Lately I've been struggling with being a working momma a lot. It had gotten easier the past couple of months and then a couple weeks ago I was having a hard time again. Today something happened at work that was the last straw and I lost my cool during my plan time. I was angry and upset all wrapped in one and had a hard time getting thoughts out of my mouth while keeping tears in my eyes.
Thankfully in moments like those I have an amazing "work spouse" who has already been through what I'm going through. She talked me off the ledge. I went from a volcano spewing over with guilt, hurt, sadness, and a hint of depression to a zen-like calm all in the matter of a 15 minute talk. It's amazing what a difference it makes to have someone listen calmly as I freak out and then talk me through my issues.
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| How is my sweet boy almost 11 months old?!!? |
We came to the conclusion that part of the reason why I'm struggling again is that Carter is approaching his first birthday. With that comes weaning, which I feel like I'm okay with, but I guess deep down I'm not quite ready. It also means Carter will be moving to a new classroom. In January he will officially be in the one-year-old room. I will be handing him over from the teacher in the infant room (who I adore and chose his daycare partially because I loved her so much) to the one-year-old teacher who I don't know very well. When I think about it I guess that's a lot to be getting emotional about. Add in Carter transitioning to the one-year-old schedule which means taking a nap at noon and sleeping during my lunchtime and it equals one big ball of emotions. Can you blame me? My co-teacher explained to me that each time it gets easier your children reach a new milestone and become a bit more independent and you start all over with adjusting. Her daughter is approaching 16 and she's anxious and sad about her daughter learning to drive and not being home as much. I guess it never ends, huh?
Yesterday I was ready to throw in the towel. To sit down with our budget and figure out how in the world be could pay our mortgage, bills, and necessities with half of our current income and then hope to add another baby into the mix in the coming years. But when it comes down to it I am able to provide Carter with amazing care during the day, one-on-one attention at night, and opportunities we couldn't afford on one income. Staying home after baby #2 is something we've been kicking around for a long time. There's just no perfect answer. There never will be. We just have to make the decision that is best for our family. Right now being a working mom is what's best for our family.
When I got to Carter's daycare at lunchtime I was shocked to see he was awake! Little man must have known that mommy needed him. Needed his snuggles. Needed to be reminded that as long as he is healthy and safe, nothing else matters. I love that little boy so much. That's what makes it so hard.
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| Little mister nursed and then fell asleep at lunchtime. |
And you match colors. :)
ReplyDeleteBlue is a good color for our whole family!
DeleteAw! My heart goes out to you! I would go through stages of depression when I was pregnant with Liam and thought I wouldn't be able to quit my job. But it IS possible! Whether now, or after the second baby, it CAN work. I promise! We lived off one salary from the get-go, just because we could and we wanted to bulk up savings, pay off Rob's car, start retirement, etc. It made it less of a drastic lifestyle adjustment when we lost that "safety" income. Maybe if you can start "practicing" living off of one salary now? (Or get as close to it as you can.) It might give you some peace of mind knowing it is possible. :) But either way, it's obvious that you are a great teacher, a great mom, and that Carter adores you. In my opinion, doing what you see as best for your baby and family is THE most important thing you can do!
ReplyDeleteThat's so true! We talked about me taking a leave of absence for a year after baby #2 is born so we can try out one salary and see how it goes but still have the safety of a job if we needed me to go back. It's just so hard because then I lose 6 years toward retirement that I've already paid in and will have less money in savings. There are just so many different factors to think about, it makes my head spin!
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