We All Make Mistakes

When we were at my parents' house for the Starry Night 5k a few weeks ago I got up with the kids on Sunday morning. I tried to get them outside and quiet so everyone else could sleep in. My dad got up and went out to get their pool set up so I headed out front to get their swimsuits out of the car. I couldn't find Carter's swim top so I had the kids up on the porch while I searched the car. My parents don't have a driveway so you park in the street. As I searched I would take frequent breaks, less than 30 seconds apart, to look over and check on the kids. It took forever to find Carter's shirt because I'd look over and Elise was climbing down the stairs, so I'd go over and help her. Then she was climbing up the stairs so I went over to help her again. Carter was just sitting on the porch swing doing his thing. Then I looked over and didn't see Elise. I panicked and immediately ran around to the other side of the car. There Elise was standing at the other sliding door of the car. It was a terrifying moment for me, finding my child in the street. Granted she was right against the car and not walking out into the street but she was in the street none the less. I picked her up as the fear and doom slowly started to fade out of my chest and I felt tears beading up in my eyes. Then I heard the voices. Our neighbors across the street were sitting on their porch and had seen Elise out in the street and got scared too. I said, "Oh my goodness, so scary. I just looked away for a second," as I quickly headed back toward the house with her. I heard them talking amongst themselves about how so-and-so has 4 kids and takes them everywhere and they don't know how she does it. I know they weren't necessarily judging me, but it sounded a little bit like it.

Later that day I joked that there's nothing like having an audience when you have a bad mommy moment. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like it wasn't a bad mommy moment. It was a mistake, an accident, and one that luckily for me ended safely. I shouldn't have had Elise outside without having my eyes on her every second and I won't do it again until she's old enough to understand how dangerous streets are. But as a parent I was juggling more than just her safety. I was trying to keep Carter safe by having a swim shirt that would protect him from the sun, I was trying to protect Elise by having her where I could see her rather than in the house where she could fall down the stairs, I was trying to be a respectful guest by not letting my children wake others, I wanted to be a supportive wife and allow my husband to sleep. On top of that I was exhausted from staying up late the night before (due to the race) and getting up early that morning (thanks to the kids). That's the thing as a parent, it's never just one thing. It's never as simple as, the parents should have been paying better attention. I looked away for less than 30 seconds and I honestly didn't think Elise could make it that far in a such a short amount of time. I guess I also assumed she would come to me or she would walk near where I was so I could hear her. It never crossed my mind she would have walked out into the street or I never would have put her in that position.

I know that if things had ended differently, if she had walked out farther into the street and a car had been driving by, she would be gone. I would never see her again. As a parent that is the most terrifying thought I could ever have. I could have made a mistake that would have resulted in the death of my child. All of you who read my blog have an idea of how much I love my children. How much pride I take in being the best mom I can be. How hard I try to get it right every minute of every day. But no one is perfect. We all have and will make mistakes. Lucky for me and for most people, the mistakes we make don't result in the death of our child(ren). But at times they do. When I hear news stories of parents who have made mistakes that put their child in serious danger or resulted in their death, my heart breaks for those parents. It would be the absolute worst moment of their lives. When those stories become national news I'm sad that people don't have the decency to respect the grieving family in such a horrendous moment in their lives. Instead I hear and read comments condemning the parents and putting the parents down. Then I begin to wonder, especially when those people are parents themselves, have you never made a mistake? How can you spend a considerable amount of time with your child and never make a mistake or find yourself in a scary situation that could have turned out far worse? I think it is a natural reaction to think, how could this happen? But then I am immediately reminded of the mistakes I have made, the moments I have inadvertently put my children's lives in danger. When Carter was a baby I set him in a laundry basket while I was getting the house ready for guests and the basket tipped over and he fell out. When Elise was a few months old, we were out and about and she fell asleep nursing so I set her in her car seat without buckling it all the way (I just buckled the chest strap) so I wouldn't wake her. I planned to fully strap her in when we went to leave but forgot. I arrived home and she was in her car seat but not fully strapped in. In each of those instances I was exhausted and not thinking clearly. Stuff happens, we make mistakes.

Had things ended differently that day a few weeks ago or any of the moments I mentioned, people would be all over the internet shaming me and calling me out as a bad mother. Instead, the few people who know of the accidents have told me: it could happen to anyone, it was a mistake. Why can't we have the same kind of reaction to those parents whose stories end in tragedy? Are we so much better than them just because our mistakes ended in a more positive light? Or is it because we don't know them and we don't know the full story that we feel entitled to judge? I feel great sadness and pain for parents who lose their children in any kind of circumstance and I think losing your child in a circumstance that could have been prevented would be completely devastating. I would like to offer hope to those families by sharing my understanding and acknowledging that we all make mistakes. Instead of making them feel worse in a time that is most definitely the darkest of their lives, I would like to extend love and understanding rather than adding to their mountain of despair. I hope you can too.