A Little Perspective

Yesterday was a challenging day for me. It wasn't exactly what was happening but how I was reacting to things that was causing problems. Our morning started off well and then Carter hid behind a chair and I could tell he was going to poop so I tried to get him to come out so he could get on the potty chair. He wouldn't come on his own will and by the time I got to him he'd already gone. It made me mad. Way more mad than it should have. Yes, he knew he had to go. Yes, he knew where to go. Yes, he chose to poop in his pants for whatever reason. But I shouldn't have been so mad. I was mad enough I wanted to spank him just because I was angry. So I cleaned him up and left the room. Sure it was an annoying and frustrating situation but I could've reacted differently. For some reason I just couldn't shake the anger. Even the sound of Carter laughing didn't fully clear it up.

Then I stupidly ran the shop vac while Elise was napping and woke her up 2 hours earlier than usual which resulted in her crying for quite a while. I got her calmed down but she just couldn't fall back to sleep. So I decided to cut our losses and go to the park for a run and then to play. Carter pottied before we headed out on our run and then when we got back about 30 minutes later and I started to get him out of the stroller to go to the bathroom I discovered he'd pottied on our run. I was frustrated but chalked that one up to an accident since he was strapped in the stroller. I had him go again in the bathroom and he was able to go quite a bit more. But then on the playground I was pushing him on the swing and when I went to pull him out he'd pottied his pants again. We packed up and headed home. 

Ready for a run.

Naptime arrived and Elise was so overtired she couldn't fall asleep and Carter decided he wanted to talk and play rather than sleep. I ended up taking Elise into my bed and laying with her. I got up when she finally fell asleep but she woke up less than an hour later screaming. The poor baby was so overtired and I knew it was my fault, but gosh darn it I just wanted her to sleep. Not just so I could get things done but also because I didn't want her to be miserable. Carter finally fell asleep after fussing and talking in his room and a good amount of calling for me about an hour and a half after I put him down. I felt stressed out about Elise being overtired and Carter not going to sleep. I knew I needed to find my calm but for some reason I just couldn't. 

Trying to help Elise fall asleep, it didn't work!

Carter woke up and we played for a while before heading in to make dinner. I had the pizza crust all made and ready before I realized I had forgotten to put mozzarella cheese on the grocery list and therefore didn't buy any. By that point I was getting hangry. I called Ty who was happy to pick some up on his way home but that meant dinner would be about 20 minutes later than planned. I should have just eaten a snack because I was so hungry! Ty arrived with the cheese and I got the pizza in the oven. It should have been time to chill and play with Carter for a little bit but as I walked in to play with him, he informed me he had pooped his pants. That anger from earlier resurfaced and I had a hard time keeping my cool. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I cleaned him up and told him to sit in the reading chair until I came to get him for dinner because I was upset. I was tempted to just throw in the towel and go back to diapers at that point. I hope there are still some hormonal imbalances working themselves out in my body because I became a mess. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I was upset Carter was having so many on purpose accidents, I was upset with how I reacted to the situation, I was upset I couldn't get control of my emotions, I was upset Elise was so tired and fussy because of my dumb mistake. Then the thought creeped into my head. A thought I've heard other stay at home moms who used to work say numerous times, but I had never had. "I wish I were at work today." It was the first day of school. I love the first day of school. The excitement in the air. The smell of brand new crayons. The eagerness of the students to learn. The huge smiles and hugs from students new and old. The promise of a year to get to know 25 new and wonderful children. I don't miss it because I know the work that goes into preparing for that first day. The summer months stolen away by classroom prep, lesson planning, and marerial creation. I know how much work it takes but I wished just for a moment to somehow skip all of that and just be there in that first day of school world rather than this baby crying, toddler pooping one I was in. Of course, that thought made me feel guilty which made me feel even worse. 

Ty took Carter in to play in the living room after dinner so I could finish eating. Elise was already in bed so I had a moment to myself. As I ate I pulled up timehop on my phone. And there it was, just what I needed, a little perspective. There was a picture of Carter 2 years ago. His sweet face was covered in a rash which we later found out was 5th disease. 2 years ago had also been the first day of school. Although that year I had been teaching. I had to take Carter to daycare and drop him off even though he wasn't feeling very good. I didn't get to stay home with my sick boy. Instead I had to leave him in the care of someone else. On that day I arrived at work and cried in my classroom until my students arrived. That picture reminded me that no matter how hard of a day I have it beats what I had before a million times over! Being home with my children challenging me is so much better than being at work longing to be with my baby!

Poor sick Carter 2 years ago!

And today has been much better, only one potty accident or "on purpose" for Carter!