I Can Do This... Right?

As I packed my bag I felt a ball of sadness rising into my chest.  I did my best to push it down and hold in the tears.  I've been in a state of denial toward my upcoming trip, but it is now upon me.  This weekend I will travel to San Diego by myself.  No Ty, no Carter, all alone.  One of my best friends is getting married on Sunday.  I will fly into San Diego Saturday afternoon and fly out early Monday morning.  That means I will be away from Carter for 2 whole nights.  It will be the first time I've been away from him overnight.

When I was about 7 months pregnant with Carter my friend, Steph, called me to tell me she was engaged.  I was so excited for her and to be at her wedding.  A few days later she called to let me know she planned to get married in San Diego.  At the time my main concern was the cost of plane tickets.  Ty and I planned to go together and maybe take Carter.  We figured Carter would be 9 months old and we would either take him with us or he could stay the weekend at my parents' house.  At the time I had no idea how hard it would be to be away from Carter for even 3 hours, let alone an entire weekend.

Gonna miss this sweet boy!

Once Carter was born I realized how hard it was to be away from my baby!  I read that the damage done to a car seat when checked is equivalent to being in a car wreck.  I didn't want to worry about his car seat and I didn't want to expose him to the germs of an airplane.  But I just couldn't stand the thought of being away from him.  Then Ty got a new job and we found out he wouldn't be able to take a personal day for the 1st 6 months at his job.  So I'd be going without Ty.  The question became do I take Carter with me or leave him home with Ty?

I dragged my feet buying tickets.  I couldn't decide what to do.  I wanted to take Carter with me because I didn't want to be away from him.  Thinking about Carter I knew he would have more fun at home with Ty.  If he went with me he would fly in a plane, drive in a car, go to a wedding, probably stay up past his bedtime, drive some more, and fly some more with not much baby fun in between.  With Ty he would have a fun weekend with daddy and his grandparents because Ty planned to visit my parents and run a Halloween race that weekend.  Ty had been dying to run the race and create a costume involving Carter and the stroller.  Did I really want to take that away from him?

I finally decided not to take Carter.  Then it was an internal battle whether I would still go or not.  I just kept picturing Steph saying those vows, wearing that dress, making a commitment to spend her life with the man she loves.  I just couldn't miss that.  I knew if I didn't go to her wedding I would always regret it.  Would I later regret being away from Carter for one weekend?  I figured not.  What I want more in this moment is to stay home with Carter, but what I will care more about later on is that I was at Steph's wedding.

So this will be hard.  Really hard.  I battled myself for months before I finally bucked up and bought tickets.  I don't expect it to be anything other than heart wrenching to make that trip to the airport alone.  Some mornings as I drive to work when I see Carter's empty car seat in the rear view mirror I break down and cry.  I struggle on days when I can't see Carter at lunchtime because I'm away from him for 8 hours which is the longest amount of time I've ever been away from him.  Now we'll be pushing 48 hours of separation.  Wish me luck.  I'm gonna need every bit of it that I can get.

Man, I'm gonna miss this babay!