My Heart Somehow Prepares Me

We have a pass to the Children's Museum and have gone numerous times.  Carter's favorite part is the giant tape tunnel that winds upward toward the ceiling and culminates in a giant slide at the end.  Our experience on the tunnel has changed a little bit each time we've gone.  Our first trip Carter wasn't walking yet so he'd either crawl through the tunnel or walk holding onto my hands.  Then he moved on to walking mostly by himself with just a little bit of help from me.  Eventually he got to where he could walk by himself and just wanted me walking along behind him to feel safe.  During our last trip I attempted letting him go through the tape tunnel himself.  He ended up making it a little bit through the tunnel before realizing I wasn't with him, sitting down and crying until I went in and retrieved him.  He just wasn't independent enough or ready to do it alone.

On Wednesday when we arrived at the Children's Museum Carter very excitedly took off running for the entrance to the tape tunnel.  I had to chase after him to take his shoes off before he got inside.  Then he headed up into the tunnel without even looking back to see if I was there.  I walked along to the side of the tunnel and watched him to make sure he was okay.  He made it all the way to the end where you turn the corner and go down the slide and then sat and cried while yelling for me.  Once I got his attention and he saw where I was, he took off toward the slide and we met at the bottom.  During the rest of the trip I walked where I could see him in the tunnel and he'd occasionally stop and yell mommy.  I'd yell back, he'd see me, and then he'd head on.  It was so exciting to watch him do it all by himself.  He was so independent, so sure of himself, so fast!

When Carter was younger and we'd walk through the tape tunnel together I would see the toddlers walking through by themselves and I would wonder.  I would wonder if their parents were sad they no longer needed help.  I would wonder if it was hard to stand by and watch your child explore alone.  I would wonder if I'd ever be ready to step back and not be right there with Carter.  My heart felt heavy at the thought of not always being right there with him, holding his hand, hearing his every breath.  But today I felt nothing but excitement and pride.  My son was independent because I allowed him to be.  My son was able to climb through the tunnel because we had practiced together.  My son is growing and learning and that's the most important part of my role, fostering his growth, learning, and independence.  Well, that and surrounding him with love.  As much as I love being right there holding his hand, hearing his every breath, watching him achieve something all by himself was even more rewarding.

I am continually amazed at how my heart is always somehow prepared for that next step.  In the moment I'm always worried that I'll struggle when Carter hits this stage or that stage, that I won't be ready to move on.  But I always am.  Even thinking about him going off to school is enough to bring tears to my eyes.  Yet I know when the time comes I'll be ready.  Somehow I find myself always content with how things are.  I'm not looking back with longing, wishing to revisit a stage.  I'm not looking forward with anticipation, wishing we could reach that milestone already.  I'm just here.  I'm with Carter in this moment.  I'm supporting him with what he needs right now.  And I'm so thankful for that!  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be ready to give up the infant/toddler stage because I love it so much.  Sometimes I worry I'll be one of those people who keeps having kids because I have a need for babies to be around.  But them I'm reminded that my heart will change when I'm ready.  When it's time.  I have a need to have babies around because that's the stage of life I'm in right now and soon enough that will change.