Are You Having Another One?

That's a question I get asked a lot. And one that I really can't answer right now. Some days I answer with, "Probably not." Other days I say, "I'm not sure." Other times it's, "Maybe, we'll see." My heart flip flops on a seemingly weekly basis. I have moments where I'm so ready to call this family of four complete. Then there are moments where I feel like my life isn't complete if I don't experience pregnancy one more time, if I don't deliver another baby, if I never hold a newborn on my chest again. Maybe it's normal, maybe it's not, I don't know. I talk to friends who say they just knew they were done when they were pregnant or after their last child was born or just one day they woke up and they knew. I'm still waiting for that day to come when I just know. Some days I wake up and I'm like, okay today's the day, it finally hit me, I'm done. Then a few days later I wake up and I'm like, okay just kidding. It's hard for me. Partly because I'm all emotional about it and the for sureness is nice and then it fades away and it's confusing. And partly because I'm a huge planner. I like to know what the future holds. I headed off for college knowing exactly what I wanted to do and had known since first grade with a sureness that resonated within my soul. When Ty and I were dating I just knew he was my forever partner. I tend to "just know" things. I feel them. I am sure of them. I don't second guess or question very often. But this baby thing, it's throwing me for a loop. There are so many things to think about. So much to consider. But yet this isn't one of those brain vs. heart situations. It's not that in my mind I want 2 but my heart wants 3. My heart is what's flip flopping. That's what's throwing me for a loop. I usually follow my heart and my heart is being all crazy!

Doesn't this family of four look so perfect?

There's the logical aspect of things that makes me feel like 2 kids is the perfect number for us. We have one of each, a boy and a girl. How perfect was that? How lucky are we? We get to experience each gender and enjoy the differences and challenges that come with each. Two seems like it would be so much easier. Less money, less worry, less fighting. Handling both the kids on my own has become a breeze (for the most part). Then there's the aspect of me going back to work. If I go back to work within the next 5 years, I just renewed my teaching certificate this past summer so I wouldn't have to worry about trying to jump through hoops to renew it with no teaching experience in the years leading up to renewal. Plus I miss it. I loved my job and I love what I do now. Our current situation is exactly what I need, but I do look forward to the day where I will step foot in a classroom again to teach. It is my passion. It is something I love to do. I am also reminded of the heartbreak of miscarriage. Am I willing to feel that pain again if we try for another and things don't work out?

But then I see other pregnant women and I yearn for that to be me again some day. Not right now, but some day. I see that round belly and remember those sweet kicks and hiccups. I think of the ultrasounds and the weeks leading up to baby's arrival and how exciting it all is. I remember the feel of pushing the last part of the baby out and then holding a newborn on my chest. It is the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. I watch Carter and Elise play side by side. I see them tug of war over toys. I watch them share. I see their love. I wonder what that would be like times three. I wonder whether we would have another boy or another girl. I imagine holding a precious baby in my arms as it sleeps. I picture nursing again. I imagine their lives growing up together. There is so much of me that still yearns for that. But there's also this part of me that wants to have some time just me and Elise to soak up her precious personality and give her the one-on-one love I was able to give to Carter when he was little. I love the idea of a couple years home, just me and Elise during the days while Carter is in school. I would love that.

Just seeing these newborn pictures makes me want to do it all again.

 

I mean who doesn't want to look like this, haha!

Those chest snuggles are the best thing in the world!

 

 

 

So to answer the question, are you having another one? I guess the best answer I can give is, I don't know. I lean one way one day and the other way the next. Ty is saddled up right in the middle of 2 is great, I'm loving this, why add more, but I'll do it if you want to. I know in time my heart will come around. At some point I'll find an answer that satisfies me every day and not just some of the time. Until then, I just don't know.