Change in Heart

During the summer I finally started to get back to my old running shape and was hitting my pre-baby times and paces.  Running felt so good and I loved how it felt to run fast and feel strong.  I love the feeling of running hard and flying around a corner.  Pushing the stroller, flying around turns made me feel even stronger and faster.  I was back in love with running.

The faster I go, the more Carter kicks his legs and squeals!

I ran all through pregnancy, keeping up with 4-5 runs per week.  I was dedicated and did it because I knew it was good for me, good for baby, and when I didn't I woke in the middle of the night with crazy painful cramps in my calves.  During those 9 months I started to forget what was so amazing about running.  I felt fat, slow, and uncomfortable.  Then came running post-baby.  I started to slowly remember what running used to feel like.  Feeling happy, strong, comfortable, and like I could go forever.  But it was a slow process.  I was most shocked by the fact that I wasn't much faster starting out than I had been when pregnant.  Granted I was now running with a stroller, but I still expected to be more like 9-9:30 pace.  I was caught off guard when I was still running 10:00 pace.

It took quite a while for me to get back to my old running self.  The one who got antsy to get out the door for a run.  The one who ran 6 miles instead of 4 just because I felt good.  The one whose favorite workouts were long runs and speed work.  But I got there and man did it feel good.  I appreciated all the small victorys and 10 second postpartum PRs than I ever would have before.  I was just excited for it to feel good again.

Once I got back there it was hard to think of giving that up again.  How could I let go of this amazing, euphoric running and go back to the slow, waddling, stopping for potty breaks a mile in running?  I was training for a half-marathon and was so worried we would end up accidentally getting pregnant before I got to run the race and put my training to the test, but that didn't happen.  I ran the Prairie Fire Half-Marathon and I was pleased with my time, but the race also set a fire under me to try to run a better time.  I was even farther from being able to let go of running because I wanted to get faster.

Then came the Jenks Half-Marathon.  I was able to run a postpartum PR, only 5 minutes slower than my half-marathon PR!  After that race I was content.  It was the strangest feeling.  Last week as I ran slow, easy recovery runs, I felt it.  I'm okay with giving up running again.  If we got pregnant right now I wouldn't mind going back to the slow penguin waddle.  I don't know if it's because I ran those half-marathons and feel good about what I've accomplished or what, but it's nice to know I wouldn't be disappointed to be slow again.  It's amazing the difference a month makes.

Today I ran some half mile repeats and I'm not gonna lie, it felt awesome!  I'm still loving running fast and hard, but I'd be okay giving it up too.  I'm not saying we're planning on growing our family anytime soon.  It's just that my feet and my heart are ready.  It comes down to waiting on my mind and the timing.  I'm ready to give up running, but I'm not ready to give up one-on-one time with Carter.

Wild hair after our run this evening.

I was inspired to write about this by a blog friend's post.  After reading her post I wanted to put into words my sudden shift in feeling toward being pregnant again and the effect it would have on my running.

Why hello!

Speaking of Move it Monday, Carter was all about moving it today!  After waiting for 11 months he's on the fast track toward crawling!  This weekend he sat up in his crib.  He did it again this morning.  He was army crawling this weekend, but it was also mixed with rolling and scooting.  Today he was predominately moving by army crawling.  Then this evening he was crawling, but instead of moving one knee forward at a time he was lifting both knees at the same time and doing something that looked like a bunny hop.  It was so hilarious.  Ty and I were both in such awe, staring at him and willing him to crawl that we didn't think to get it on video!  Hopefully he does it again tomorrow!

Taking a break in between army crawling to me.

Linking up with Ashley for Move it Monday!