letter later, but right now this is it.  These are the big things I want you to know.  The things that I don't want to leave this Earth without getting to tell you.

We have so much fun together!