Carter School Update

My last update about Carter at school was after his second week of school. Going into school I was worried about how he would do with his physical behavior. When Carter was about a year and a half old I started noticing some rough behavior with him. He would slap his friends occasionally when he was playing. I even wrote a whole post about it here. When it first started happening I felt he was too young for spanking and I also felt like hitting him in response to him hitting someone else didn't make sense so we dealt with it using time outs. After Elise was born we saw a huge spike in the behavior and time outs just weren't an effective consequence for him. I had a day where I felt like a complete failure, read about it here, and decided it was time to get some help. I discussed Carter's behavior with a school psychologist and the decision was made that we would spank him immediately following an incident. I would pull him to the side and spank him. Then we'd discuss what happened. I always started off with, "It is NEVER okay to hit." Then we'd talk about what happened, how he felt, and what he should have done differently. Spanking decreased the frequency of the behavior but did not eliminate it like I was hoping it would eventually do. I then added the consequence that when he hit we would leave and go home. So he would get spanked, we'd talk it over, and then we'd go home. That decreased the frequency even more but still did not eradicate it. I did notice that he tended to have more issues when we were in bigger groups. Typically he would struggle when we were at a playdate with 10 or more children or at the Children's Museum when there was a field trip so lots of kids. The louder the space, the more likely it was that Carter would have issues.

Carter the day we had our first slapping incident at about 19 months old.

After Carter's third birthday we started talking about putting him in preschool half days just a couple days a week the following school year to prepare him for full day preschool the next year and to help him adjust to large groups of children. I was nervous about being away from him and anxious about how he would do behavior-wise. I felt like we had a pretty decent handle on the hitting situation although he still had incidents from time to time, but I was worried a classroom setting would cause the incidents to flare back up. The first two weeks Carter did great. His teacher greeted me every day just gushing over how smart he was and how well he was doing. Then the first day of the third week he was walked out to my car by the school director. I was a bit surprised she was walking students out and was caught off guard when she told me he had a rough day. He had been sent to her office after hitting and kicking in class. I was devastated. After two great weeks I was starting to believe maybe he wouldn't have any trouble at school, maybe having all kids around his same age made things easier for him. Maybe there was something about the way I handled the situations that made him more likely to hit when I was around. But here we were with an incident at school. I spanked him when we got home since that was typically his consequence for hitting but felt it was ineffective. He didn't seem more remorseful after the spanking or less likely to hit again. I decided in order to be proactive I would let Carter choose a special treat before school. Then I would give him the treat when I picked him up if he had a good day. He went back to school and did great for a few days. But then he had another incident. His teacher said he had gotten overly excited and turned and punched someone, she said it was out of excitement and not out of anger and didn't leave a mark. I didn't get too worried about that incident since she downplayed it so much. I just reviewed with Carter what he learned from Daniel Tiger, when you get excited you take a deep breath, squeeze (your arms around your chest like you are hugging yourself), and let it go.

I called my brother, a school psychologist, to get his take on the issue. He suggested writing a social story for Carter and reading it to him every day before he went to school. I was kicking myself for not having thought of that already. I first learned about social stories during my second year teaching when I had a student diagnosed with autism in my class. I went on to use them regularly in my classroom to help students with all types of issues. Carter loves books so it seemed like the perfect tool to help him learn appropriate behavior. I wrote a book for Carter called, "When I Go to School". Weeks went by and I got nothing but great reports. Carter was excited to tell me about his days and talked about how much he loved school.

Then a couple weeks ago Carter was walked out to my car by the director once again and I felt the tears well up in my eyes. She said he had kicked and slapped a girl in the face. I was at a loss for what to do and felt hopeless. In school I was always the teacher's pet. I hated being in trouble and always have. I hated it so much I would get upset when other kids would get in trouble. I've always been very sensitive. So to have my son continually getting in trouble at school was extremely hard for me. I felt like I was in trouble too and I felt like I was failing him. Ty kept brushing it off saying it was a phase, but each incident ruined my entire day. I would get so depressed when I got bad news from school and just couldn't shake it. This behavior is something I have been working really hard on eradicating for almost 3 years now and it's exhausting. It sucks to have to pack up and leave a playdate only 15 minutes after arriving because Carter chooses to use his body instead of his words to solve a problem. It sucks to have to strap Elise into her car seat screaming because she wanted to play with her friends, but she now has to go home because he brother hurt someone. I called my brother again, this time in tears, and discussed it with him. I am always amazed at his ability to leave me feeling hopeful. He is an amazing asset to the teachers, parents, and students at the school district he serves. Each time I would call him feeling like crawling into a cave and giving up and when I'd get off the phone I'd have this feeling that I could conquer it. That no matter how long and how hard it would be, it would be worth it because it was the best thing for Carter. I really can't begin to describe how much that has meant to me.

I read the book with Carter and then we sat down and discussed rewards for appropriate behavior at school. We made a list and attached it to the book with paper clips so I could pull the list off after reading him the book and he could pick out a reward for that day. I'd make sure I was ready with the reward when I picked him up.

I knew I needed to set up a meeting with Carter's teachers and the school director. I asked Thomas if he would be able to come and offer suggestions and he was awesome enough to clear his schedule so he could be there. I wanted to discuss Carter's behavior and possible options we had for behavior management. I also decided to write another social story for Carter titled "When We Play With Friends." I started reading "When We Play With Friends" to him every morning before we headed out for playdates as well as before going to school in hopes that consistency from day-to-day regardless of where he was going would help. Then maybe his success on playdates with me when his adult to child ratio was 1:2 or 1:3 would transfer to his school ratio which tends to be more like 1:6.

I wrote this one right after we got home from the slapping incident when I was upset so that's why there are writing mistakes and I went back and forth from you and we as the subject. I've been tempted to re-write it but I know Carter can't read the words so I just fix them as I read it aloud.

We had our meeting before school on November 1st. I left feeling uplifted. His teacher and the school director were so sweet and awesome. They said numerous times that they want to work with Carter and help him succeed this year so he can go on and be successful in preschool no matter where he goes. I was so impressed. I heard from many of my friends that their schools have policies on physical behavior where it's 3 strikes and you're out, meaning the child gets kicked out of the program. To me pulling Carter from preschool this year when he's only going 2.5 hours 2 days a week would just lead to a more difficult transition next year when he will most likely be in a full day 3-5 day a week program. I was so relieved to hear them voicing those same concerns! We decided if Carter has an incident that requires him to be sent to the director's office, I would be called and he would have to talk to me on the phone about what happened. Then he would have to sit out for part of his playground time. We found by looking at all the incident reports he typically had issues between 11-12 which is the last section of the day before I pick him up at noon and tends to be either playground or gym time. He only had one incident in the classroom and that was the excited punch. All the others had occurred in that time frame when activities are less structured. I hadn't been notified of all the physical behavior issues they had, just the ones that required him to be sent to the director. I was a bit overwhelmed when I saw how many incident reports there were beyond what I had been notified of. I was definitely glad we had decided to meet!

I was a little worried leaving school after the meeting because I could tell Carter was exhausted. He had been up late the night before trick-or-treating and then woke up at 6:15 when my alarm went off and couldn't fall back to sleep. I thought about keeping him home that day but was worried having 6 days between school days would be just as detrimental as most of his incidents occurred on Tuesdays meaning he had just been home for 4 days before returning to school. I made the wrong decision and got the call as Elise and I were leaving to pick him up that he had hit someone in music class. When I talked to him on the phone he couldn't tell me why he had done it, just that he was really tired. After picking him up we drove over and watched his friends playing on the playground so he understood if he had been kept his hands, feet, and objects to himself at school he would be playing on the playground instead of sitting in the car. I told the director I felt like rather than calling me and missing out on some playground time, if Carter had an incident they should call me and I would come pick him up. He loves school and wants to be there. I've tried explaining to him that if he continues to hurt his friends he won't be able to go to school because it is his teacher's job to keep everyone safe at school. He was so worried, continuously asking me if he was going to be kicked out of school. I am hopeful that if he hits and is immediately removed from school he will start to stop for a second to think before he immediately reacts.

Friday we went to the Children's Museum and almost turned around and left when we saw 3 school buses parked there meaning there was a field trip. But I knew the school kids wouldn't be allowed to play in the toddler area so I decided to go ahead and go in since Carter had been excited to go all morning. Before we left we read his "When We Play With Friends" book and discussed what would happen if he didn't keep his hands, feet, and objects to himself. We hadn't been there but maybe 15 minutes before a girl ran by and took a toy car Carter was playing with. Then he went over to play with something else and she ran over and pushed him. He didn't take a second to think, he immediately turned and started slapping her. I removed him from the situation, spanked him, discussed what happened with him, and then we left. Elise was beside herself at having to leave the tape tunnel and was freaking out in the car. I was having an internal battle with myself. Yes, his consequence was to leave but did it have to mean we went home? Maybe we could stop at a library which would be a quieter, less busy area and try again. I couldn't decide if that was a good idea or not. I wanted him to have another opportunity to show me he could make better choices but I also didn't want to reward bad behavior. I felt maybe leaving the Children's Museum was consequence enough, it wasn't like we would go home and just sit in time out since he had hit. We would play at home and then he would be in an isolated situation with no one but Elise to interact with. I finally decided to give him another chance at the library. I was so glad I did because I actually got to see him succeed. He was playing and a girl walked over and slapped his toys out of his hands. I was amazed when I saw him actually stop and think rather than immediately react. He chose to walk away. Later she was following him around telling him a toy he had described as a tomato (and really was a tomato) was an apple. I could tell he was irritated and kept telling her it was a tomato. I reminded him to ignore her and he did successfully and she eventually went away! I was so pleased with his behavior and was so glad I had given him the opportunity to succeed. I think removing him from the situation at the Children's Museum had it's intended effect and helped him control his behavior in a quieter, less busy setting. I am hoping that with continued work and consistency from school to home, Carter will eventually be able to think before he acts and be less impulsive with his behavior. So far he hasn't had another incident at school! If you have any suggestions that may help us on our way, I would be happy to give them a try. I'm mostly talking to you, Sara, BCBA!

Carter playing nicely at the library.