After a busy weekend, which included a friend's birthday party yesterday, and less sleep than usual Carter was extra fussy on Monday morning. He requested I leave sissy in her room when she woke up crying. So sad and not the typical sweet big brother who cries out to me, "Get sissy!" the moment she makes a peep. I made us smoothies to go with lunch and Carter polished his off while I started getting the rest of lunch ready. I had carrots cut up and then asked him if he wanted a sandwich or a wrap. Instead of answering me he just started crying. I picked him up and asked him what was wrong. He responded, "I'm too tired to eat lunch. Go sleep." So I carried him off to bed and laid him down. Then I proceeded to make my wrap and sit alone at our table eating by myself. Elise had gone down for a nap quite a while before. So there I was crunching carrots in silence. I missed Carter. He normally chats with me at lunch and makes up silly stories. He'll tell me some strange story about a squirrel or a fox and then laugh as he says, just joking. Other days he recaps our day or tells me all about conversations he had at the playground with friends he made. I always took it for granted and never really thought about how lucky I was to have that time to talk with him. Sitting there without it I was lonely. That same thought popped back up in my mind, some day they won't need you. I sat there and choked down tears. Some day these precious babies won't need me. Eventually Carter will stop telling me everything that goes on in his life. He'll turn into a teenage boy which from my experience means he'll share very few thoughts and feelings with anyone, especially his mom. Funny how the thought that brought me comfort just days before was a thought that nearly brought me to tears today. Sometimes being a parent makes me a walking contradiction. What I do know is true is that some day my children won't need me in the ways they do now. Hopefully when we get to that point their independence will be freeing to me. For now I need to hold onto that as a reminder to appreciate the challenges them constantly needing me causes.
|This is the look she gives me when I go in to get her after she's woken from a nap.|
|This is the look I get just for looking at her.|