As the birth of your sister approaches I am thinking of so many things. I think of what I want to tell you, what I wish you could understand, what I hope for our lives once a new baby arrives. You are the sweetest boy and I love you so. You have always been so snuggly. Honest to goodness you would still nap in my arms if I let you. The best feeling is when I pick you up and you snuggle down into me with your head in the crook of my neck and your hand wrapped in my hair. I just can't get enough of you. The way you smell, the way your body feels in my arms, the sound of your voice, the way your eyes light up when you smile, how your hair looks all wild when you wake up from a nap. In so many ways you are still my baby, wanting to be held, calling for me, wrapping your tiny hands around mine. But you are definitely a toddler, growing up so quickly, demanding independence while at the same time screaming for my help. As much as I hate you growing bigger because I know eventually you won't fit in my arms, I love you growing up. We have conversations. You make me laugh. You try to blame your poop smell on anyone else in order to escape a diaper change. You are my beloved baby, my first child. You made me a mom and for that I will always be grateful. The beginning of your life was the start of a new life for me. One that is rewarding and fulfilling in more ways than I ever could have imagined.
|You are such a sweet, sweet snuggle bug!|
When your sister arrives none of that will change. The amount of time I have to devote to you will change as I will no longer be taking care of just you. It pains me to think of you feeling left out or unloved. Part of me has struggled with the thought of having another child for this very reason. I want to always be able to pour my whole self into you because you are amazing and perfect and you deserve it. But then this other part of me wants to give you a sibling for the exact same reasons, you are amazing and perfect and you deserve it. Having my brothers to grow up with was and always will be the best gift my parents ever gave me. There was never a day I wished I was an only child. Although there were days I wished for a third sibling so I could have a sister! They were my best friends, my constant companions, and I loved and still do love them more than you can love a friend you choose on your own. We are connected. We are a part of each other. Some of that comes from similar genetics. Some of it comes from spending our childhood together. Some of it is simply being brother and sister. When I think of you having that special relationship with Elise, I get tears in my eyes. I want for you to feel the love of a brother. To enjoy the love she will also give to you. It's a wonderful thing. I know in the beginning it will be hard. She will be needy and will get a lot of attention. Attention that you are used to getting. You get A LOT of attention being the only grandchild on both sides and the only niece or nephew on my side. You are a bit spoiled and I know it. But I also know you are resilient and easy going and after some time you will roll with it.
Carter, I've come to find a mother's love is something that can't be described. It is different than any other kind of love that one can receive or feel. I wouldn't say I love you any more or any less than I love your daddy, but I love you in a completely different way. You are both essential elements to my life. Pieces that if taken away I can't imagine how my life would go on. No matter what, you are both at the very center of my beating heart. You are loved and treasured and appreciated so deeply. We will be adding another element to the center of my heart when Elise arrives and I am so excited. I already love her so much and I know you will love her too!