Thanks for the Reminder

One thing about being a working mom was that it forced me to make the most of every moment. When I was with Carter he was my only focus and I dropped everything to play with him. Each moment I had with him was a gift and I cherished it. Every once in a while now I get caught up in cleaning house, doing yard work, folding laundry, and being active. I just forget to slow down. I keep us busy with morning play dates and activities so when nap time rolls around I lay the kids down and rush off to get to business. Normally I do all the cleaning during naptime but with a play date at our house this morning I raked leaves yesterday after naps and vacuumed the house this morning. I was so focused on having the house really clean and tidy that I lost focus on what the purpose of the play date was, for Carter to have fun! Carter had a blast this morning and then came nap time. I laid him down and left per usual but heard him talking in his room and when I went in he asked me to read a book so I did. Later I walked by and heard him making noise only to find him on the floor playing. He asked me to lay with him so I did. I laid there until he fell asleep and then I started to get up. As I did Carter reached over in his sleep and grabbed my hand. I looked at him and was reminded to slow down. To enjoy every moment, even the little ones. I laid there watching him sleep, holding his hand, feeling his pulse, listening to him suck his thumb in his sleep and I was reminded. Moments like that are what life is all about. So thank you Carter for reminding me to slow down, to appreciate all the little moments. Who cares if I don't get the windows cleaned until tomorrow, I held my baby's hand while he was sleeping. It's a gift that I can now do that. A moment I would have missed before. It reminded me to be thankful for every moment, every day, every conversation. When I was finally getting up after watching Carter sleep I heard Elise wake up in her room. Instead of feeling frustration that I wouldn't get to complete any chores during naptime, I felt excitement that I would get to spend some one-on-one time with her. Why is it that children have to remind us what is important in life?

The Real Worth of a Stay-at-Home Parent

One night while scrolling through my facebook feed as Elise nursed, a headline of a story someone posted jumped out at me.  It read "Husband Says He Can't Afford His Wife As A Stay-at-Home Mom And His Reasoning Adds Up.  Big Time."  I was curious and clicked on the link to read more.  As I read along I started to get frustrated.  While the man obviously meant well and his intention was to make his wife feel valued, as a stay-at-home mom I just couldn't agree with what he was saying.  Typically I keep these thoughts to myself or just voice them to Ty, but this time I felt like writing about it.  So here we go.

The article started out with this quote, “With childcare costs it would’ve been a wash with her income at best. So we decided that she would stay home as long as it made sense.”  I completely agreed with this comment.  Having 2 kids in childcare would have cost us nearly my entire income, so we were in the same situation.  But then he went on to describe all the services his wife provides as a stay-at-home mom and how much those services would cost if you hired someone.  He lists a cleaning service, a personal shopper, a chef, a financial assistant, and a laundry service.  That's when I got irritated.  It wasn't the first time I've heard someone make the argument that stay-at-home moms/parents wear all of those hats.  But let's get real.  I may make breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but it is by no means an elaborate, delicious meal people would happily pay big bucks for in a restaurant.  I make tasty, easy, healthy meals.  I'm sure the meals I make are similar to those made by most stay-at-home parents, excluding those who were previously chefs (although I'm sure even then they wouldn't cook the kind of food for their families that they did as a chef).  Comparing the meals I make to something a chef would make is simply insulting to the chef.  I think the average person reading such an article would agree and therefore the whole credibility of the article is immediately lost.  The same point can be made for all of those supposed jobs a stay-at-home parent does.

Then I started thinking about my time as a working mom.  As a working mom I still did all of those things he listed as jobs of a stay-at-home mom.  I just did them all after working all day and then putting Carter to bed.  Should we calculate working moms' salaries in a similar way taking their pay check and then adding all the dollar amounts for those other jobs listed?  Really the same could be done for any person, working, nonworking, single or married.  So why are we only pointing out that stay-at-home moms do these jobs and putting fictitious dollar amounts on what those chores are worth?

With all of those thoughts running through my head I started to get annoyed.  Why is it that we feel the need to legitimize the role of a stay-at-home parent by putting a dollar amount on everything he/she does?  Why is it that in order for someone's day to day to have meaning or value, they need to be making money?  To me by putting together all of these numbers and pretending a stay-at-home parent makes that money, we are implying what you do during the day is only worthwhile if it results in a paycheck.  Giving a stay-at-home parent a pretend salary in a way says he/she only has value if making money.  Being a stay-at-home parent has value that can never be measured in dollars and cents.  To me it should be measured in minutes, in hours, moments, and memories.  It has value in what it provides the children and also what it is for the parent.  The real salary or payment received for a stay-at-home parent is watching their child light up when they see or learn something new.  It's the random hugs and kisses throughout the day.  It's the outings to the zoo, the playground, the aquarium, the children's museum.  It's being the one to rock your child back and forth when they fall and scrape their knee.  To me there is no reason to put a dollar amount on the role of a stay-at-home parent.  Their day to day life can only be measured in smiles, in triumphs, in learning, and most of all in love.  I don't need a pretend salary because I know what I do is worth more than money.  I see it in my son's eyes.  I feel it when nursing my newborn daughter.  I just wish other people could see it that way.

Some things I love about staying at home:

The hair twirls at all times of day.

Watching and facilitating the interaction between my babies.

Reading books.

Playing together!

Reflections on Staying at Home

My letter confirming my year leave of absence at work re-surfaced and got me to thinking.  It was about a year ago that Ty and I decided I would stay at home with Carter this school year and most likely continue to stay at home until our youngest heads off to school.  Before making the decision I was torn.  I felt guilty staying at home, not bringing in money, and not contributing to our income.  I wanted to put money toward Carter's college fund and my retirement.  I wanted to provide Carter with experiences I felt like we wouldn't be able to with just one income.  The flip side was that some of the experiences I wanted to expose Carter to I couldn't because I was working and our schedule didn't allow for it.  I struggled a lot with the idea of leaving work.  I was afraid.  I was scared I would regret the decision because I missed working.  I was afraid I would feel unfulfilled.  I was worried I would get lonely.  Looking back on my reservations now my mind is blown.  Everything I felt sick to my stomach fretting about has been a total non-issue.

Obviously Ty's income is what gets us by and pays the bills, but I hadn't factored in that I would still have opportunities to bring money in on the side.  I watch a little boy a couple days a week and that money goes into our budget, helping to pay bills and buy essentials such as groceries.  I also tutor and that money is bonus money that I don't put into our budget because it can be unpredictable with cancelled appointments and I don't want us to rely on it.  That money has been going into our savings and I've been tracking it as a "baby fund" to pay for our hospital bills when Elise is born.  Once we have enough to cover that it will go into my retirement fund.  Although I don't bring in much money to contribute I don't feel guilty about it.  Staying at home saves us the cost of childcare which once Elise is added into the equation would be almost the entirety of my monthly income.  What I would make over the expense of daycare is about equivalent to what I bring in by babysitting a couple days a week.

I feel like one of the greatest things I've learned from this whole experience is what we can live on, still paying our bills and having enough to eat.  When we first started on our budget minus my income I was terrified.  We had a few practice months where we started trimming out expenses and attempting to hit our monthly budget while I was still receiving a paycheck.  I wasn't sure how we were going to make it work because we kept going over budget a little bit here and there.  But after a few months and lots of discussions on how to get back on track, we are now consistently under-budget each month.  I'm able to then take that money and pay extra on Ty's student loans along with putting some in savings or extra in Ty's retirement fund.  Last month I felt like we were bleeding money with all the plumbing repairs, a new garbage disposal, and a new dishwasher to solve our leaking kitchen issue, but we were only $100 over budget because I squirreled away all of our extra Christmas money and we used some of our baby fund.  Now that we are living tighter I realize how much money we were wasting before on non-essentials such as eating out, potato chips, or organic produce that wasn't on the dirty dozen list.  I'm so glad we've had this experience so when I do go back to work we can really utilize my income to make smart decisions, like beefing up my retirement fund and the college funds for our children.  

Now that I'm home with Carter I'm able to expose him to so many great learning opportunities that I had wished I could before.  We are currently enrolled in a Nature's Buddies toddler program at the zoo and Carter has a blast.  I've joined a stay-at-home mom group which provides Carter with lots of interaction with children his age.  I also have a couple friends we do playdates with and Jake comes twice a week.  Carter definitely isn't missing out on social interaction and I'm able to be right there to help him make appropriate choices and teach him how to problem solve.  Thanks to lots of playdates and outings I can honestly say I haven't felt lonely at all as a stay-at-home mom.  I also haven't missed my job.  I've been up to school a few times this year and while I've enjoyed it, I always leave feeling extremely grateful for where I am.  Being with Carter is the most fulfilling way I've ever been able to spend my days.  Each day ends with a happiness in my heart and the knowledge that I'm right where I should be.  I have never once wished to be anywhere else and I've never once second-guessed the decision we made.

Although my time as a working mom was very difficult for me and I spent my time at work feeling broken, I don't completely regret it.  I honestly feel that having to go through that enabled me to fully appreciate what we have now.  Even on days where I'm not feeling good and things aren't exactly going my way, I think back to what I would have been doing at that time at work and my mood immediately shifts.  Having had to spend all day away from Carter really helps me appreciate getting to spend each moment with him now.  When I'm frustrated he's not following directions, running away from the car rather than to it, and making us late for a playdate, I'm able to step back and laugh.  I'd rather be late to a playdate than on-time dropping him off at daycare.  Then I'm able to enjoy him standing in his car seat doing the booty bounce along with the radio when what I really need for him to do is sit down.  Because what's a few more minutes late? So I let him dance while I stand there laughing and we leave one minute later because it's just a minute and it's not like before when a minute difference was the difference between arriving to a quiet classroom and arriving to a hallway swarming with children needing monitored.

This was one of the most difficult days of my life.

As I look forward to Elise's arrival I am so grateful that I won't have to go through what I did with Carter with her.  I am so glad I will have the opportunity to nurse her rather than pump and her be fed at daycare with a bottle.  I'm so glad she will be able to have her own schedule (for the most part), being able to nap when she needs to nap.  Not being woken up because the baby in the crib beside her is hungry.  I look forward to holding her during the day, wearing her while Carter and I play, being with her and hearing her sounds.  I am so thankful I'll get to be the one covered in her spit up, changing her diapers, rubbing her bottom with diaper cream, snuggling her close as her eyes slowly drift closed.  All of those moments I will appreciate even more because I didn't get to have them with Carter.  There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful for my new normal.  For spending 24 hours a day with Carter and so soon, Elise, rather than just 16.  When I think back to a year ago and what we were worried about, I am so glad we were brave enough to do what we both knew was best for me and for Carter.  It took courage to walk away from my dream job, for Ty to take on the sole responsibility for providing our family with what we need, and I'm so glad we were both able to agree this was what we needed.  Being a stay-at-home mom is a dream come true!

We started this journey about 9 months ago and I'm grateful every single day!

A Day in Our Lives: Stay at Home Mom Edition

Last week I decided we needed a free week with no learning theme to do our thing and go on more "field trips".  I wanted a week without structure to just do as we pleased and to choose whatever books we wanted from the library.  That's exactly what we did with a trip to the Children's Museum on Wednesday and the aquarium on Thursday.  I decided for today's post since I wouldn't be sharing all about our weekly learning theme, I would do a day in our lives post.  I hadn't done one since back in May when I was still working.  After 5 months of staying at home I figured we ought to document what a typical day is like for us, especially since it will be changing drastically here in about, oh 4.5 months.  I'd like to do another one on a day Jake is with us so I'll remember what days were like with him.  So here's what our day was like on Thursday, November 6th.

6:00 am- I hear Carter yell my name from his room.  Ty gets up and brings him to bed with us so we can rest rather than getting up.  Daylight savings must've thrown Carter off because he's been waking up at 6 all week and he normally sleeps until 7.  At some point I hear Ty begin snoring again, but I'm unable to go back to sleep with Carter playing with my hair.  But I'm also so tired I can't bring myself to get up so I just lay there until Ty wakes up.

7:00 am- Ty gets up to get ready for work and takes Carter in with him to feed him breakfast.  He's been doing that all week so I can go back to sleep for a little bit which has been my saving grace.  I have been so exhausted lately.  I'm still waiting for that 2nd trimester energy surge to hit, any day now!

7:30 am- Ty brings Carter back in and says good bye as he leaves for work.  I get up and brush my teeth while Carter sits in the chair and reads.  Normally we run in the morning, but I check the temperature and it's 39 degrees.  I'm not ready for cold weather running yet, especially when it's supposed to get up into the 60's in the afternoon so I decide to postpone our run until after Carter's nap.  I check Carter's diapers that I washed the night before.  The inserts are still damp so I start the dryer for another cycle and head back into the bedroom to change the sheets on our bed.  It takes much longer than usual because Carter plays on the bed and we play peek-a-boo with the sheets.

Reading while I brush my teeth.

 

8:15 am- I eat a bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast and Carter decides he needs a 2nd breakfast since I'm eating.  He sits at the table with me and I peel him a banana.  When he's done he gets up and starts playing while I finish eating.  Then I sweep and mop part of the kitchen floor while he rides his car around on the linoleum.  I get Carter dressed and then we watch the dogs play and we dance to some music.  While I'm getting ready for the day Carter stands on his stool and plays at the sink.  I get a message that our 10:30 playdate is canceled because the older son of the mom hosting got sick at school.  I decide we should go to the aquarium instead.  It doesn't open until 10:00 and Carter has put on his rain boots and is sweetly suggesting "side" because he wants to play outside.

9:00 am- I overdo it and put Carter in a coat as we head outside with Harper and Thomas' dog, Quinn, who is visiting for the day.  Carter is all over the place, climbing the small hill, digging in mud, playing with his kitchen, riding cars, mowing the lawn, getting in his fort, and observing dog poop.  At one point I realize I haven't seen Quinn in a few minutes, she's notorious for jumping the fence, so I look for her.  She's no where in the yard so I run to the front door and call for her.  She comes running to the door and then turns and runs away.  Carter and I grab a leash and take off looking for her.  My belly is large enough that I am huffing and puffing as I run/walk up the hill by our house carrying Carter.  By the time I reach Quinn I want to spank her, but she immediately rolls to her back in apology and my anger melts away.  I wanted to leave in time to get to the aquarium when they opened at 10:00, but Quinn's shenanigans put us behind schedule.

 

Pointing and saying the colors on the tarp.

10:20- We arrive at the aquarium and Carter is excited to see 4 school buses in the parking lot.  I'm worried it will be crazy with that many students, but they are all in a presentation while we take off looking at the animals.  Thanks to being pregnant when we make it down by the sharks I'm dying to use the restroom.  We stop in and while we're in the stall we notice a sign on the back of the door advertising "Aqua Tots", a special storytime and craft program for children ages 1-5.  I notice the date says November 6th and I realize that's today.  I scan down and it says it starts at 11:00.  I pull out my phone and realize that's in 10 minutes.  For the first time all pregnancy I am so thankful that I constantly have to pee!  If I hadn't needed to go to the restroom, we wouldn't have found out about the program.  We head to where the program is taking place and the school group starts heading into the aquarium after their presentation, perfect timing!  The Aqua Tots program is awesome!  She has puppets, stuffed animals, sea coral, whale teeth, and various figurines she passes around that go with the story.  She even has whale baleen for us to feel and a tree frog she lets us look at and touch.  It was an awesome program and I'm excited for their next one in December!  After the program we head back to finish up in the aquarium.  Carter is getting hungry and tired so we don't stay much longer before heading home.

Carter wanted to take a purse to the aquarium, just like mommy.

Posing with the bull shark statue outside the aquarium.

Carter loves the jellyfish!

Feeling whale teeth at the Aqua Tots storytime.

12:15 pm- We arrive home and I heat up left over homemade macaroni and cheese with tuna (one of my pregnancy cravings) for Carter and my lunch.  I also cut up apples and heat some corn as our sides.  We sit together as we eat.  I have Pandora playing music on my phone and we dance to the songs that spark Carter's interest.  Carter requests a 2nd helping so I heat up more for him and mop another section of the floor as he finishes up.  While I'm mopping we talk and he is cracking me up going on about the dogs.  He loves when Quinn comes to visit.

12:50 pm- Carter has finished his lunch and we head into his room for a diaper change and cuddles before naptime.  I set him in his crib and he waves and says "Bye bye momma".  He appears to be asleep 10 minutes later which is pretty typical, but then he rolls over and I see his eyes are open.  After a few minutes of laying quietly he sits up and begins singing "Baluba" which is his version of Raffi's "Baby Beluga".  I'm shocked when he's still not asleep at 2:00 and he's started crying.  I head into his room, snuggle him for a couple minutes, and he's asleep the minute I lay him back down.

"Bye bye momma!"

Faking me out, looking asleep.

Finally asleep!

2:00 pm- Jeremy arrives to pick up Harper and Quinn and take them to my parents' house for the weekend.  We are meeting them for a race tomorrow evening and then will head back to their house to spend the weekend.  The dogs will stay there and be watched by their pet sitter while we're gone.  I sit down and work on a post after Jeremy leaves.

3:00 pm- I lay down for a 30 minute nap and set an alarm on my phone so I don't sleep for too long.  I wake up at 3:30 and still feel tired so I lay in bed and read for a little bit.  When I get up I head into the kitchen and mop the 2 areas of the kitchen floor I hadn't done yet.

4:15 pm- Carter wakes up from his nap crying.  Normally he wakes up saying my name and is happy.  He was really upset and kept crying.  It took a while for me to calm him down.  We read a few books and then shared a yogurt for our snack.  Carter asked for more so I gave him another yogurt and then he ate half a banana.

5:20 pm- Ty texts me that he is heading to run.  He usually leaves work at 5:00 and heads straight to the trails, but his car was in the shop and he had to go pick it up.  I get dressed and put Carter's shoes on and we head out to meet Ty for a run.  Carter decides he wants to carry a purse like me again and grabs an insert I had pulled out of my purse to make it lighter.  My back has been killing me lately and I figured a lighter purse would help!  We run 2 miles with Ty at the trails and then part ways.  Ty heads to Taco Bueno to pick up 49 cent tacos (their special on Thursdays) for dinner and Carter and I head home to make the sides.

Heading to the car with his "purse".

6:20 pm- Carter and I arrive home.  I make rice and guacamole and heat up a can of refried beans for our sides while Carter works on coloring his frog craft from storytime earlier in the day.  Ty gets home shortly after us with our 8 tacos, only costing $4.25!  Carter gets so excited when he sees the tacos and says "taco" while pointing at them which shocks both of us because we don't say taco very often.  While Ty and I clean up the kitchen Carter stands on a chair and Ty tells him no and to get down.  Then Carter heads to his craft table, stands on it and yells "Daddy, down!"  I tell Ty that Carter obviously wants his attention and to go play with him while I finish cleaning the kitchen.

Coloring his frog.

 

For some reason he eats his taco upside down.

Playing with daddy.

7:20 pm- I start Carter's bath.  Since I ran in the evening I take a bath with him which is always so much fun.  We pour out all of his bath letters and talk about what each letter he picks up stands for.  We play for a long time before getting out and drying off.  Carter's new thing is dashing out of the bathroom in his towel to say hi to daddy.  We run out and Ty isn't in the house, so I realize he must be in the garage weight lifting.  Carter likes to wrap his hands in his towel like he has pockets.  It cracks me up!

8:00 pm- I take Carter out in the garage to tell daddy night night.  Then we read some books in his rocker before I lay him down in his crib at 8:30.  We were hoping that putting Carter down a little bit later would help us out by getting him to sleep later in the morning.  It totally back fired with him waking up at 5:30 am the next morning!

9:00 pm- Ty comes in from lifting and takes a quick shower while I work on this blog post.  When he's out of the shower he comes in to watch the football game.  We don't have cable so he pulls it up on his computer and watches it while I work on my post.  Then he tries to help me with some forms I need to fill out, but can't get to work online.  We're both tired and plan on going to bed early, but somehow that never happens and I find myself not doing my planks until 10:00 and we head for bed around 10:30.

The Moments that Mean the Most

Not a day goes by without me at some point during the day thinking, "This is why I'm so lucky to get to be at home now.  Little moments like this."  Each day at some point I'm reminded what a gift this life I am now able to live is.  What amazing moments I get to experience that I missed before while Carter was at daycare.  Each night around the time I would normally arrive home with Carter I am amazed again at how little time I actually had with my precious boy before.  Those moments remind me to reflect and appreciate the sacrifices that Ty made for us to get here.  He left an industry that he loved although he was underappreciated and overworked and took a risk not just at a new job, but within a new industry.  I know how scary a job change is even when it is within the same career path.  It was hard at first and I could tell he missed his old job, but he has come to love what he does and enjoys his co-workers including his boss who is constantly praising him and reminding him what a great asset he is to the company.  What a change from his past job!  While the change in our budget has been scary to both of us, it has been so worth it.  I think it's easier for me accept the loss of income because I see first hand the benefits of staying at home.  For me it was never the missing the firsts that bothered me like other working moms talked about.  I honest to goodness didn't miss any firsts and if I had my mentality was, even if he does something at daycare first when I see it it will be the first time for me.  It was everything.  Those little moments that slip by so fast and even faster when you aren't there.  The cute smiles, the giggles, the wiping the face, singing songs as we wash our hands.  Those were the moments I didn't want to miss and they are the moments I appreciate the most now. 

Little moments like watching him read!

Carter has been absolutely hilarious lately and his personality kills me.  He is just so stinkin cute and funny and sweet and loving.  Sometimes I just look at him and am amazed that anything so perfect can exist.  There's nothing better than living life with him.  I'd like to share some of the "This is why I'm so lucky to be at home right now.  Little moments like this" experiences lately.

I'll start with this morning.  I was putting away laundry and packing for our trip to my hometown for my 10 year high school reunion (it's hard to believe it's been that long).  Carter sat on the bed wearing one of Ty's hats he pulled off his hat rack, pretending to read a chapter book he pulled off Ty's night stand.  Then he came to the end of the bed, picked up the camera case, said "mommy", and handed it to me.  I looked at him and asked if he wanted me to wear it.  He said yes so I draped it over my shoulder and strutted my stuff.  He broke out in the biggest smile and exclaimed, "Mommy pretty!  Pretty mommy!"  How could I have ever lived my life before missing out on being called pretty by my sweet little boy randomly at 9am!?!

The other day when Ty was getting the Halloween basket out of the attic Carter stood at the bottom of the ladder yelling "Daddy!!!!" over and over.  Ty was out of breath and moving totes around so I told Carter, "Daddy's busy he'll talk to you when he comes down."  Then Carter started chanting, "Busy, daddy's busy!"  This morning we were sitting on the floor putting together a puzzle and Carter looked at me and said quizzically, "Daddy busy?" and I said, "Yes, daddy's at work.  He'll be home tonight."  He accepted my answer and kept on with his puzzle.  It was so cute to see him wondering about his daddy during the day. 

On a Tuesday, the day I tutor in the evening, Carter was walking around eating an apple.  He was walking down the hallway right by the door as Jeremy knocked on the door because he watches Carter while I tutor.  The knock scared Carter and he jumped, throwing his apple into the air as he did so.  Then he turned, looked at his apple, pointed, and said "uh oh".  It was one of the funniest things I'd seen in a long time!

Carter loves cheese and gets so excited when I give him cheese with a meal or as a snack that he exclaims "yay" when he sees it.  Most of our conversations during lunch, since we typically have sandwiches with cheese on them, go like this:
Carter (C): Cheese!!!!  Yay!!!!!  Cheese!!!!! (then he eats said cheese off his sandwich before eating the rest of his food).
C: More cheese!
Me (M): Not right now, Carter, you need to eat your peas first.
C: Cheese!  More cheese!
M: You can have another piece after you eat your peas.
C: Cheese! (then he begins to shovel peas in his mouth along with the other food on his plate)
M: Thank you for eating your peas.  That is healthy.  Now you can have another piece of cheese.
C: Yay!  Cheese! (begins giggling as he watches me get cheese out of the fridge)
M: Here's your cheese, this is the last piece.
C: Thank you! (gobbles up the cheese)
C: More cheese?!
M: No Carter, no more cheese, all done.
C: Cheese?  Peese.  (in a sad dejected tone)
M: Sorry, Carter, no more cheese.
Then he's ready to get out of his booster seat and take off playing.

Of course there are all those moments where Carter puckers his lips and wants a kiss just because.  There are the moments watching him read books, solve problems, and learn new things.  Watching him run from the exit of the tape tunnel at the Children's Museum to the entrance, so excited to do it all over again!  Seeing him interact with other children at the park, the museum, at playdates, in the library.  Watching him dance and wiggle and giggle.  Seeing him play with Harper, kiss her, and love on her.  Some of the moments I love the most are holding him and snuggling him as I read to him and rock him before bed and naptime.  I am thankful for all of those moments and I am a so glad I get to keep experiencing them.  Life just keeps getting better!  I love you, Ty, thank you!

Our Second Summer

Today is the first day of school for the school district I worked in the past 4 years.  When I woke up this morning I felt the first day of school excitement thinking about everything that was going on with my old co-workers and previous students.  I also felt excitement because the first day of school marked the start of Carter and my second summer.  Rather than waking up early, packing Carter off to daycare, and crying all the way to work (like last year) I slept in until 7:00 am and headed out for a run with Carter and Harper.  The first day of school last year was especially emotional for me because Carter broke out the Sunday before school started and it turned out he had Fifth Disease.  Since it was the first day of school I was forced to send him off to daycare not feeling up to par.  I am so thankful that is something I will never again have to do!

He's been practicing climbing into his car seat, getting there!

After our morning run we came home so I could shower and we could eat a morning snack.  Then we headed out to the splash pad for some good ol summer time fun!  Carter made friends with a couple of girls who were continuously filling a water bottle and pouring it into a bowl in the playground equipment.  He didn't say much to them and they didn't say a whole lot to him, he just stood and watched.  He loves to observe.  Little mister had a blast playing in the water and I laughed so hard watching him and felt so full and happy getting the chance to spend more time with him! 

Watching the girls refill their water bottle.  They were pouring the water into the bowl shown above.

 

Watching for water to come out.

Getting sprayed in the face!

 

Lunchtime came and I was really hungry although Carter wasn't showing much interest in leaving.  I talked him into walking to the car with me and changed him back into his dry clothes.  We headed straight for Tropical Smoothie for their $5 flatbread and smoothie Tuesday deal.  I treated Carter to a special lunch date with a birthday gift card I'd received from his Papa and Gigi.  Normally we share a flatbread and a smoothie, but I was really hungry so I got Carter his own.  He ended up only eating half of his flatbread so I ate the other half.  I went out on a limb and ordered him a Totally Green smoothie with cucumber, spinach, kale, kiwi, and green apple.  I tasted it and it was drinkable but I definitely couldn't drink an entire one by myself.  Carter sucked it down like he thought it was delicious.  While eating we saw Jake's mom and talked to her.  Jake was supposed to come to our house today, but came down with Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease over the weekend.  She said his fever finally broke last night so we may see him on Friday.  During our lunch date Carter was really hamming it up, making faces at me and even squinting his eyes to make me laugh.  There was no where I'd rather have been than with my boy.

Enjoying his chicken pesto flatbread.

Going to town on his mostly vegetable smoothie.

We got home in time for me to read Carter a couple books and rock him for a bit before putting him down for a nap.  Once he was asleep I flipped through facebook for a couple of minutes to make sure he was asleep so I wouldn't wake him leaving the room.  My newsfeed was filled with first day of school pictures of past students and teacher statuses excited for the first day.  Seeing my sweet previous students all dressed up and smiling for their first day of school made me a bit emotional, but even then I didn't wish to be back at it.  I just wished I could peek into their new classrooms to see them for a bit.  One of the hardest things as a teacher is letting go.  You put your heart and soul into teaching a group of students.  Not just teaching them skills and objectives, but how to be kind and contributing members of society.  You teach them how to resolve conflicts, to accept the differences of others, and to care about others and the world around them.  You begin to love each child as you see them grow and become amazing people.  Then at the end of the year you send them on to someone else.  You are somehow supposed to cut your heart strings and watch them walk away.  I was always so excited for the first day of school, but typically spent the first portion of the school year missing my previous students.  I swear every year I came home and told Ty, this class just isn't special like my group last year.  I miss my old students and want them back.  I'm never going to love these kids like last year.  Then Ty was laughing at the end of the year when I was crying about my group of students moving on.  It was a vicious cycle and I felt like it never got easier, I just learned to accept it the longer I taught.  Today would have been my 7th first day of school as a teacher and my 24th first day of school since kindergarten, but instead of packing my bag and lunch and pulling into a school parking lot I was doing something much better.  I was playing with my son, enjoying lunch with him, snuggling him, and watching him sleep.  Our second summer is just beginning and I couldn't be happier!

Leaving Work Behind

When Ty and I first discussed me staying home I worried about all kinds of things.  Of course I worried about money and providing Carter with plenty of social interaction, but I also worried about me not working.  Would I be happy?  Would I feel fulfilled?  Would I miss my job?  I was afraid when it came time to pack up my classroom I would feel really sad putting away all my manipulatives, books, and learning tools.  But I didn't.  I was afraid when the school year started and everyone else was preparing their classrooms and getting class lists I would miss it.  But, again, I didn't.  Yesterday I went up to school to help my old teaching partner prepare for Meet the Teacher Night.  There is sooo much that goes into that night.  Your classroom has to be prepped and ready, class seating arrangement created, student name labels out on tables so they can see their spot, boxes in the hall for sorting school supplies, packets of information about your classroom for parents to take home, going home lists so you know where to send students at the end of the day on the first day of school, and the list goes on.  Anytime you think you are completely ready you realize there's something more to do!  

Carter played with a doll house my co-teacher has for indoor recess with her daughter.

Carter loved the doll house!

Carter checking to see what her son was doing.

I headed up to help cut out laminated materials, label students' names on baggies, prepare notes to go home, and look over the class list (my co-teacher had spelled some of the students from last year's names wrong).  The best way to describe how I felt being up at the school helping to prepare for the coming school year was relief.  Relief that I no longer need to do it for myself.  Relief that I get to spend my time with Carter.  Relief that while all the other teachers are sending their children off to daycare and creating lesson plans for the first week of school, my 2nd summer is just starting!  I will no longer be carting home an overflowing bag of things to work on once Carter goes to sleep.  I won't lay in bed worrying about stuff I have to get done for school and crying over being away from Carter for another day.  I will no longer be counting down Monday through Friday to get to the mere two days at home with my precious baby.  Although I love teaching and I know I will go back when the time is right, I am so relieved that is not me.  That I'm not a teacher.  That I'm not stressing about those first days of school and leaving my baby.  That I will be able to really enjoy my life, to soak up all my time with Carter.  It was a scary decision to make, but days like yesterday remind me that it was the right one.  When I walk out of the school I love, away from the co-workers I cherish, leaving behind the students I adore, and I feel nothing but relief.  The pure freedom and joy that leaving it behind brings to my life.  Now that was a good decision and I thank Ty every day for standing beside me and supporting the decision.  It was scary for both of us, but so worth it!