Wordless Wednesday and Jeremy Update

Jeremy Update:

Yesterday we found out Jeremy has a small blood clot in his calf. Since he can't have coagulants due to his brain bleed, there isn't much they can do but monitor it. Today was a pretty stable day as far as intercranial pressure (ICP) and cerebral perfusion pressure (CPP). His ICP was staying right around 11 (8-10 is the normal range) with his VP shunt open (the shunt relieves pressure in his brain by draining cerebral spinal fluid so it lowers his ICP when it is open). When they closed his shunt in the afternoon his ICP was still around 16 which was great! Their goal has been for his CPP to be above 50 and he spent most of the day with it at 70 and even 80 at times. His blood pressure was higher than they wanted. His systolic pressure was supposed to be 140 and was 150-160. The nurse said that was because he was in pain so he tried a new pain medication which didn't help. We had a scare right before visiting hours ended with his ICP reaching 42 with his shunt closed but they were able to get it back to a reasonable range before we left. It was discussed that he may be stable enough for surgery as soon as the beginning of next week. I am hopeful that remains the plan. I am eager for them to back off the paralytics. I've never been so desperate to hear my brother's voice or even just see him open his eyes! 

Ty and my dad with their beards my mom crocheted for them.

Carter and Elise celebrating the new year.

 

 

 

Oma and Elise watching Carter play outside.

Dad in the pool for the Polar Bear Plunge (it was 33 degrees)!

Ty jumping in the first pool at the Polar Bear Plunge.

 

Carter laughing, saying, "Look at all the people jumping in!"

 

 

Dad diving in the last time to get his medal.

 

Ty jumping in the last time for his medal.

 

Dad and Ty after the Polar Bear Plunge.

Uncie J and Carter watching the race together.

 

Carter helping Opa lower Elise's crib.

 

Ty and dad with their Polar Bear Plunge shirts and medals.

 

Carter watching "George" in the hospital waiting room when we first went up to see Jeremy.

Elise wearing the outfit Uncie J got her for Christmas.

Helping me clean windows so we could put up Valentine's Day window clings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pretty proud of this train track I helped Carter build!

 

Elise crawled over to and climbed on top of this tote!

 

 

Elise crawled into my newly cleaned closet and started pulling stuff out.

My little musicians. Elise was playing the guitar so Carter got the xylophone to play with her.

 

Too tired to brush his teeth, haha!

Elise eating an apple slice.

This is how I find her when I go to get her after naps.

  

Getting Back in the Saddle

I wish there was an update to share on Jeremy's condition but at this time we are still just waiting. He is still in a medically induced coma and we are just waiting on the bruising and swelling to come down. Once it does the doctors will reduce his paralytic and start backing off on some of the meds. His last few CT scans have all looked the same which is good in that no further bleeding or damage has occurred. I feel like we will probably be in this waiting game for a few more days, even to the end of the week. So there won't be much to report.

After Jeremy's accident, if you missed it read about it here, I had mixed feelings about running. It didn't feel right to go out on a run when he was paralyzed in a hospital bed. But I also felt like it was wrong not to run since I had the ability to do so and he would want to run so badly if he were awake. So Monday I went out for my first run since the accident. Getting dressed I felt really emotional picturing Jeremy getting dressed and filling his water bottles for his fuel belt the morning he was in the accident. I imagined the excitement he felt at going out for a long run, they were his favorite. I thought of him imagining the half marathon he was training for that he will no longer be able to run.

Getting ready to go out for my run.

Looking back over my years of running so much of what I have done was influenced by my older brother. I remember hearing about cross country when I was younger and thinking people must be crazy to run across the country and I would never do that. Then Jeremy hit high school and joined the cross country team. I went to meets to watch him and thought it seemed like the most awesome sport. Who doesn't love to run through grass? So when I started my freshman year of high school I joined the team and cross country ended up being my meal ticket in college. If it hadn't been for Jeremy I don't know if I ever would have given cross country a chance.

Jeremy running a cross country race as a freshman in high school.

When I was in college and I would meet people who had run or were training to run marathons I wrote them off as crazy and ridiculous. I thought no one in their right mind would ever run one. When people asked if I ever would I answered with, "absolutely not!" But then Jeremy stepped in and changed my mind all over again. He trained for and completed his first marathon in the fall of 2006. Watching him run and finish the race, I was hooked. I couldn't wait to run my first marathon but I still had a year of college running ahead of me. So I trained for and ran my first half marathon in the off season. Once I graduated college I immediately began training for my first marathon which Jeremy ran with me as his 3rd.

Jeremy running my first marathon with me.

Just recently Jeremy decided he wanted to get back into longer races and not run so many 5ks. When we ran races with the option of a 10k he wanted to do that. So I decided to bump up to longer races too and tackle some faster times in a 10k since I hadn't run one in years. He was always inspiring me as a runner and getting me to challenge myself in new ways. We were already signed up to run a Valentine's Day 10k as a team, The Sweet Sibs (my mom came up with our cute name). It makes it hard knowing he won't be running that race. It's hard knowing he won't be running any of our upcoming races. They will seem weird without him there. He never missed a race. 

The orthopedic surgeon initially said Jeremy would eventually be able to walk and even run again. He estimated he might be running again in a year. That seems like such a long time and I can't help but list all the races he won't get to run with us. But we also won't know until he wakes up what the extent of his brain injuries will be. It is possible he will have to relearn to walk not just because of his leg, but due to damage to his brain. All of this is hard for me. I cry thinking of being out on the roads running while he is not. I know it will be hard for him when he wakes up and is slowly faced with this news. How will it feel to fight with his body to walk again? What will it be like for his head to be foggy and confused? How will he manage all of this while enduring extremely painful headaches as a result of his head trauma? Obviously I don't know and I never will. I hope and believe that even in the most difficult moments there will be that voice in his head telling him to fight harder. I hope there will be that intense desire to run and to push his body propelling him forward when it hurts too bad and when physical therapy gets rough. You always worry about depression when a runner loses their ability to run. Someone who runs with the desire and drive that Jeremy has run with for so many years has such a strong relationship with running. It becomes part of who you are. Long runs become therapy sessions. Easy days become days to think and solve problems. Speed work reminds you that you are alive and tough and can do what you set your mind to. I hope he is able to take those skills he's learned from running and apply them to his recovery.

Monday as I ran my 4 miles on a trail near my house, no one was with me but I was not alone. I pictured Jeremy running along beside me. I thought back over the numerous runs we shared together and the conversations we had. He almost always made me laugh. And he was faster than me. So I'd be laughing and running hard and struggling to breathe. Even when he didn't want to run I could talk him into it, saying I needed him to run with me to keep me safe. And he'd always do it. When he told me about this new trail he was running on with lots of hills, I excitedly told him I'd have to try it out. He told me he didn't think I should because it crossed some busy streets so I never did. One of those busy streets is where his accident occurred. When I finished my run I looked beside me and almost expected to see him there. I wish he was. If you are a runner and have a favorite running buddy, next time you run with them make sure they know how much you enjoy their company. I lost my favorite running buddy on Saturday, hopefully not forever but for a long time.

Hello 2016

This New Year we were reminded of many things as 2016 rolled around. We ran the Race into the New Year 5k and I was reminded how good it felt to push my body to the limits and how great it felt to run a time I am genuinely proud of. On the first day of the new year we dressed Elise up in an adorable outfit, threw party hats on both the kids, and were reminded what a gift these babies of ours are. That evening was spent enjoying fondue with my parents and Jeremy. Memories of past new year celebrations flooded back, reminding me of my grandparents. Reminding me how central family is to our lives. Reminding me what a gift it is to have such an amazing family to spend my life with. I remember being surrounded with love my entire childhood and I giggled and smiled as I watched Carter listen as his Uncie J read him a night night story with cowboy voices included. I am so glad my children are every bit as loved and spoiled (not spoiled by me, of course) as I was as a child. I stood in the kitchen once the children were in bed and everyone else left to run some errands and fought back tears thinking of all the gifts we have been given. Remembering these first months of Elise's life and being blown away by how much I already love her and with such intensity. I stood knowing 2016 would be the best year yet.

Jeremy reading a bedtime story to Carter.

I enjoyed listening to the story as well.

Then January 2nd rolled around. It was a lazy morning that rolled into a productive afternoon. We dropped off some donations at Goodwill and headed to the grocery store to pick up last minute supplies for cheese fondue for dinner. As we were paying my dad called and from my mom's reaction I knew something terrible had happened. Shock settled in as the news was relayed that Jeremy had been hit by a car during his run that afternoon. Then the panic and fear crept in. By the time we made it to the hospital we had convinced ourselves it wasn't that bad. But the minute I walked into his hospital room reality set in. There was my big brother who taught me everything I needed to know as a child and more. The brother who protected me, who had my back, who believed in me no matter what. There he was with a broken femur, broken pelvis, and fractured skull. His brain was bleeding and swelling to the point that in the middle of the night doctors were concerned he may not make it through the night. But despite all that, he was there. He was breathing. He was fighting. He was bleeding and blinking and he was my brother. The only big brother I have. The only brother who pulled my socks off for me when I didn't have the fine motor skills to do it myself. The only brother who ran side by side with me during my first marathon. The older brother who has challenged me, pushed me, changed me, and helped mold me into who I am. He may have been bleeding and broken but he was alive. He was there reminding me your whole life can change at any given moment and although that may be comforting in difficult times, it is terrifying in others. My brother is a huge part of my heart, of my life, and of who I am. I believe he will pull through this and get better. I know time will heal these wounds. I know life will eventually go back to normal or semi-normal for him. I know these things, but still I am afraid. I am afraid of the curve balls life can throw us and the changes that lay ahead for my brother. I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to struggle. I hate the thought that he won't be able to walk for quite some time. I ache knowing he will not be running alongside me anytime soon. But he is here. That is what matters. Please whatever you do, whatever you believe in, do it for my brother. Pray, dance, sing a song, send positive energy. He has a long road of healing ahead of him and I know we will all appreciate the encouragement and love. It feels weird and wrong to talk about anything other than what Jeremy and my family is/are going through right now, but I have some posts that were already typed up and ready so I will go ahead and publish them in the next few days. Jeremy is currently in a medically induced paralytic state to allow his brain to stop bleeding and recover. Pins have been placed in his leg because he is not stable enough to undergo surgery on his femur. I will update with good news as it arrives. Thank you all for thinking of him.

Jeremy, me, and Thomas as kids.